Anyone else out there work in the food/service industry?
Completely off the wall here, but I waitress full time in the winter months and I absolutely LOVE my job. But sometimes, it gets to me. Every now and then I write a little quirky thing and post it on my facebook for my co workers. They appreciate them so much, I just thought I'd throw one of them up here, in case there were any other food and/or service workers who might be having a rough day.
My girls thought this was pretty funny, they think I should write a book. Haha.
Please feel free to add anything as well.
So, I haven't had the worst day today. Today wasn't even my worst day this WEEK, but it's days like today that make me look back and ask myself how the hell I am not in the nearest asylum.
I'm thinking of writing a book on etiquette, or just plain how to be freaking NORMAL and leaving it as like a table type pamphlet on the tables at work.
Dinner time Marriage proposals:
Look, Fools, I'm here to WORK, ok? I'm not just bringing you food out of the kindness of my heart or because I simply can not GET ENOUGH of the 6 inches of butt crack you have hanging out in the back or the jelly roll in the front you can't seem to buy a shirt big enough to cover.
I get paid to listen to your gripes & complaints, woes and worries. I get PAID to smile at your off color jokes and make small talk right back, while keeping a safe distance outside the bubble of the noxious cloud of your incredibly intense body odor. This is my job.
No where in my job description does it say that I must let you hold my hand while we you are gazing intently into my eyes, with what you must consider to be a sexy smirk, and making more than slightly suggestive references to whatever type of meat is on your plate.
No where on the application that I filled out, nor in the employee hand book does it state that I can't just pull my hand from your sweaty, greasy grasp, haul back and punch you in your fat, saggy face. THAT is the kindness I bestow upon you. THAT is going above and beyond. For your sake, smelly guy, all for you. Because I'm inclined to be reasonable.
Your marriage proposal, as touching as it was, called out across the dining room, through a mouthful of hot dog, chili and onions clinging so sexily to your second chin...Oh, it was my prize moment, smelly guy. I'll never be the same.
I know you are under the impression that my boss makes me wear clothes as a simple formality, but underneath I am 140 lbs of aching desire FOR YOU smelly guy, oh, ABSOLUTELY! You MUST think that *Six Star* is another name for ****** House* I mean, it's pretty much OBVIOUS, is it not, smelly guy? We *waitresses* are here to pick up men, such as yourself, you snappy dresser you, and for no other reason.
I do not do this job to make money to pay my mortgage, my bills and buy food for my family. You have sought out my most secret desire and ulterior motive for coming to this restaurant every day and passing out french fries... I was simply seeking love in the sweaty arms of someone just such as yourself, smelly guy.
That is why it is COMPLETELY understandable, based on the a fore mentioned 'secret understanding', that you reach for me every time I pass, with your mustard caked fingers, and simply beg that I pay you attention you so rightly deserve and are obviously seeking, grab my hand in both of your sticky paws, which have a nodding acquaintance with soap, at best, gaze into my wide, startled eyes with your nicotine yellowed, alcohol watery, jaundiced eyes and ask me to marry you. Right there on the spot.
I can't believe this is really happening to me! Right here! In the middle of an otherwise normal day at work! Oh, I am so happy!
YES! YES, SMELLY MAN, YES, OH YES! I WILL marry you, oh, without a doubt or second thought! How could I pass this up!
For a life time of being seen in public with you, getting taken out to dinner to fine establishments, such as this one, being subject to your exquisite table manners, and OH! to wake up to the aroma of week old sweat EVERY MORNING? Let me get my coat!
That $.68 cents you tossed on the table was just a formality, I know, don't worry, you'll get that back and more when I embark on my life as your beloved one and only! You didn't have to do that, Sweetie! I know times are hard, and how did you have ANY money left after spending $24.00 on $.99 cent coneys and french fries? You must really be SOMEONE smelly guy! I don't know what your line of work is, you never could fit it in between your suggestive winks, belching and the coo of sweet, onion smelling love words, but, that's okay. I NEED you smelly man! I LOVE you! I ACHE for you! I will WAIT for you, every day is going to be torture until I can see your rotten toothed smile again!
What's ACTUALLY funny is, people actually think this is how you feel. It's amazing, in an 'I'm going to stick this fork in my eye' kind of a way.
He knows when you're happy
He knows when you're comfortable
He knows when you're confident
And he always knows when you have carrots.