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Feeling Hopeless

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        11-28-2013, 03:03 AM
      #41
    Yearling
    Corazon- I wish you luck. Anxiety and depression are very difficult to deal with.

    Mental illness runs in my family. My grandfather was schizophrenic. Anything to do with mental health is kept hush-hush in my family. I had OCD as a child. I believe my parents must have known about it... It presented at a young age. I didn't even know what it was until one of my health classes covered it in school. I remember staring at the book and thinking "this is me". I never did get treatment until I went to college and they offered free mental health services.

    When I eventually told my mom I was on antidepressants she did not take it well. I really think she needs anxiety medication as well, but she will never admit it.

    Most of my high school and college years were a nightmare. I met this guy who seemed so perfect, turned out he had borderline personality disorder and was suicidal. He could be the sweetest person you had ever met, and in an instant change to someone else. I wanted out very badly, but he would threaten to kill himself, and with my anxiety issues I was too afraid to leave. I thought if he killed himself it would be my fault. We got in an argument in the car one day and he pulled it into oncoming traffic. I don't know how we didn't get hit. At the time I dismissed it as an accident, looking back, I think he was trying to kill us. The day after, he would always bring me flowers, presents or something and be as sweet as can be. I think I was in denial about how bad things were. I look back and I have no idea why I stayed as I was miserable the entire time we were together.

    He bailed as soon as I was diagnosed with a severe chronic illness. I was suicidal, depressed. Ended up in the hospital after taking painkillers and antidepressants both of which my doctor had prescribed (I had a severe adverse reaction, not an overdose). It was at that point I decided I wanted to live again, after I terrified my parents who found me not breathing and having seizures. Nothing like the fear of death to make your re-evaluate your life!

    I am happy to say I have greatly improved as far as the anxiety/OCD. Now it is just the depression that comes with being ill and having chronic pain. I can't say my social life is very good - something I would like to improve on, but with being ill it almost seems like too much work! Really- I am so exhausted I would rather sleep or snuggle with the cats than go out. My aunt has multiple health issues and is the same way. We've gotten much closer in the past year, as we both have a lot in common. Funny how relationships change as you grow up.

    I have tons of online friends though, joined a support group. Sometime it is just easier to talk to people online.

    I think all these issues you are dealing with are quite normal and should improve with time. I wouldn't worry about moving out. I was talking about this with a friend of mine the other day. About how the only way to move away from home is to get married or find a roommate! She is graduated from college and still living at home, saving money and working full time. Financially it is tough to leave home if you don't want to live pay check to pay check.
         
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        11-28-2013, 03:49 PM
      #42
    Weanling
    Bless you 4horses. I hope for as much relief and comfort as possible.
         
        12-01-2013, 07:27 PM
      #43
    Yearling
    Hey, guys, great responses again!

    I hope everyone had a good Thanksgiving, I know mine was pretty good. My week ended well. I look forward to going back to the store to work again in two and a half weeks - I've had so much fun with my old coworkers pulling pranks on each other and seeing all of my favorite customers.

    Sky - You're right in every single way. There are other quirky, interesting people out there, and I am afraid to let go because I'm afraid I will never find something as good. Really, being a cashier there is a dead-end job. The raises aren't good, it can be hard to get hours, people aren't disciplined as they should be, and the teenagers drive me nuts (she did this, she did that sort of stuff!). I wish I knew how to take the confidence I have there and put it into my life altogether. I KNOW I'm great at my job, without trying to sound egotistical. I know how to run a cash register like no one's business, I'm polite, friendly, and devoted to my customers' needs, I rarely need help with anything (I've learned how to fixed all of my mistakes lol), and other workers come to me with questions before they go to the managers. Oh, and almost all the workers there get along with me. The ones that don't like me are the teenagers that are mad because I get all the hours. I guess I'm just afraid of letting go because of all the friends that I have there. I won't defriend them or anything obviously, but I'm afraid of losing them, as weird as that sounds. Most of them aren't even my age lol, but they make me laugh all the time and have the same sense of humor I do.

    How do I go about letting go without bubbling over with depression and anxiety? I'm not going to lie, I've never "gotten over" leaving the store. I cried when I left. Most people from there are glad to be gone. It feels a little weird.

