Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: Gallant, Alabama
Am I Depressed...?
Am I depressed... Yeah, you read right.
I dunno, but I've just asked my grandmother if I could start taking my anti-depressant meds again after being off them for about a year and a half. I was on them for a few months after my uncle, who was like my dad in all aspects except for bioligically, died back on March 22 2006. He died six days before my own sisxttenth birthday and just a day before my colt (that me, my uncle, had got for me by breeding my mare) turned a year.
I was very torn up emotionally by his death, and I'll admit, it still bothers me. I can't think about my uncle without crying and I can't even listen to the music he used to listen to without tearing up and crying and feeling very upset. I can't even think about my uncle because it makes me so upset that I cry for hours, or I get so quiet and 'relive' the day he died in my mind.
I think part of my guilt from his death is because I never told his goodbye, and my last words to him were from a huge fight we had the day before he died where I told him that I hated him, though me and him both knew that I didn't mean it, I was just upset and lashing out.
His birthday was a few weeks ago, and I went and put flowers on his grave... and it tore me up inside because I was so upset, though I tried to hide it from my friends that day...
When he died and I was on anti-depressants, my emotions ran wild and off track. I'd find myself crying or tearing up at the slightest things, and I kept migraine headaches and didn't want to get out and do things. My friend Hannah literally had to drag me out of the house to go horseback riding, because I didn't want to ever do anything. I was seeing a 'shrink' for a while.
Lately, I've begun to wonder if maybe I'm depressed again. A few of my family members are on anti-depressants... close family members. My aunt and my cousin are the worst, and my aunt is on Prozac for her depression hers gets so bad.
Lately (the past month) my emotions have been raging again and I've felt like I couldn't control myself. I feel like one minute i'm happy and elated and the next I'm so sad that I'm strugging to keep back tears. I've found myself tearing up at the slightest things, getting jealous at the smallest little things, and I haven't really been feeling 'happy' lately. I've been craving food, not because I'm hungry, either... but just to have something to do/eat... I want to stay busy, but I'll often blank out and just stare off into space thinking about absolutely nothing, and when I 'come back' I'll find myself feeling so bad and upset that I can't concentrate.
Am I depressed again? Should I start back up on my anti-depressants? I dunno... but I just took an anti-depressant pill, and I think I'm going to start back up on them and see if I get to feeling a little better...
Horseshoe Loop Farm: Home of Gypsie (1994 TWH mare), Dakota (2006 TWH gelding), Jo (2012 TWH filly) & Minnie (1992 Paint mare)