I've really been feeling pretty hopeless lately, now more so than ever. This past spring and summer, I was doing really great. After years of suffering from depression and anxiety, I felt like I was finally free from it. I was ready to move out of the house, finish my bachelor's at university in journalism, and move on to a new chapter of my life.
About a week after I moved in with my best friend and her friend at school, things went downhill very quickly. They were fighting, my friend was lashing out at me, and I made some poor social choices. I've always had a tendency to run away from any conflict or just keep my mouth shut. I don't know why that is exactly, but I'm absolutely passive-aggressive or completely anti-confrontational. When there's a social conflict, I freeze up and tend to just avoid whatever is causing the social anxiety. And, of course, I stopped taking my meds for whatever reason.
I went home for what I thought would be just a weekend and ended up moving out. I knew I should go back and that people would expect me to, but I completely lost my marbles and sanity. I contemplated suicide with Windex (don't ask me why), tried to cut myself, and would not talk to anyone.
Long story short there, my friend and I patched it up after I moved out, but the event had taken its toll on me and I was experiencing the worst depression and anxiety I'd ever had since senior year of high school. Because the college was overcrowded, I was not able to find a single apartment, and I have always known that living with people I didn't know would not be a good option for me. So I decided to drive back and forth every day from home, which is an hour and a half one way. I've grown accustomed to it and don't actually mind the drive except for having to pay for gas.
However, the depression and anxiety have not subsided since then, and I'm having a rough go of everything. I started back on my medication, visited the psychiatrist and started on a supplemental drug, and started going back to counseling very recently. But I'm struggling.
I have the worst time waking up in the morning. I get about 8 hours of sleep at night, but when I wake up, I feel like I haven't slept. I'm groggy until maybe noon, if not most of the day. I just always feel tired. I'm constantly sleeping or trying to relax, but I always feel on edge.
I also feel very unmotivated, and it seems like the smallest tasks are too much. If there's too many things to do, I end up not doing some to avoid the anxiety that comes with it, which makes me feel like a failure. I also procrastinate because of the anxiety I get from stuff, and I just feel like a terrible letdown.
I feel like I'm growing away from all my friends. When I quit my job at the grocery store in my hometown so I could move out, I felt like I lost half of my friends because that was the one place that could usually make me smile because the people there are just so odd and quirky that they always had me laughing even when it was a terrible day.
-My one friend that transferred to a different school this year is finally overcoming shyness and branching out. While I'm happy for her, I also feel sad because she has so many new friends and I don't really have anything to offer to her anymore because I am so depressed and not like myself. And to make matters worse, I really screwed up because when I was most depressed, I stopped answering her phone calls and text messages because I didn't want to talk. So I screwed it all up, even though I did apologize and explain what was going on.
-My friend from school, the ex-roommate, ended up moving out of the apartment we shared as well because of the other girl. She ended up with two fantastic roommates, and I'm relieved she found something because I found out after I moved out that she was very depressed and unhappy with life. She's finally feeling better, has a new boyfriend, and is more positive, and I'm so glad I was able to be there to overcome her funk and that she is now doing better. She and her roommates are very close, a good thing for her, but she's always wanting to bring them along when we hang out. I get along well with her two roommates, but in a group of three, I always seem to be the outsider. Because I'm not feeling up to par, I feel like being me is 'forced,' which is probably part of the problem. But it's like I always screw up and I'm always the person this friend gets mad at, but with her roommates, they can have the same mistakes and she's just fine. When we were making pancakes the other day, I made the pancake batter lumpy, like my mom told me how to. They didn't have a griddle and we decided to use a pan on the stovetop. My friend got frustrated because I didn't beat the batter enough and it was lumpy and that I didn't pour the batter quite right. I tried to tell her that the batter was supposed to be lumpy, and she told me, "Umm...no, it's not." So Bisquik shouldn't be I found out, but my mom's scratch recipe is. Well, her roommate burnt the bacon, and she just laughed. They're always making references to movies and laughing about it, but I don't really watch many movies, so I don't follow. But my jokes aren't funny, especially in the presence of her roommates. I feel like I must have something wrong with me to have this problem.
- I'm failing two of my classes, and it's probably too late to turn it all around. It's so hard for me to concentrate and sit still in class and listen to stuff that isn't exactly appealing. I feel like I can never buckle down and study or do homework because I get anxious about it or can't focus. Besides that, I write for the school paper, and I've had numerous things go wrong with all of that, and it just causes me a bunch of stress, but I need the experience for a resume.
-And in all, I'm too scared to move out right now. I feel like I'm stable as long as I don't have any major stressors, but I don't feel up to dealing with any capably. It's not about my parents, it's about the home itself and having all of my pets here to comfort me.
I just feel like an utter failure because I know I should be doing all of these things, but I can't make myself do them. It's so frustrating. I'm 20 and can't even move out, I'm late with homework and sometimes skip class, I put stuff off, I break down easily, I'm never happy, and I don't even know who I am, just who I was. I look forward to nothing and do not feel anything but indifference toward any part of my life. I know I shouldn't feel this way, and I know I should push myself, but I don't know how. I'm afraid my life might be like this forever. I don't even know where to start building back a foundation. And I feel bad because there's many people worse off than I am, yet I feel joyous about nothing. I feel like my personality is very flawed and that I really have nothing to offer.
I just could use some encouragement and wise words right now. I know from previous experiences that people tend to get harsh towards these types of posts for whatever reason. I just want to say that I've already beaten myself up enough about all of this and feel like I am just a bad person, and I am really bad about taking criticism and tend to feel personally attacked, another thing that I need to get over but haven't. So please, take it easy. I just thought some people on here might have similar experiences or out of the box ideas.