I feel so off...
So, I was doing great with my riding. I was improving tons with my equitation and ability, I was doing really well in my shows... then suddenly everything started going downhill. I'm not sure why... But old equitation problems I'd had started resurfacing (like my heels coming up over jumps) and new problems started too. Suddenly I feel like I'm having a lot more trouble communicating with the horses I ride and/or controlling the stronger ones. I thought it was just a bad week at first, but it hasn't gotten better. I had a big show this weekend and did terribly in all of my classes, even my flat class which I usually do great in. I thought it might have just been show anxiety, but yesterday I went riding and rode a horse I usually have no trouble with. He's really a very easy horse to ride, even elementary school kids have no problems with him. I felt completely disorganized the whole time. I kept missing leads, and he would break a lot, and when he was cantering it was almost like he was running off with me. I'm just feeling so off about all of this.
I've been thinking about what could help. Possibly some back-to-the-basics confidence building rides and just to help reorganize myself. Or maybe just going and riding my friends' horses bareback and just relaxing a little bit and stop worrying about the shows and being perfect so much. It might be beneficial to just spend some time riding by myself in a non-lesson environment to just work through some of my personal issues... But I don't know :(
And to make things even more complicated, I have some unknown liver problem going on right now. I have to see a liver specialist tomorrow. I actually got a bone marrow test today because they thought I might have leukemia. It was negative thankfully. I'm not showing any symptoms at all and the doctors say its okay to keep riding, I just can't help but wonder (and maybe even hope?) that this is actually a concrete thing that's throwing me off. I have IEA zones in two weeks that I will hopefully be showing in and I'd love to have things worked out a bit before then so I can go into that with a bit of confidence.
I'm not sure what this is. A rant to some extent. If anyone has any advice/similar experiences I'd love to hear it. Thanks for hearing out my long story :)