Hey, guys, great responses again!
I hope everyone had a good Thanksgiving, I know mine was pretty good. My week ended well. I look forward to going back to the store to work again in two and a half weeks - I've had so much fun with my old coworkers pulling pranks on each other and seeing all of my favorite customers.
Sky - You're right in every single way. There are other quirky, interesting people out there, and I am afraid to let go because I'm afraid I will never find something as good. Really, being a cashier there is a dead-end job. The raises aren't good, it can be hard to get hours, people aren't disciplined as they should be, and the teenagers drive me nuts (she did this, she did that sort of stuff!). I wish I knew how to take the confidence I have there and put it into my life altogether. I KNOW I'm great at my job, without trying to sound egotistical. I know how to run a cash register like no one's business, I'm polite, friendly, and devoted to my customers' needs, I rarely need help with anything (I've learned how to fixed all of my mistakes lol), and other workers come to me with questions before they go to the managers. Oh, and almost all the workers there get along with me. The ones that don't like me are the teenagers that are mad because I get all the hours. I guess I'm just afraid of letting go because of all the friends that I have there. I won't defriend them or anything obviously, but I'm afraid of losing them, as weird as that sounds. Most of them aren't even my age lol, but they make me laugh all the time and have the same sense of humor I do.
How do I go about letting go without bubbling over with depression and anxiety? I'm not going to lie, I've never "gotten over" leaving the store. I cried when I left. Most people from there are glad to be gone. It feels a little weird.
And once again, I really hope everything works out with you and the boy as friends in the very least. Maybe he'll move to the US and you'll get married lol stranger things have happened...
Hoiski - I'm glad you clarified that for me, and I am so, so sorry that you had to endure all of that. I suppose in some ways it is better to forget what happened. I guess your brain is trying to protect you. And you're right, mental illness is still not accepted in our society. I know many people wonder why I am driving back and forth to school, which is an hour and a half away, though the closest university I do believe, and Highway 69 goes from my town to Ames, so it's a straight shot. I have to lie to most of them and tell them that there's no room down there because of the influx of students. It's never been true, I'm sure the dorms had room, but I've always been terrified of living with people that I don't know. I like being alone in my own home, and imagining a roommate that I'm not acquainted with gives me complete anxiety, let alone someone I am acquainted with, just because there are certain expectations with house cleaning and such, and I hate explaining my erratic behavior to people. It would be so much easier to say: You know what? I'm suffering with depression and anxiety, and I'm trying to get medical help right now, but at this point in time, I can not properly deal with living on my own. Or maybe I'm just being a baby and need to give myself the boost and suck up the anxiety and depression. I really don't know anymore. :-/
Aubie: This has been a great discussion, and I'm so glad that people are replying to this thread because it gives me comfort that I'm not alone with mental illness. Thank you for being part of it!
4horses: First of all, let me say that I'm sorry to hear that you are suffering from a chronic illness and from mental illness. That must be terribly rough, especially when your family does not want to acknowledge mental illness or treatment for it. So many people are like that, but it's worse when it's your own family.
I know a girl that I went to high school with that sounds very much like your ex-boyfriend. She's made poor decisions when it comes to her relationships, resulting in physical abuse and contracting herpes. I mean, you can't blame her for the physical abuse, but I thought it was crazy when she told me she might go back to the guy just because she wanted to have sex and no one else was available. Anyway, she found this really sweet guy to be with, and I finally thought things would look up for her. He treated her well, and for a while, all was great. But she's got some sort of mental illness for sure, as she will engage in risky behavior even knowing the consequences and then clean herself up, only to find herself depressed and thinking odd thoughts. I feel bad for her, but she refuses to get treatment for herself. She also mistreats her boyfriend and is very controlling when it comes to him. She gets angry over small things and is quick to take terrible revenge. Every time he wants to dump her though, she threatens to kill herself. And he knows she would. Of course, no matter how much he wants out of the relationship, he doesn't want her to do that. So he's stuck. What a terrible position it would be to be in.
