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Anyone else ever have a step parent that was a jerk

3K views 33 replies 17 participants last post by  anndankev 
#1 · (Edited by Moderator)
My mom's been with this guy for something like 7 or 8 years now. At first he was OK, he lived somewhere else and I only saw him once in a while and was happy to not have to learn to like him or deal with him whether he was nice or not.

Then he moved in, which was OK for a while. But as I've gotten older he started showing his "this kid is 18 now tell him to get out and find a job" side to both me and my mom. My mom has told me multiple times she wants to continue to support me financially until my farrier thing takes off and I can pay for my own apartment and stuff. It seems like her boyfriend is trying to get in the way of that.

It's one thing if I just dropped out of high school and sat around 24/7. However... I had a job working regularly at a horse farm when I wasn't in school, and now I've been in farrier school and I'm trying to line up an apprenticeship. He has no reason to be a jerk, I'm not going and asking my mom for $400 every week then going and spending it on beer or video games or crap like that. I'm spending a minimal amount of money on food, clothes, and gas.

Not sure where I was going with this, but yeah. Anyone else have a jerk step parent or someone your parent is dating?
 
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#2 ·
My mother married a new guy when I was about 5. When I was little he was awesome. He loved me, took me places, spent money on me, treated me like his daughter. Once puberty hit, and I began to act like a bratty teenager, we started to have really bad fights. Knock down drag out, screaming your face off kind of fights. They divorced by the time I was 15 and that was the end of him. But aside from that... at 18 you're still a child. I don't really care what anyone says. If your age ends in "teen", then you're still a kid, and it's your parents job to continue to care for you while you ease into adulthood. I'm my opinion, if you're doing right, being a good "kid", honest, respectful, etc... then the stepmonster needs to butt out!
 
#3 ·
I was in that situation for awhile, my mom got a new boyfriend who was also into horses and was great at first. My mom and I have always fought hard but by the end of the night we're good again. That's how it's been my whole life. Well I'm 18 now and he gets between me and her to the point where he punched me in the face last week because we were fighting. It dislocated my jaw. I left for the weekend and when I came back everyone acted like nothing happened so I called them out for it. He apologized and blamed it on the alcohol, and I swore that if he ever even laid a finger on me again I'd put him in the hospital. It came so suddenly, I'm accepted into college and graduating high school this year, but I've been unemployed for the past 8 months and haven't been able to get a job. He seems to only turn nasty when my mother fights with me over being unemployed, and everyone's under the influence. I quit drinking and I've been keeping my distance to make sure nothing like that ever happens again, so help me god if it does. You're not alone in having a stepmonster, though I refuse to call him my step father, he's just my mother's boyfriend. Chin up, life will pick up and you can choose to never speak to any of them again if you wish!
 
#5 ·
Not all step parents are jerks!!!!

Examples on here aren't great unfortunately, but just put the shoe on the other foot for a second.

You come into an established family, built on loss through divorce. Thus already on the back foot in trying to establish any relationship with the kid/s - as someone here has already said, they didn't even want to like the step parent even if that person was nice.

You then invest time, finances and a heck of a lot of emotional energy into those kids to put them through school, sports etc. you cook for them, clean for them, run them around to whatever they need to do.

Your dream of falling in love, getting married, buying a house and having children has been upended by falling for someone with kids so you make the best of the situation and try your best to 'fit in'.

Everything you do in your own home is scrutinised and actions reported back to other parent. You put in all the effort and money of a parent, but with none of the benefits. The kids WANT to hate you despite your best efforts. All movies (Disney!!) and literature depicts you as an evil step parent. Other parents think you are contagious and avoid you like the plague.

Being a step parent is a really tough gig. Some don't do the right thing (though in my job I see just as many if not more parents treating their own children horrifically... It's not just step parents) but for the most part, you have an extremely vulnerable adult trying to do their best in a situation so far out of their control.
 
#6 ·
I think it can go both ways. My mother and father divorced when I was about five or six. Both of them remarried after a while.

My stepmother is a kind, warm, intelligent person who always made my sister and I welcome. I love her like a second mother. Her and my father had been married for 43 years before my father passed away.
My stepfather was a really cool person too and my mom was really happy. He passed away at a fairly young age with pancreatic cancer when I was about 13 years old.
When I was 18 I moved out of my mothers house because I wanted to be independent and do my own thing, make my own rules, etc. and knew that would not happen under her roof. Yes, it would have been easier to stay home but to this day, I'm glad I didn't. I learned how to take care of myself from an early age.
Anyway, my mother met someone else shortly after I moved out and they've been together for over thirty years. I will never consider that person my stepfather. I guess for one, he had no hand in raising me, but also, I just don't like him that much. He's a jerk. But, he treats my mother ok so I tolerate him. Still, he would be no friend of mine.