    And once again, I really hope everything works out with you and the boy as friends in the very least. Maybe he'll move to the US and you'll get married lol stranger things have happened...

    Hoiski - I'm glad you clarified that for me, and I am so, so sorry that you had to endure all of that. I suppose in some ways it is better to forget what happened. I guess your brain is trying to protect you. And you're right, mental illness is still not accepted in our society. I know many people wonder why I am driving back and forth to school, which is an hour and a half away, though the closest university I do believe, and Highway 69 goes from my town to Ames, so it's a straight shot. I have to lie to most of them and tell them that there's no room down there because of the influx of students. It's never been true, I'm sure the dorms had room, but I've always been terrified of living with people that I don't know. I like being alone in my own home, and imagining a roommate that I'm not acquainted with gives me complete anxiety, let alone someone I am acquainted with, just because there are certain expectations with house cleaning and such, and I hate explaining my erratic behavior to people. It would be so much easier to say: You know what? I'm suffering with depression and anxiety, and I'm trying to get medical help right now, but at this point in time, I can not properly deal with living on my own. Or maybe I'm just being a baby and need to give myself the boost and suck up the anxiety and depression. I really don't know anymore. :-/

    Aubie: This has been a great discussion, and I'm so glad that people are replying to this thread because it gives me comfort that I'm not alone with mental illness. Thank you for being part of it!

    4horses: First of all, let me say that I'm sorry to hear that you are suffering from a chronic illness and from mental illness. That must be terribly rough, especially when your family does not want to acknowledge mental illness or treatment for it. So many people are like that, but it's worse when it's your own family.

    I know a girl that I went to high school with that sounds very much like your ex-boyfriend. She's made poor decisions when it comes to her relationships, resulting in physical abuse and contracting herpes. I mean, you can't blame her for the physical abuse, but I thought it was crazy when she told me she might go back to the guy just because she wanted to have sex and no one else was available. Anyway, she found this really sweet guy to be with, and I finally thought things would look up for her. He treated her well, and for a while, all was great. But she's got some sort of mental illness for sure, as she will engage in risky behavior even knowing the consequences and then clean herself up, only to find herself depressed and thinking odd thoughts. I feel bad for her, but she refuses to get treatment for herself. She also mistreats her boyfriend and is very controlling when it comes to him. She gets angry over small things and is quick to take terrible revenge. Every time he wants to dump her though, she threatens to kill herself. And he knows she would. Of course, no matter how much he wants out of the relationship, he doesn't want her to do that. So he's stuck. What a terrible position it would be to be in.

    I can see facing death giving you a completely new perspective on life. Although I've never come close to death, not at all, I can imagine that it would suddenly make you see all the things you do have, sort of like a reality check. While it is horrible that you had such a bad reaction to your meds, I'm glad you were able to put things in perspective through that experience.

    It is easier to talk to people online sometimes, which is why I'm confiding to everyone here. You don't have to go anywhere, and you get many different opinions, suggestions, tips, and ideas. It's all very helpful usually and reminds you that you are not the only one with that particular dilemma.

    I don't want to live paycheck to paycheck and be stressed over money when I'm already stressed over everything else. I'm scared to death of having a roommate, and in all honestly, driving back and forth costs less than a single apartment and all the expenses I would incur with it. And I would still have to buy gas lol. At the same time, I don't want to be known as the person that is 30 years old and still living in the basement at the parent's house, if you know what I mean. I hope I regain the confidence to try all of this again, but right now, I really just want to stay put.




