Cohabiting for the first time - any tips? - Page 2 - The Horse Forum

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post #11 of 22 Old 11-27-2012, 11:56 PM Thread Starter
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Originally Posted by oobiedoo View Post
Ok so you're not a girly girly romantic type, but by cohabiting I assume you have a sexual relationship too and not just room mates?
Haha yes - well I certainly hope so! Otherwise I'm taking him back to the shop... (And yes, we already have a sexual relationship.)

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Originally Posted by oobiedoo View Post
First thing is cohabiting really doesn't indicate if a marriage will be successful. Been there, done that. Lived together for 2yrs and everyday was laughing and talking and we even slept together in a twin bed for the first year always snuggled and happy. Within 30 days of the wedding it was like someone had pulled a bait and switch. Totally different person.
Yup, seen that too! It seems some people's expectations from their partner change dramatically once the ring's on the finger. I don't think that'll happen here but I'm very aware that it happens, and all too regularly...


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Originally Posted by oobiedoo View Post
Anyway that being said, if he wants the same thing you do being aware of keeping communication open and ongoing and working together to keep things afloat then why not just get married? Marrying a best friend with common interezts and having each others back over the years is probably one of the best marriges anyone could want in reality.Having someone to share your happiness with and someone to lean on when you need to lean is priceless.
That being said, I really don't care if single people live with somebody different every 2 years, if it's not fun anymore you can just walk as the other person is adult and can do the same thing and can take care of themselves.
The only reason I'd suggest making it legal instead is because there's a young child involved.I have a 4yr old granddaughter and her daddy will move in with any woman that will support him in an instant, then that becomes Chloes home too on his weekends and holidays, it takes maybe 6 months to a year for these women to wise up and kick him out but by then he's got Chloe calling the woman mama and thinking she has a brother and then all of a sudden one day she doesnt have a brother anymore or the other mama. When this stuff happens repeatedly is it no wonder a child grows up with problemx?
I very much doubt that will happen (though I am well aware of the dangers), but that made me think of something else - things might be a lot easier as far as legal custodianship of the child goes if we're married. If anything happened to him () I'd want to have some influence in making sure she was safe and well-cared-for, even though I wasn't legally permitted to do so myself - I'll get some legal advice on this because family law is pretty confusing.


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Originally Posted by oobiedoo View Post
Anyhow, I wish you nothing but happiness but at least consider that a great friendship and comittment to working together is a great foundation for a marriage and a better life for the little one. And it's much easier to just have a roommate than cohabit, at least then your only obligations are financial.
Thank you! And I completely agree about the friendship point - we have had a very complex relationship due to distance and at times (years ago) both just been friends and had other partners, but he's always been my best friend and been very supportive...and I hope I've been the same. I always feel rather sad when people dismiss friendship as a foundation for a sexual relationship. What happens in a purely attraction-based relationship when the flames of desire burn out for one or both parties?

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post #12 of 22 Old 11-28-2012, 08:24 AM
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Communicate, communicate, communicate.
And when all else fails.... communicate.
No matter how masculine your tastes and thought process may be, your brain is not male.
There are physiological differences in how the brain processes information, ideas, and situations that are just different, so refer back to point number one...
Communicate!
No matter how small or insignificant something may be, when people don't fully understand one another, that tiny thing will grow into a big thing.
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post #13 of 22 Old 11-28-2012, 10:33 AM
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I was going to say exactly what Lockwood did.

Talk about everything. Have completely open lines of communication.

If he left his dirty dishes and crumbs on the counter, tell him! (Or vice versa, since you says he's the neat freak!) If he drank the last of the milk, and didn't put it on the grocery list to get more, talk about it! Any little thing, no matter how small, talk about it! If you hold things in, that's when trouble starts.

My hubby and I have never really had an actual fight. We've been married since June, together for 7 years. (although most of that long distance while I was in school). But we always talk and discuss everything. Even the smallest thing that bothers one of us, it gets put on the table. Very open lines of communication! That's the key.
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post #14 of 22 Old 11-28-2012, 11:33 PM
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Well, I did not "cohabitate" w anyone until I got married. There is a vast difference between having one's complete and total own space and ... not. :) If that is what you want to do, I wish you all the happiness. I personaly feel that unless you are going to get married, why give all that wonderful "private space" up?!? Must be love.

And that talk, talk stuff that lockwood put so nicely.... I like the sounds of it! Its a great idea! Unfortunately, I find male's idea of communicating to be a bit different from females. I haven't broken the code yet, myself...but lockwood is a wise one...maybe she will sell you the "secret codes". And, if it works, I'll buy it from you. :)

Seriously, since you have common interests I think that puts you ahead of the game.
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post #15 of 22 Old 11-28-2012, 11:57 PM
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Our 21st anniversary is Friday. We dated for several years, then we lived together for several more and then we got married. If I were to do it all over again, I probably would say, either marry or don't. That marriage license brought a whole new level of commitment to our relationship, before we got married we were very much still just boyfriend and girlfriend and both did kind of our own thing unless it was convenient to be a couple. After saying, "til death do us part", we've been very careful about being a couple and working as a team. Life ain't perfect, but then again we're both human and imperfect by definition!

