I've been thinking about what could help. Possibly some back-to-the-basics confidence building rides and just to help reorganize myself. Or maybe just going and riding my friends' horses bareback and just relaxing a little bit and stop worrying about the shows and being perfect so much. It might be beneficial to just spend some time riding by myself in a non-lesson environment to just work through some of my personal issues... But I don't know :(
And to make things even more complicated, I have some unknown liver problem going on right now. I have to see a liver specialist tomorrow. I actually got a bone marrow test today because they thought I might have leukemia. It was negative thankfully. I'm not showing any symptoms at all and the doctors say its okay to keep riding, I just can't help but wonder (and maybe even hope?) that this is actually a concrete thing that's throwing me off. I have IEA zones in two weeks that I will hopefully be showing in and I'd love to have things worked out a bit before then so I can go into that with a bit of confidence.
I'm not sure what this is. A rant to some extent. If anyone has any advice/similar experiences I'd love to hear it. Thanks for hearing out my long story :)