Boyfriend's mother dislikes me? - The Horse Forum
LinkBack Thread Tools
post #1 of 18 Old 03-07-2013, 01:11 AM Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 387
• Horses: 2
Boyfriend's mother dislikes me?

If this is in the wrong section, please, by all means, move it! I'm not a teen, otherwise I would have put it in the teen section.

I'm sure this is an age-old problem: Girl meets guy, they fall in love, guy's mother doesn't like girl. That is pretty much my issue here.

I'm currently in graduate school (starting year numero 2, whoop whoop! Only 2 more to go!). I met my boyfriend while completing my undergraduate degree at another university. We've been together for a little over 2 & 1/2 years. Over that time period, he's become very close to my Mom. She's always told me that she likes him, and looks at him as a second son. She treats him like a son, too, not like a guest. My boyfriend likes her quite a bit too, and is always easy around her. He just gets more relaxed in general; like he can talk about anything without being judged by her. It's good to see that between both of them.

I wish the same could be said for his mother and myself... (I'll just refer to my boyfriend's mother as "X".) X's mother died when she was a kid, so I always thought that that might have something to do with her coldness towards me, but I'm not so sure. X's father got remarried only a year after her death, and she treats her step-mother like her real Mom (and it's reciprocated).

Anyway, I feel like X is very cold towards me. I've gone up to my boyfriend's parents house many, many times, but her attitude never changes. I'm naturally very shy, and I was always taught to never speak (at length, anyway) unless spoken to. X never tries to engage me in any conversation at the dinner table, car, or etc. There have been times where we've been completely alone in the same room for over 2 hours, and she hasn't said a word to me. When I try to get something started, she'll answer, but won't take the bait to just talk with me.
She isn't that way with other people. My boyfriend's brother's girlfriend (whom I'll call "Y" here) gets along quite well with X. When Y speaks, X listens attentively, asks questions that shows she's interested, and actually displays emotion! (I kid you not, X hardly ever, ever smiles at me.) It just makes me feel all sorts of crappy.

Another reason that I suspect X may not like me is how she talks about Y. When complete strangers ask about my boyfriend and his brother, X will immediately start talking about my boyfriend's brother and Y, and their careers. One is a mechanic, and the other is in school to become a radiology tech. Both are good at what they do, and I like them a lot. I just wish that X would acknowledge my boyfriend and I. Only half the time does she note what my boyfriend is doing, and almost all of the time she says absolutely nothing about me. Now, I'm not a braggart by any means. I'm not praised or petted on a daily basis, and I can certainly live without it! It would just make me feel good to have someone praise my efforts, you know?
Usually the strangers that inquired about X's sons will ask me directly what I do, almost seeming to note that she left me out. When I tell them that I'm in graduate school, they seem surprised. I expect that most of them thought I was holding a crap job somewhere!

I'm just not sure why X wouldn't like me. I don't drink, smoke, curse, or get myself into any trouble. I always try to be polite and respectful, even if I cannot stand the person I'm dealing with. I give my opinion about certain subjects, but I'm always open to discussion and dialogue. I try to keep an open mind, and be diplomatic.
It just makes no sense to me. I don't think it's an issue of "stealing her little boy away", since she gets along so well with Y.
This just frustrates me on so many levels. I've tried to kill her with kindness, again and again, and it never works. The anxiety I feel when just thinking of going to see them is unsettling.

Any thoughts and/or advice?
NeighAngel likes this.
TurkishVan is offline  
Sponsored Links
post #2 of 18 Old 03-07-2013, 01:38 AM Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 387
• Horses: 2
And hopefully this doesn't seem like a "Boo hoo/woe is me!" type of post! It's just one of those things that grates on me after a while. Since I know I'm not the only one to go through this, I thought I'd see what other people did to deal with it.

I can live without her approval, but it'd sure make life a bit easier if we had it.
TurkishVan is offline  
post #3 of 18 Old 03-07-2013, 07:04 AM
Green Broke
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: SE TN
Posts: 4,630
• Horses: 3
It's not about you it's about her.....she wouldn't like any woman that was stealing her boy.

That's okay. Nothing stronger than a mothers love for her son. Be good to him and one day she'll probably learn to like you despite of herself.

Now, you respect her and things might happen quicker....this is an age old problem and I assure you it has nothing to do with you.

For we wrestle not against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this world, against spiritual wickedness in high places.
gunslinger is offline  
post #4 of 18 Old 03-07-2013, 08:00 AM
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Quebec
Posts: 1,847
• Horses: 0
One my sisters had problems with her mother in law. But it was because she was a bit special, so ya she freaked out because my sister was taking her son "away from her". There is not much you can do I'm afraid. HOpefully one day she'll warm up, but all you can do is continue to be kill with kindness. If you haven't already, talk about it with your boyfriend. Not saying you should ask him to fix it, but he should be aware of what your going through, and maybe he'll be able to speak to his mother one day and figure out what are her thoughts and feelings too. For all you know, X might have hoped he'd marry/go out with some other girl she liked, but he didn't so she's gravely disappointed. There could be a number of reasons, but stay strong! :)

A ride a day keeps the worries away!
Hidalgo13 is offline  
post #5 of 18 Old 03-07-2013, 08:10 AM
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: left of center
Posts: 7,083
• Horses: 2
Both of my poor sil's had to deal with this from my mother for YEARS, as did my DH. Only my mom was blatant in her comments. It was interesting to watch. My brothers nor my dad would EVER call mom out on it, while I gave her a ration of crap. Did no good though, I have to say, and over the years it became something we all sort of laughed about. What choice did we have? In fact, we laughed at her when she said rude things. Shoot-I have been married for over 30 years, and the last time I saw mom (rest her soul now), she asked if I was still married to HIM. (she never called DH by name-ever!)

