It's worse than I thought
Yesterday I got my husband to video me riding, as I haven't had a lesson in over six years nor had any videos taken since I was showing, and that was in 2002.
From what I could feel, the horse has been going pretty well and has felt nice and balanced and engaged. The video evidence I now have indicates otherwise. It was pants. Dammit. My feel and reality do not seem to be the same thing, not to mention that my eq is fairly atrocious.
I don't think it's the best I've ridden, as I rushed her through the warmup as husband was standing around looking a bit bored and I was feeling guilty for roping him into this, and I was a bit stiff as we had gone to the barn straight after rock climbing at a local crag. Still, disappointed.
Not looking for advice, really, just moaning. Hubby isn't horsey so he doesn't quite understand, and I don't have any barn friends these days with whom I can kvetch.