50 things not to say at hogwarts!
1. If a classmate falls asleep, I will not take advantage of that fact and draw a Dark Mark on their arm.
2. I will not sing “We’re off to see the wizard, the wonderful wizard of Oz” when being sent to the Headmaster’s office.
3. I will not play poker or bridge with Professor Trelawney’s tarot deck.
4. Seamus Finnegan is not “after me Lucky Charms.”
5. I will not draw mustaches, glasses, scars, devil horns, or other paraphernalia on the paintings in Hogwarts while the subjects are sleeping. They do not find it amusing.
6. I will not take out a life insurance policy on Harry Potter.
-6b. Neither will I take one out on the new DADA teacher.
7. Bringing fortune cookies to Divination class does not count for extra credit.
8. I will not change gravity on the Hogwarts grounds. My fellow students do not need to develop extra muscles and jumping into an orbit is not funny.
9. I am not the Wicked Witch of the West.
-9b. Neither is Professor Umbridge.
10. I will not ask Harry Potter who died and made him boss.
11. I will not follow potion instructions in reverse order “to see what happens.”
12. I will not walk up to a Hufflepuff and ask if he/she is going to huff and puff and blow my house down.
13. I will not accept anything edible from a Weasley.
-13b. Especially if it is offered with a compensation for any damages.
14. Hogwarts is not in the flight path of any Muggle airport, and Muggle airplanes cannot crash into Hogwarts. That being the case, there is no need to have first years standing on the spires of Hogwarts waving torches screaming "Go away, go away!!"
15. I will not ask for advice from Peeves on how to wreak havoc.
-15b. This goes for Fred and George, too.
16. Making rumors about Harry and Draco's secret love life is not funny and it will stop soon.
17. I will not suggest to Fred and George that they invent and sell Anti-Anti-Cheating Charm quills.
18. I will not tell first years that the best way to study is to stay up all night balancing your textbook on your head, as gravity will cause the information to sink through the skull and into the brain.
-18b. Having not done this, I will not stay up all night to laugh at said first years.
19. I will not point to Harry Potter’s scar and ask if his Voldy senses are tingling.
20. I will not organize a Junior Death Eaters Training Camp at Hogwarts. I will not hand out medals for "Hexing Harry Potter,” "Endangering a teacher’s life by jinxing,” or “Throwing a person from the Astronomy Tower.” I will not send the latter to Professor Snape and make him an honorary member.
21. I will not add "according to the prophecy" at the end of all my sentences to raise my Divination grade.
22. I will not refer to the Accio charm as "The Force.”
23. I will not push Professor Flitwick from his stack of books claiming I need them for my studies.
24. I will not spike my best friend’s pumpkin juice and tell him to go hit on Professor McGonagall.
-24b. Or Professor Snape.
25. When asked a question by a teacher I will not inform them that the answer is protected by a Fidelius Charm and I am not the Secret Keeper.
26. I will not hiss at Harry Potter instead of talking.
27. I will not bring a Magic Eight Ball to Divination class.
28. I will not organize a witch burning, even if I have been assigned to do a presentation on Muggle history in my Muggle Studies class.
29. I will not tell Oliver Wood that Quidditch as been permanently canceled.
-29b. Having not done this, I will not tell him that it is Marcus Flint's fault.
30. I will not bewitch Percy Weasley's prefect badges to yell "I'm in love with myself!" every time it senses movement.
31. The Easter Bunny is not Jesus’ Animagus form.
32. I will not sign up the Great Lake at Hogwarts for the Summer Olympics swimming competitions.
-32b. I will not take a hippogriff to the Summer Olympics to get an unfair advantage at the Equestrian competitions
33. I will not convince first years that the new password to Gryffindor Tower is "Petrificus Totalus" and must be recited with their wands pointed at themselves.
34. I will not give a "Chosen by whom, actually?" shirt to Harry Potter for Christmas.
35. I will not refer to Aragog as “Charlotte.”
36. Crucifixes do not ward off Slytherins.
-36b. I should not test that.
37. I will not jump up and yell "VOLDERMORT, RUN!" in the middle of a D.A. meeting.
38. If Death Eaters attack Hogsmeade, I will not point at the Dark Mark and shout “To the Batmobile, Robin!”
39. I will not tell everyone that Draco Malfoy started the Hug A Muggle Campaign.
40. I will not use magic to change test questions into those I can answer.
41. I will not tell Ronald Weasley that his sister was caught snogging any of the following: 1) Draco Malfoy, 2) Any other Slytherin, 3) Michael Corner, 4) Any other Ravenclaw, 5) Zacharias Smith, 6) Any other Hufflepuff, 7) Neville Longbottom, 8) Any other Gryffindor.
42. Asking Ron Weasley and Hermione Granger "When's the wedding?" is only funny a few times.
43. I will not lock the Gryffindors and Slytherins in a room and take bets on who will come out alive.
44. I will stop asking the Arithmancy teacher what the square root of -1 is.
-44b. And Hermione Granger.
45. I will not dress in long black capes with hoods. Draco Malfoy tried this and almost peed his pants. I must learn from his experience.
46. I will not tell Professor Binns that he is dead and a) needs to move on, or b) get a life.
47. I will not change the speed of light to 30 mph and enjoy watching my fellow students and the teachers find out about the miracles of relativity.
48. I will not start a betting pool on the fate of this year’s Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher, as it is tasteless and tacky, not a clever money-making concept.
49. I will not hand out shirts that say “Potter 6, Voldemort 0.”
50. Astronomy class will not cause me to be abducted by aliens.