I can see facing death giving you a completely new perspective on life. Although I've never come close to death, not at all, I can imagine that it would suddenly make you see all the things you do have, sort of like a reality check. While it is horrible that you had such a bad reaction to your meds, I'm glad you were able to put things in perspective through that experience.
It is easier to talk to people online sometimes, which is why I'm confiding to everyone here. You don't have to go anywhere, and you get many different opinions, suggestions, tips, and ideas. It's all very helpful usually and reminds you that you are not the only one with that particular dilemma.
I don't want to live paycheck to paycheck and be stressed over money when I'm already stressed over everything else. I'm scared to death of having a roommate, and in all honestly, driving back and forth costs less than a single apartment and all the expenses I would incur with it. And I would still have to buy gas lol. At the same time, I don't want to be known as the person that is 30 years old and still living in the basement at the parent's house, if you know what I mean. I hope I regain the confidence to try all of this again, but right now, I really just want to stay put.
School starts back up again tomorrow, and I have to say that I'm feeling pretty anxious about the entire thing. My stress level was so low this week at work, so going back to school feels like a hassle, especially with all the journalism projects I have left. Plus, I know I am going to fail meteorology and public relations, so that isn't helping.
I'm trying to keep up in my journalism 201 class, but every assignment feels like I'm getting teeth pulled. I have so much anxiety over setting up an interview, doing the interview, and writing the story. The whole process stresses me out! And then, of course, I put it off so I don't have to deal with the anxiety, but then I do anyway and with more since then I'm running on limited time. I'm afraid of people getting nasty because I'm a news reporter, I'm afraid of asking a stupid question or not asking the right questions during an interview, I'm afraid of using the wrong wording, and I'm afraid that my article is going to somehow have inaccurate information. There's so much pressure on accuracy! I've definitely decided that I am either going to do small town journalism or magazine journalism. I just do not have the heart to change majors AGAIN. Plus, I don't even know what I would change to. I just want to be done with college. I'm tired of doing all this schoolwork, sitting through lectures, and memorizing things that I will never use. I want to learn things that will help me out in life, and I want to get a paycheck. I want to interact with people and change as many lives for the better as possible. I don't want to harass them for the next big story or fight to get the information out first. I just know that I can write, and I do like learning about what other people are doing. I also love public speaking - it's that adrenaline rush! But this interviewing stuff is stressing me out big time. I wish I could quit working for the daily newspaper at college because I don't get paid and it just adds to all of my stress, but I need the experience of writing for something.
Also, I wanted to add - I've been experiencing blood sugar drops lately, and it's kind of weird. The only other time I've experienced them was when I stopped eating my sophomore year. I haven't stopped eating, but I do find myself skipping supper sometimes just because I am not hungry or do not have the energy to feed myself. In the morning, I eat breakfast and am fine until about 11 a.m., where I suddenly feel dizzy, my hands start shaking, and I start feeling really hot. It's happened between lunch and supper too, but mostly around lunch time. And I always eat breakfast, usually a few bowls of cereal.
The other thing I am struggling with is major fatigue. I usually get around 8 hours of sleep typically, but I find it so hard to get up in the morning. I could sleep 12 hours if I wanted to, without waking up once. During the day, I find that I'm extremely drowsy. I get tired when I'm driving (but not at night, just during the day) and start drifting off, I get sleepy during class, and I usually take an hour nap or so if I can. Yesterday, I worked 8-4, and I slept at least 8 hours the night before. When I got home, I fell asleep for 2 hours, was awake for 1, and then fell asleep for another 2 then went to bed and slept for my 8 hours. I never feel awake. I'm taking Celexa 20mg and Wellbutrin 150mg right now. Could that be it? I've felt this way for at least a year if not two, and I've been on the Celexa for about that long.