    School starts back up again tomorrow, and I have to say that I'm feeling pretty anxious about the entire thing. My stress level was so low this week at work, so going back to school feels like a hassle, especially with all the journalism projects I have left. Plus, I know I am going to fail meteorology and public relations, so that isn't helping. I'm trying to keep up in my journalism 201 class, but every assignment feels like I'm getting teeth pulled. I have so much anxiety over setting up an interview, doing the interview, and writing the story. The whole process stresses me out! And then, of course, I put it off so I don't have to deal with the anxiety, but then I do anyway and with more since then I'm running on limited time. I'm afraid of people getting nasty because I'm a news reporter, I'm afraid of asking a stupid question or not asking the right questions during an interview, I'm afraid of using the wrong wording, and I'm afraid that my article is going to somehow have inaccurate information. There's so much pressure on accuracy! I've definitely decided that I am either going to do small town journalism or magazine journalism. I just do not have the heart to change majors AGAIN. Plus, I don't even know what I would change to. I just want to be done with college. I'm tired of doing all this schoolwork, sitting through lectures, and memorizing things that I will never use. I want to learn things that will help me out in life, and I want to get a paycheck. I want to interact with people and change as many lives for the better as possible. I don't want to harass them for the next big story or fight to get the information out first. I just know that I can write, and I do like learning about what other people are doing. I also love public speaking - it's that adrenaline rush! But this interviewing stuff is stressing me out big time. I wish I could quit working for the daily newspaper at college because I don't get paid and it just adds to all of my stress, but I need the experience of writing for something.

    Also, I wanted to add - I've been experiencing blood sugar drops lately, and it's kind of weird. The only other time I've experienced them was when I stopped eating my sophomore year. I haven't stopped eating, but I do find myself skipping supper sometimes just because I am not hungry or do not have the energy to feed myself. In the morning, I eat breakfast and am fine until about 11 a.m., where I suddenly feel dizzy, my hands start shaking, and I start feeling really hot. It's happened between lunch and supper too, but mostly around lunch time. And I always eat breakfast, usually a few bowls of cereal.

    The other thing I am struggling with is major fatigue. I usually get around 8 hours of sleep typically, but I find it so hard to get up in the morning. I could sleep 12 hours if I wanted to, without waking up once. During the day, I find that I'm extremely drowsy. I get tired when I'm driving (but not at night, just during the day) and start drifting off, I get sleepy during class, and I usually take an hour nap or so if I can. Yesterday, I worked 8-4, and I slept at least 8 hours the night before. When I got home, I fell asleep for 2 hours, was awake for 1, and then fell asleep for another 2 then went to bed and slept for my 8 hours. I never feel awake. I'm taking Celexa 20mg and Wellbutrin 150mg right now. Could that be it? I've felt this way for at least a year if not two, and I've been on the Celexa for about that long.
         
        12-01-2013, 08:10 PM
      #44
    Showing
    Quote:
    Originally Posted by Corazon Lock    
    Sky - You're right in every single way. There are other quirky, interesting people out there, and I am afraid to let go because I'm afraid I will never find something as good. Really, being a cashier there is a dead-end job. The raises aren't good, it can be hard to get hours, people aren't disciplined as they should be, and the teenagers drive me nuts (she did this, she did that sort of stuff!). I wish I knew how to take the confidence I have there and put it into my life altogether. I KNOW I'm great at my job, without trying to sound egotistical. I know how to run a cash register like no one's business, I'm polite, friendly, and devoted to my customers' needs, I rarely need help with anything (I've learned how to fixed all of my mistakes lol), and other workers come to me with questions before they go to the managers. Oh, and almost all the workers there get along with me. The ones that don't like me are the teenagers that are mad because I get all the hours. I guess I'm just afraid of letting go because of all the friends that I have there. I won't defriend them or anything obviously, but I'm afraid of losing them, as weird as that sounds. Most of them aren't even my age lol, but they make me laugh all the time and have the same sense of humor I do.

    How do I go about letting go without bubbling over with depression and anxiety? I'm not going to lie, I've never "gotten over" leaving the store. I cried when I left. Most people from there are glad to be gone. It feels a little weird.

    And once again, I really hope everything works out with you and the boy as friends in the very least. Maybe he'll move to the US and you'll get married lol stranger things have happened...



    It is easier to talk to people online sometimes, which is why I'm confiding to everyone here. You don't have to go anywhere, and you get many different opinions, suggestions, tips, and ideas. It's all very helpful usually and reminds you that you are not the only one with that particular dilemma.

    I don't want to live paycheck to paycheck and be stressed over money when I'm already stressed over everything else. I'm scared to death of having a roommate, and in all honestly, driving back and forth costs less than a single apartment and all the expenses I would incur with it. And I would still have to buy gas lol. At the same time, I don't want to be known as the person that is 30 years old and still living in the basement at the parent's house, if you know what I mean. I hope I regain the confidence to try all of this again, but right now, I really just want to stay put.