Step parents are not always step monsters, there are some cool people out there. I've dated people with kids and you know what? If I ever heard out of their mouths "My kids come before anyone else" I was history. "See ya' later". I don't need someone to tell me that they love their kids unconditionally, that's a given most of the time. If I'm going to be with someone, I want a partner in crime, not someone who's going to let their five year old run the show. I'm an intelligent and kind person who would never tell anyone "it's me or the kid" sort of thing and if anyone told me that I would send them packing (the adult, not the kid).

It's hard to combine families and it even gets harder when the kids are teens because a lot of times they're being jerks themselves at that time in their lives.

It sounds like your mom is being supportive and as long as you are looking for work, helping around the house (yes, finding chores around the house to do and doing it regularly goes a long way in keeping the peace) and trying to do your share I wouldn't worry about it so much. If I had an eighteen year old that was just laying around being a bum, I would tell them to move on. You may still be young, but legally, you are aloud to make your own decisions. If I had an eighteen year old who was acting like an adult being considerate, helpful, and looking like they are trying to make their own way, then they can stay for as long as they need.
 
#7 ·
I remarried after being single for nine years. To a man I was friends with for five of those nine. Everybody knew everybody well.

Within a month he began bullying my daughters. I'm a strict mother, but very fair.

This joker seemed to enjoy making life miserable for the kids by changing the rules or moving the goal of a task. I thought he must have a cognitive disorder to be so inconsistent and irrational. Nope. He was just mean to those with less power.

We didn't make it a year.

I'm still in contact with his sons. So are my children. They all have told me they liked how I stood up to the bully and they knew I'd always have their backs. They said it made them stronger and able stand up for themselves in other situations.

Him? He can drop dead, for all I care.
 
#8 ·
I can see it both ways. Your mother doesn't HAVE to be supporting you now that you are 18. We don't know what the family finances are and perhaps that is putting them in tighter financial spots or putting strains on their relationship.

Perhaps you should try to see his point of view. Sometimes they are monsters... But sometimes usually is a reason behind the madness.

You COULD get another job until you find an apprenticeship. I worked 2 to 3 jobs until my farrier work picked up when I was younger. It takes time. It isn't everyone's calling. I only do it part-time now for many reasons.
 
#9 ·
My mother passed away when I was 12, and my father remarried my stepmother when I was just barely 16. I'm VERY lucky that my stepmom is a kind, loving, and very warm and welcoming woman, I just refer to her as my mom now because frankly, I have now had her for longer than I had my birth mother.

I'm happy your mom is supporting you, but it might help to sit down and have a conversation with him and your mom as a family. What part is he worried about? It's not as easy for an 18 year old to get started in life as it was 20 or even 30 years ago, and it's even harder for a young person to sustain themselves just out of high school. Most jobs that an 18 year old can get do not pay a living wage - as well, federally you are allowed to be on your mother's health insurance until you are 26, which is a GREAT thing because buying your own health insurance is expensive, and Obamacare isn't all that great for someone who is already not making a lot of money.

It may be that he's concerned about the amount of money your mother is contributing and it cutting into their budget - maybe setting a budget for how much your mother is going to give you each month would also help ease some of the anxiety.

It may also help to write out who is going to be responsible for things like luxuries, your cell phone or internet, clothing, etc. I would try to get a second job while you work on finding an apprenticeship so you can contribute as much as possible towards your own expenses - and KEEP RECORDS/RECEIPTS like your life depends on it! Not only is it great practice for when you own your own business and have to do your own accounting/billing, it's a good way to pull up a spreadsheet and SHOW someone exactly where your money is going.

You can start saving some money where you can for emergencies like car maintenance/other bills.
 
#10 · (Edited)
So, are you an asset, or are you a liability?

I mean, if you make his life easier then no problem I guess....on the other hand, if you're making his life miserable, then no wonder he wants you out....

Maybe it's somewhere in the middle? Do you wash the car? Mow the grass? Take out the trash? Does your mother do your laundry and cook your meals? Are you polite and respectful?

Your mother is paying your bills so is that affecting the family financially? Are you playing her against him?

Relationships go both ways......what are you doing for him? Why does he want you out?

Once you know why he wants you out, then maybe you'll have a chance to fix things....

Become an asset to him....help him when things need to be done.....do that and he'll never want you to leave.....

Now, no body loves you like your mother.......because of that...it's easy for son's to take advantage of them....without them realizing they're being taken advantage of.

Frankly, I pity him....he's in a no win situation IMO.....because if she has to pick.....he'll lose every time....

So think about your mother.....what's best for her?
 