Until you're married, keep the money totally separate, he doesn't get access to your piggy bank and you stay out of his. His kid is his responsibility and you're not a free babysitter. He doesn't get to go back to work and to leave you with all the kid duties, there's daycare for that stuff. That will save you a boatload of disagreements.

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post #16 of 22 Old 11-29-2012, 08:11 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Missy May View Post
Well, I did not "cohabitate" w anyone until I got married. There is a vast difference between having one's complete and total own space and ... not. :) If that is what you want to do, I wish you all the happiness. I personaly feel that unless you are going to get married, why give all that wonderful "private space" up?!? Must be love.

And that talk, talk stuff that lockwood put so nicely.... I like the sounds of it! Its a great idea! Unfortunately, I find male's idea of communicating to be a bit different from females. I haven't broken the code yet, myself...but lockwood is a wise one...maybe she will sell you the "secret codes". And, if it works, I'll buy it from you. :)

Seriously, since you have common interests I think that puts you ahead of the game.
I've almost cracked zee code....mwhaaa aaaah ahhh...
I shall vinish evil plan as soon as I vind zee modifier for schplitting zee atom, and zen I vill be rich!!

(In the mean time, "Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus" is actually quite helpful.
No, really... that and hokey books like it give a slight peak into the mysteries of the male mind, and while it is a scary place to venture.... it does help with the translation of "male language" versus normal language.)
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post #17 of 22 Old 12-03-2012, 02:05 AM Thread Starter
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Thanks guys!

Communication will hopefully not be much of a problem - 80% of our relationship has been verbal communication (thanks to long-distance). But we'll still have to work on it of course! Especially as I just don't get subtle (or even obvious) hints and I can't always read facial expressions, so I tend to take every statement at face value. E.g. If I ask someone "How are you?" and they say "I'm OK..." I just think they're OK - sometimes later I realise that maybe they were just saying they were OK and that they wanted me to delve a bit deeper... Horses are so much easier to read LOL.

Missy, I think you've hit on something there - sharing space as a couple will be a struggle for me. I've been living by myself for nearly a year and a half, and before that I was living with mates who weren't involved in my life. But being in a live-in relationship is way different, I'm going to have to make a concerted effort to not look like a caveman

I'm not against us getting married but I don't want it to be a big fussy wedding (the smaller the better really), and I'm determined that we don't spend much on it - the last thing we need is financial pressure at the beginning of our marriage. If I can budget it under $800 I'd be delighted!

ETA: I actually have the same thought processes, spatial awareness, communication processes and problem solving of the average male. I have a lot more male "mates" than female friends because they make more sense to me. Although when they start showing me their man-scent collections I get very confused

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Last edited by EvilHorseOfDoom; 12-03-2012 at 02:09 AM.
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post #18 of 22 Old 12-03-2012, 09:20 AM
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NO JOINT BANK ACCOUNT - too easy for one person to clean it out. Since you have a source of income don't expect that he will get off his duff and get a job. Don't excuse his injuries he is capable to employment. Men often get this idea that once under the same roof that women do the housework and the babysitting while he watches the game one tv. If you do co-habit I think you will find yourself taking on far more than you want, not at first but it will sneak up on you. Let us know when you break up.
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post #19 of 22 Old 12-03-2012, 09:54 AM Thread Starter
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NO JOINT BANK ACCOUNT - too easy for one person to clean it out. Since you have a source of income don't expect that he will get off his duff and get a job. Don't excuse his injuries he is capable to employment. Men often get this idea that once under the same roof that women do the housework and the babysitting while he watches the game one tv. If you do co-habit I think you will find yourself taking on far more than you want, not at first but it will sneak up on you. Let us know when you break up.
Yeah no, that's not happening. He's desperate to get back to work, he's way too hyper to sit around all day. Injuries weren't an excuse, he's a track rider and breaker and has had a whole string of bad breaks. Last was his wrist which still isn't really good enough to hold a racer so he's switching to harness. He's also a full-time dad I might point out, not just bumming around.

Not sure why you're being so negative about it, I've known this guy for years and we've been through A LOT both in our relationship and out. I'm certainly not one to be doing all the housework either, I'm a very independent woman, and bone lazy when it comes to cleaning. If anything, I'm going to have to pick up my socks because I'm a shocker at the moment.

Sheesh!

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post #20 of 22 Old 12-03-2012, 09:58 AM
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Funny thing, my hubby and I have been married for 17 years and we still don't have a joint checking account of any kind. I don't know why exactly, it was not a conscious choice, just never merged.

The best time to plant a tree was 20 years ago, the second best time is today.
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