    School starts back up again tomorrow, and I have to say that I'm feeling pretty anxious about the entire thing. My stress level was so low this week at work, so going back to school feels like a hassle, especially with all the journalism projects I have left. Plus, I know I am going to fail meteorology and public relations, so that isn't helping. I'm trying to keep up in my journalism 201 class, but every assignment feels like I'm getting teeth pulled. I have so much anxiety over setting up an interview, doing the interview, and writing the story. The whole process stresses me out! And then, of course, I put it off so I don't have to deal with the anxiety, but then I do anyway and with more since then I'm running on limited time. I'm afraid of people getting nasty because I'm a news reporter, I'm afraid of asking a stupid question or not asking the right questions during an interview, I'm afraid of using the wrong wording, and I'm afraid that my article is going to somehow have inaccurate information. There's so much pressure on accuracy! I've definitely decided that I am either going to do small town journalism or magazine journalism. I just do not have the heart to change majors AGAIN. Plus, I don't even know what I would change to. I just want to be done with college. I'm tired of doing all this schoolwork, sitting through lectures, and memorizing things that I will never use. I want to learn things that will help me out in life, and I want to get a paycheck. I want to interact with people and change as many lives for the better as possible. I don't want to harass them for the next big story or fight to get the information out first. I just know that I can write, and I do like learning about what other people are doing. I also love public speaking - it's that adrenaline rush! But this interviewing stuff is stressing me out big time. I wish I could quit working for the daily newspaper at college because I don't get paid and it just adds to all of my stress, but I need the experience of writing for something.

    Also, I wanted to add - I've been experiencing blood sugar drops lately, and it's kind of weird. The only other time I've experienced them was when I stopped eating my sophomore year. I haven't stopped eating, but I do find myself skipping supper sometimes just because I am not hungry or do not have the energy to feed myself. In the morning, I eat breakfast and am fine until about 11 a.m., where I suddenly feel dizzy, my hands start shaking, and I start feeling really hot. It's happened between lunch and supper too, but mostly around lunch time. And I always eat breakfast, usually a few bowls of cereal.

    The other thing I am struggling with is major fatigue. I usually get around 8 hours of sleep typically, but I find it so hard to get up in the morning. I could sleep 12 hours if I wanted to, without waking up once. During the day, I find that I'm extremely drowsy. I get tired when I'm driving (but not at night, just during the day) and start drifting off, I get sleepy during class, and I usually take an hour nap or so if I can. Yesterday, I worked 8-4, and I slept at least 8 hours the night before. When I got home, I fell asleep for 2 hours, was awake for 1, and then fell asleep for another 2 then went to bed and slept for my 8 hours. I never feel awake. I'm taking Celexa 20mg and Wellbutrin 150mg right now. Could that be it? I've felt this way for at least a year if not two, and I've been on the Celexa for about that long.
    I feel the stress/anxiety, low blood sugar levels, and drowsiness/fatigue are all connected and perhaps even your medication.

    I find myself a slug when I have nothing to look forward to, or my day is going to be so bleh I don't want to face it.

    Definitely get your diet under control. Maybe snack on some raisins or grapes or something along those lines.

    To tell you the truth, I cried when I left all my previous places of employment too. It's very hard to give up something that makes you so happy, but it's part of life and you will live paycheck to paycheck working at the store so you have to do what's best for you and your future.

    Depression is a darkness, you have to work so hard and have such good support to overcome it. I believe you can, I know you can! It's normal to be sad about change, but try and also be excited.

    It's so easy to slip into a dark corner, feeling like you're captive inside a shoe box. But it's not that way, you have so many options, so many possibilities, so much potential and chance.

    It won't be easy, but you can do it.

    And thank you for the kind words about Lovely Man, means a lot :)
         
        12-01-2013, 08:38 PM
      #45
    Yearling
    Sky - Haha, I like how you call him Lovely Man. It makes me think of some sexy guy on a commercial for great smelling cologne. But, since you are calling him Lovely Man, I have this feeling that you two will still stay connected once you are in the States (and when is that, exactly?), whether it be friends or more.