#11 ·
I was out of my parents' home by the time I was 18 so I'm not sure I understand the, 'You're still a TEENAGER so therefore are OWED room and board.' Yeah, not so much.


At 18 y/o you're legally an adult, so your mother isn't required to continue to support you. However, as long as you're contributing something to the household and your mother wants you there, then you stay. Since this guy isn't even married to your mother, he has no say in the matter.
 
#12 ·
Yes, he does have a say in the matter.....this riff can break up the relationship....he can pack up his stuff and leave.....

How would that affect your mother......think that would make her happy?

You need to try an figure out a way to make them both want you there.....

My guess is he cares about her and see you as taking advantage of her.....and he's to dumb to realize he's not going to win this one....so....what happens to his an her relationship has a lot to do with how you handle the situation....
 
#15 ·
My parents didn't really raise me to be very independent, especially not my dad. I just kind of want nothing to do with my family. I've never been big on family, I live my own life and choose my own friendships and family is kind of just there. The whole family comes before anything else thing never really clicked with me.

To get away from my family and make my own life I have to be independent. It's just how I've always felt. I've been imagining buying my own house and living away from people since I was like 15.
 
#23 ·
Ah, once again the step parent is the jerk due to the kids poor attitude. What a surprise!

Time to pull your head in kid or pack your bags to make your way in the big wide well. If be pushing to have you out as well if I was your step parent, the poor bloke.
I'm guessing by 'special favours' you are referring to a lack of assistance around the house as well?
I'd be waving and telling you not to let the door hit you on your way out. What a terrible attitude!!!!
 
#26 ·
Sorry OP, but your second post changed the entire conversation and my opinion.

If you don't care enough about your own mother to make an effort and be grateful that she's allowing you to live in her home while you pursue your dreams, then maybe it's time you found a job and moved out.

I'm also going to address the other poster who thinks it's okay to mooch off their parents until they can afford their own home. That's not how it works. If you expect to be coddled and treated like a child until you get married, how are you supposed to learn independence and responsibility?

If you go from your parents' home straight into marriage you have no clue how to survive on your own, and that's unacceptable. Are you expecting to be taken care of without making any effort yourself?

Life has no guarantees, and you're better off striking out on your own and learning some independent survival skills, because parents die and divorces happen.
 
#28 ·
I think there's issues on both sides, here.

First, Napth, you need to change your attitude on your family and realize that they've given you a lot. Your mother is doing you a huge service in wanting to support you in spite of your stepdad's protests and obvious resentment.

What I would do in this scenario is to make absolutely sure your stepfather and mother know you are grateful for the support they choose to give. Say "thank you" every time, even if you don't feel thankful - they still need to hear it. Use the funds you are given wisely. Thank your stepdad for his PATIENCE, even if he's not being patient. That tells him you value what he feels he's giving you, and people who are giving up something they worked for need to feel valued.

I had much the same attitude as you when I was younger. I wanted to be independent and move as far away from my family as I could get - I don't think that's a symptom of being a bad person, but maybe you just have not had enough life experience yet to realize what being an adult and taking care of someone else entails.

I moved out into the world and I realized that not everyone has parents who help them, or take care of them well past childhood. My dad and I butted heads a lot when I was younger, knock-down, drag-out fights a lot of the time. I thought he wanted me out as bad as I wanted to be out. But we both grew up a lot when I moved away from home, and now I enjoy having a grown-up relationship with my family. I realize just how hard being an adult can be - it's hard, and it's scary a lot of the time.

And once you have those experiences that are yet to come, you will realize it too.

If you can't contribute money just yet, make sure you are giving what you can - your time, your work around the home, and your patience and gratitude. These are all things that don't FEEL valuable to you right now, but they speak volumes to your parents and other adults.

Even if you are giving your parents $200 a month, cleaning the kitchen and making dinner for them once or twice a week, it will be a huge step forward.
 
#33 ·
OP, I think you're right. It's time to be independent. You clearly have it very tough, so time to head out into the world where 100% independence is easy. Just remember, no handouts from mum allowed. Obviously you have no understanding of the cost of living nor the amount of time required to maintain a household. My ENTIRE wage each fortnight, from a very well paying, secure career goes into the mortgage. My partner's wage then gets shredded by weekly grocery bills, council rates, electricity bill, gas bill, water bill, emergency services levy, car registration, car insurance, health insurance, home and contents insurance, fuel....
And then you want to have horses and nice clothes on top?
And support an ungrateful teenager who thinks that money grows on trees and parents have unlimited time and nothing else that they want to do in their lives but wait hand and foot, 24/7 on their snooty child who thinks that the world owes them everything....

Life's a breeze ;)
 
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