Family issue... advise/opinions wanted please! - Page 2 - The Horse Forum
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post #11 of 15 Old 03-27-2013, 03:51 AM
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Interesting story. I know what I would do, but what makes the world interesting is everyone is different. :) I, personally, would figure he made a decision, a thought out choice w respect to any of his consideration toward you. It was his right, his choice and he owns it. Likewise, if he wanted to see me and I felt up to it, I would make the "meeting" on my terms, or nothing - that is your right and your choice. If I felt the wedding wouldn't qualify as "on my terms", then I wouldn't waste 3 seconds checking "no" on the rsvp, advise him to get a refund on the ticket, have zero regret over it, send a nice gift, and be done w it. I think it is pretty inconsiderate of a grown man to expect you to go under the circumstances in the first place.

However, I would also forgive him. For your own sake - not his.

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post #12 of 15 Old 03-27-2013, 05:05 AM
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This is 150% your decision. Do not feel pressured to do anything that you don't feel comfortable with.

Part of me wants to tell you to go, it's your Dad, and you may regret it if you don't.

The other part of me knows how much pain a family member can cause and thinks you need to take care of yourself before anybody else. I have had no contact with my father in over 2 years, he makes no effort to acknowledge his only grandkids and hasn't acknowledged my son. I would be a complete hypocrite if I told you that you had to go... because I know the chances are I wouldn't.

Where I can understand where those who have lost a parent are coming from (I lost my Mom, miss her every day) until we are in each other's shoes, we can't say how we would react. You can't pick you family, as sometimes that blood connection just isn't strong enough to build a relationship on. Hopefully some day both of us can see a way to fix things with our fathers, but sometimes it takes a lot of time.

Stop for a minute, open your mind, learn. You may not agree with what I say, I may not agree with what you say but we will both learn something new.
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post #13 of 15 Old 03-27-2013, 08:49 AM
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I wouldn't go. You owe this man nothing. Just because he is blood means nothing. My bio father took off before I was even born, came back in my life when I was 12 then vanished then popped back up again when I was 15. I finally met him when I was 15 and he was sickly nice to me and his wife was a stone cold *ahem* who told me every child should have both biological parents in their lives but that will never happen for me.

He dropped out of my life when I was 16 with no reasoning and I haven't given him a second thought.

My step father was an idiot whos family treated me and my Mom like garbage. Mom finally divorced him after 24 years of abuse. His family tried to stay in my life as he was around from the moment I was born. I wanted nothing to do with them.

I am 28 now and I have not talked to either man in years. I don't give either of them a second thought. It was weird at first to want nothing to do with my step fathers family, especially since as far as I knew he was my bio father until I was 12 when the truth finally came out(he wouldn't let Mom tell me he wasn't my bio father). I grew up thinking they were my family. Now I could care less. I have my Mom and I am close to my Mom and as far as I am concerned she is my only family and I love it this way.

You don't like the way he treated you, you don't like the way he treated your Mom and he is flaunting this affair in your face like its a big joke and can't get why you are hurt by it. Why put yourself through the mental torment? If you want to see your family from his side then arrange another time to go visit them and only them. Why bother with him?

People always say enjoy having your father now because he could be dead tomorrow. To me that only counts if you have an actual relationship and the person has been respectful of you and those who mean something to you.

However I am a jaded person when it comes to the whole father issue seeing as any man who somewhat resembled a father figure to me turned out to be a worthless being.
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post #14 of 15 Old 03-27-2013, 10:25 AM Thread Starter
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Thanks for all the well thought out responses, everyone. I definitely see both sides and all the reasons people have stated, which is why I'm struggling so much with this.

I think I would eventually feel guilty if I don't go, but I'm sure sure about that. They're getting married in the most ridiculous way... during a concert in front of 1200 strangers. Every time I think about the wedding, I can't help but shake my head and be shocked by the size of their egos, which has always been a problem between my father and I. When I was younger, we had an ok relationship. We got along most of the time, but we got into huge fights and screaming matches. He has a large ego and is extremely stubborn. I'm also stubborn and refused to just give in to him whenever he thought he was right and I was wrong. Of course, my awareness of how large (and sensitive) his ego is has only grown in the last few years as I've seen his reaction to losing friends.

Unfortunately, I wouldn't be able to see some members of my family other times. One of my aunts who lives in California doesn't fly, so the only way to see her is to go there. I also haven't seen my cousin in over 5 years... she's finishing up her schooling, so is unable to travel.

One of my concerns is that, if I go and make it clear that I want my space, he'll agree to get me there and then it'll be different once I'm actually there. That's definitely something he would potentially do. Once I'm there, he'd probably try to pressure me into taking a bigger role.

It seems to me like it's a risky situation, no matter what I decide. I feel as if I'm stuck trying to choose between the least unpleasant options
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post #15 of 15 Old 03-27-2013, 11:20 AM
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I'm going to hit this from a different perspective. I understand you're mad at your dad, and especially angry because he's being nasty to your mother.

Something I had to learn through my parent's divorce was, it's their problem and it's between them. It's ok to be mad at dad for being a jerk, but he's still your dad and the only one you've got. Go, make nice, take part in the wedding (it's HIS day) and make him happy you came. Then go visit your family and then go home. You can't keep on holding a grudge for the divorce, regardless of how either party is acting, or how it came about. At 19/20 years old, you need to be pulling back some and making your own space with each parent and that means accepting (notice I didn't say liking) his new mate. You just make nice when you're all together and then just go on your way. That's the adult thing to do. By making nice and not rehashing and hanging on to old grievances, you may eventually find out that you've come to a peaceful spot in your relationship with your dad. Sometimes, that's as good as it gets.

I never did like my dad's new wife, I thought she was a harpy. But....I made nice, went to all the holiday dinners and such and was able to keep a fairly decent relationship with my dad. I did get a GREAT little sister our of the deal, so it was worth it. Now that dad and mom have passed, I am doubly glad that I made myself behave and make nice when he was alive. It would have just torn me apart to have had him die when we were at odds.

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