    I've relieved that someone else gets as attached to jobs as I do. Well, this job in particular. I had another job after it at the Phone Center at Iowa State and well...let's just say that I HATED that job, even though it paid better than the grocery store. Calling people asking them for money is not my thing, and I'll be the first to admit that when they called my house, I pretended to be my dad's wife and was totally bluffing the whole thing. Ex - My daughter is a biology major that I never talk to because she hates me, and I think students should just study and have no fun at college, my husband is in China and wiped out our bank account, I don't think schools should be such money hogs, and TAKE ME OFF YOUR CALLING LIST. I love fooling around with people fishing with money. Haha, off topic. Whoops!

    I have never been good with change, and I'll be the first to admit that.

    Yeah, I need to do something about my diet obviously. I'm wondering if the Celexa is what's making me so drowsy all the time. I kid you not, I could sleep all day and still not be tired. This Wellbutrin is SUPPOSED to energize me more, but it hasn't done a thing, and it's been more than 6 weeks I do believe because I'm seeing my shrink on Thursday.
         
        12-01-2013, 08:39 PM
      #46
    Yearling
    Another double post, but what do you all recommend in regards to my career path and the problem I'm having with my journalism stuff that I posted above? Do you think that the anxiety is just masking the way I feel about journalism, or could it be that I actually dislike it? And how could I find that out?
         
        12-01-2013, 08:56 PM
      #47
    Showing
    Quote:
    Originally Posted by Corazon Lock    
    Sky - Haha, I like how you call him Lovely Man. It makes me think of some sexy guy on a commercial for great smelling cologne. But, since you are calling him Lovely Man, I have this feeling that you two will still stay connected once you are in the States (and when is that, exactly?), whether it be friends or more.

    I've relieved that someone else gets as attached to jobs as I do. Well, this job in particular. I had another job after it at the Phone Center at Iowa State and well...let's just say that I HATED that job, even though it paid better than the grocery store. Calling people asking them for money is not my thing, and I'll be the first to admit that when they called my house, I pretended to be my dad's wife and was totally bluffing the whole thing. Ex - My daughter is a biology major that I never talk to because she hates me, and I think students should just study and have no fun at college, my husband is in China and wiped out our bank account, I don't think schools should be such money hogs, and TAKE ME OFF YOUR CALLING LIST. I love fooling around with people fishing with money. Haha, off topic. Whoops!

    I have never been good with change, and I'll be the first to admit that.

    Yeah, I need to do something about my diet obviously. I'm wondering if the Celexa is what's making me so drowsy all the time. I kid you not, I could sleep all day and still not be tired. This Wellbutrin is SUPPOSED to energize me more, but it hasn't done a thing, and it's been more than 6 weeks I do believe because I'm seeing my shrink on Thursday.
    Have you talked with your doctor about the drowsiness when you take Celexa?

    :) :) :) Well he is a lovely man, and I hope you're right. I have a sinking feeling that things will just kind of drift apart but I'm crossing my fingers that we stay in touch.

    Yeah it's called caring! Really giving your job 100% of your effort and attention. I got kind of screwed over in my previous job, to where I am relieved to leave that position but also sad to leave the other people behind.

    There are definitely tears but I'm saving them all for my 'see you later' to certain individuals, since I'm not a fan of crying so I try my best not to.. but hey it happens. I'm not made of stone!

    ~~

    As for your feelings about the news reporter career and your major.. I believe that deciding a major is very very complex. Sometimes it's not what you imagine it to be, however look at this from an employer's standpoint:

    You are young and obtain a degree that supports Journalism/News Reporting. That's awesome, right there you already have a big step up in terms of being an attractive employee prospect. So working on the paper at school is another plus, and shows that you can multitask and have more on your plate.

    If you like the courses, then continue. If you don't, then just try and get through them.

    But if you find yourself lost, seek out a counselor from school that specializes in helping people figure out majors or plan their careers.

    Follow your gut!
         
