Grief and how to deal with it...
So I've hummed and harred about posting here, looking for advice on my current predicament.
Late last month, my Father was killed in a car accident. It's all still very raw and hard to deal with. I'm a "young" adult (26) and whilst my parents were separated and I continued to live with my Mum and younger adult brother, we still were very close with him.
I feel a great deal of pressure, as naturally a responsible person, I've held my family together through all the tough times. This however is nothing I've ever experienced before and I'm not sure how to handle it all. My family is all grieving in different ways and I'm helping the best I can... we've picked back up on daily things, such as I've returned to university for my new semester. My brother is now back at work etc.
It's just so difficult to focus at points. I'm a good student, my last semester I got A- on all my papers. However, I'm struggling to be interested. I'm stressing out more easily and don't really "care". My Dad would be really frustrated with me for giving up in a sense... we're both hard workers and I'm so similar to him, that I can feel myself scolding this behaviour as if I were my Dad at points.
I am going to the university counsellor, who has helped in the one session so far, but some days I just don't want to do anything, and following days I end up doing too much. I don't like not having a solid sense of direction, I'm quite particular in having schedules to stick to by nature. The horses thankfully are still my sanctuary and I love being there. To the point I skipped going to uni, just to spend more time with them the other day.
The other issue I have is that I'm slowly wearing thin from all the sympathy. I have experienced a lot of pity in life due to being partially damaged in my right leg and people looking at me struggling and taking pity... I naturally hate that... so its getting harder with situations when it keeps being the center of my life... I understand many are concerned, and I would be for those I care about too... I hope I'm making sense with this.
To top it all off, the day he was killed, he had just helped us shift into our new house, and my cat has gone missing. He's very special to me, and I just feel like "what is next to lose?" ... I've gone over the top in searching for him, flyers, letterbox messages, online adverts etc... but so far nothing. It's really rather getting all too much to deal with and right now as I write this, I feel like just staying in bed and not getting out of it for a long time... as I don't feel ready to face the world.
I know its early days and I'm going to experience many ups and downs... I just want to not lose who I am in amongst this, and be able to continue studying without stuffing up. I have too many expectations on myself, and I guess I'm not allowing myself to just deal with each day. Yet I can't be like my Mum who is constantly crying, or my brother who's really angry at the world. If I fall apart too, I don't know who will keep the wheels rolling so to speak.
This has kind of turned into a vent... if anything, I'm wondering how others have dealt with losing someone so close suddenly and tragically.
♥ Seoul Searchin' for the Lovebug ♥