SOme folks are just like that, and has been said-it is their issue, not yours. Some, like my MIL, never learned to "play nice in the sandbox" from their own moms and some, like my mom, just think they are better than everyone else. Over the years I have found common ground with my MIL, and she is ok. It has taken years tho, and now I get along better with her than her daughters. You and BF have to make your own relationship in spite of her, but, BF should be supportive of you and know how it gets to you. When we were all together with my mom-we all had silent cues to each other to support each other when she was being her evil self.

THink of it this way-she is teaching you how NOT to be a good mom. All this will do is alienate her son. You still have to kill her with kindness tho-it is hard, I know, but it does pay off.

Signature undergoing edits. Please standby.......

Last edited by franknbeans; 03-07-2013 at 08:13 AM.
franknbeans is offline  
post #6 of 18 Old 03-07-2013, 08:33 AM
Join Date: Sep 2012
Posts: 3,712
• Horses: 0
Yup, like Frank said.....kill her with kindness. It aggravates the crap out of them but gives them nothing to bitch about.
Muppetgirl is offline  
post #7 of 18 Old 03-07-2013, 08:47 AM
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Palmyra, Wisconsin
Posts: 6,092
• Horses: 4
That is why I never date anyone with living parents.
FGRanch, AlexS, wetrain17 and 2 others like this.
natisha is offline  
post #8 of 18 Old 03-07-2013, 09:18 AM
Join Date: May 2011
Posts: 1,824
• Horses: 0
And what has your boyfriend said about this?

This is what happens when you have democrats in office
wetrain17 is offline  
post #9 of 18 Old 03-07-2013, 09:28 AM
Green Broke
Join Date: Sep 2012
Posts: 3,277
• Horses: 0
I had this problem with my ex's mother. I got so fed up with her I started calling her out on her crap. I looked her straight in the face and said "look you obviously don't like me, but i'm here and I am dating your son so get over yourself"

After that any time she said anything or was snarky I would laugh at her and ask her when she plans on graduating high school.

I'm just a wee bit outspoken though
BCtazzie and TurkishVan like this.

BB ~ 2014 Trakehner Bratty Mare ~ 1993 CSHA Em ~ 2007 Standardbred
NBEventer is offline  
post #10 of 18 Old 03-07-2013, 11:10 AM
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Cariboo, British Columbia
Posts: 11,770
• Horses: 3
As long as you are cordial to each other, what's the problem? Some people just don't jive socially, sounds like she isn't mean to you, but she isn't warm & fuzzy either. Just continue being respectful and if there is any confrontation, walk away. I did that for 30 years until my m/i/l passed away. She wasnt my type of person & vice versa, but there was no way I was engaging in any snarkiness
Posted via Mobile Device
Skyseternalangel likes this.
waresbear is offline  

Quick Reply

Register Now

In order to be able to post messages on the The Horse Forum forums, you must first register.

Already have a Horse Forum account?
Members are allowed only one account per person at the Horse Forum, so if you've made an account here in the past you'll need to continue using that account. Please do not create a new account or you may lose access to the Horse Forum. If you need help recovering your existing account, please Contact Us. We'll be glad to help!

New to the Horse Forum?
Please choose a username you will be satisfied with using for the duration of your membership at the Horse Forum. We do not change members' usernames upon request because that would make it difficult for everyone to keep track of who is who on the forum. For that reason, please do not incorporate your horse's name into your username so that you are not stuck with a username related to a horse you may no longer have some day, or use any other username you may no longer identify with or care for in the future.

User Name:
Please enter a password for your user account. Note that passwords are case-sensitive.


Confirm Password:
Email Address
Please enter a valid email address for yourself.

Email Address:


Human Verification

In order to verify that you are a human and not a spam bot, please enter the answer into the following box below based on the instructions contained in the graphic.

Old Thread Warning
This thread is more than 90 days old. When a thread is this old, it is often better to start a new thread rather than post to it. However, If you feel you have something of value to add to this particular thread, you can do so by checking the box below before submitting your post.

Thread Tools
Show Printable Version Show Printable Version
Email this Page Email this Page

Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
Tex Tan saddle like or dislikes? FriesianSH Western Riding 8 03-28-2013 03:43 PM
Wintec 500 AP Saddles likes and dislikes? phoenixbabey Horse Tack Reviews 12 01-10-2013 07:05 PM
Horse dislikes being tied ShinaKonga Horse Training 7 01-05-2011 12:12 AM
Not standing on crossties/Dislikes grooming? emilieg Horse Training 35 03-21-2010 01:52 AM
Breed Likes and Dislikes Current Displeasure Horse Talk 10 07-23-2009 11:05 PM

Posting Rules  
You may post new threads
You may post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are On

For the best viewing experience please update your browser to Google Chrome