        12-01-2013, 09:59 PM
      #48
    Yearling
    I didn't read through all the pages but in the beginning you said you needed to exercise but you didn't like to, and one person suggested taking daily walks instead of going to a gym.
    My suggestion is to find a dog that you could take for walks, often if you have a purpose to do something for something else it's a lot easier then just "going" for a walk.
    If you bought a small/mini dog it wouldn't eat very much nor cost alot for up keep and would give you an excuse to get out of things (i.e can't go here or there because my dog needs to be fed, walked etc.). If you think about getting one, check out books/dvds/youtubes of Cesar Millan, not only is he a good dog psychologist but he teaches oneself to have a purpose and to be a leader, a great confidence builder.

    Anyway I thought I'd throw in my 2cents
         
        12-01-2013, 10:15 PM
      #49
    Weanling
    Glad for another post from you. First I would second checking on the blood sugar part. Could not only effect the way you feel but also may have an effect on your meds. I don't really have a whole lot of career advice but you seem to have have a real gift/love of small town life/people. Weither that's writing about it or running a newspaper or what, you would be good at it. I am also glad you really feel support here and that its helping you. I would also like to add how much something that does not seem like a big deal, means so much. You talk about your job at the store. My dad is a cancer survivor. When he was out of hospital, but still taking medicine I started going to a close by grocery store with him. It mainly was to get him out, walking around the store was about all he could handle. A lot of the people got to know him, talk to him, ask how he was doing. It meant, andstill does, the world to him. You never know how much the things you do mean to others. I am sure there are customers there that feel the same way about you.
         
        12-01-2013, 11:53 PM
      #50
    Yearling
    Sky - Well, despite your ominous feelings, I do wish you the best with him! I can't say I know what it's like to be in love or to even have a good guy friend really. I'm sure I've mentioned this on different threads, but I seem to attract a lot of stalkers...and they can't handle the "just friends" part. Everyone who knows me well know that I attract those types of guys and no others haha. It's okay though. I wouldn't want to get romantically involved when I'm this confused about myself. I don't want to take anyone for granted like I did my high school boyfriend (who turned out to be a real jerk in the end anyway). So, I hope for the best, but no advice from me!

    When I first started Celexa, I did mention the drowsiness, and the psychiatrist's idea was to switch me to another medicine. I don't know why you have to do so much schooling to be a psychiatrist really - if one medicine doesn't work, he just tries another, and another. It isn't rocket science. Anyway, he prescribed me Prozac, but I had already made at least 3 changes to my meds anyway, and I was tired of making so many changes, so I just kept on going with the Celexa. And by the summer, I was feeling great. But still had the drowsiness. Even when I was at my best, I still was sleepy all the time. I suppose it's time to talk to him about that again, though. For a psychiatrist, he isn't very good at communicating at all...funny how I leave his office feeling worse about myself...

    I also hate crying, at least in front of people. So much.

    I can at least sit through learning about journalism, which is more than I can say about most other classes lol. I'm halfway through the major and don't really want to switch. I'm hoping that even if I don't want to be a journalist that the degree will still be helpful.

    EmilyJoy - Funny you should say that, as when I lived in the apartment, I did get a small dog for that very reason - Mylie, the Pug/Terrier mix. But now that I live back at home and on a farm, the dogs get to roam the big acreage, not needing a walk. And when I go walking on the gravel roads, the dogs don't listen and go to other houses, like tonight when they went to this guy's house that really likes me at the end of the road - and I really don't like him! However, I do feel like riding makes things better, and hopping on my horse bareback might be good exercise as well? Sigh...motivation, motivation.

    Aubie - Yep, back on the posting train lol. These past few months I have really come to appreciate the small town/country life and really knowing your community. In Ames, the college is so big that you don't know everybody, and while that has its advantages, I feel like it's not quite as "attached" as a small community. Whatever it is, I want to do something to help the greater good.

    I'm glad to hear that your dad was able to beat cancer and find friends in the grocery store. He sounds just like someone I would hit it off with spectacularly. I am fortunate to have many customers that look forward to seeing me and that have missed me since I've left. I love knowing that I make their day that much more special by just smiling at them and talking to them as I check out their groceries. I barely have angry customers, and I pride myself on that by being helpful, considerate, down-to-earth, and happy.

    Every single reply helps. It's good to just talk all this out and know that someone is "listening."
         

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