Lately I find myself bubbling over with anxiety. Either I'm really excited or really worried.
I'm about to make the plunge to become independent from my parents. They're moving to a different country, whilst I'm moving back to the States. I'll be staying with my friend, she's been ever so gracious.. but I can't help but worry.
Today I had another riding lesson. I didn't do bad, I didn't fall off despite some spooking and little crowhops. I have no reason to feel like a failure but I do because I had planned on recording my ride with my new GoPro and for some reason it didn't work.
It didn't work. Now I leave soon and have no idea if I can get another chance to see where I'm at. To show people that I'm actually capable of what I've been learning and practicing.. not some shmuck.
That added onto the fact that I stupidly trusted members of my family with personal loans, and I'm down a lot of money. No word on when they intend to pay me back.. but I leave in 2 weeks and then they won't be in nagging distance.
Third, Sky has come up lame. This worries me a lot. We've had the farrier and vet out, but it's all up in the air right now.
What if our relationship isn't the same when I get back? What if he hates the rider or person that I've become! I've grown a lot in the past year since I visited him.
Fourth... there's this guy I really like and boy he went from confusing to steady to confusing again. My friends think he's trying to distance himself from me since I'm leaving... but I just don't know. I feel I'd come across clingy if I asked him why because I'm feeling super clingy lately. I'm probably not clingy but I've convinced myself otherwise.
We recently went on vacation together and it was wonderful for the most part. We work really well together, we didn't have any arguments or fights aside from differences of opinion. I really like him for who he is, but the timing is awful. I'm leaving.. he's still working out details in his life, I'll be a mess working out my leap of independence.... I just don't know. I'm very sad because if the timing was different... if I met him once I was all good to go, things would probably work out different.
And now I'm rambling :(
The last piece is I'm concerned about transferring to the college I've always wanted to go to. I put my current degree on hold because it was getting too far away from my initial interests. So I want to focus on a degree that will support my goal of becoming a veterinarian which specializes in large animals. Well I'm having issues picking out a major. I want to do Pre-Vet but I'm not sure the classes are what I need. They also have a Bachelors of Science in Equestrian Studies but they require me to ride... but they don't offer Dressage. They offer reining, western (???,) hunter/jumper, or saddleseat.... or they offer driving. I think reining would be fun.. but could I handle that?! What about my dressage.. will I lose all the progress I've made?
Grrrrr I'm just so mixed up.