Grief and how to deal with it... - Page 2 - The Horse Forum
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post #11 of 15 Old 07-20-2012, 08:38 PM
Green Broke
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: south of nowhere, north of nothing
Posts: 4,643
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i am so sorry for your loss. i cant say i know how you feel. ive lost people i love, but everybody grieves differantly.

something that me and my military buddies have talked about before is how hard it is to say its so final.

so this is kind of my philosophy but i dont ever say goodbye. i say ill see you around. im not the most religious person (i dont know if you are and if you arent and this offends you i apologize) but i believe that even though they have died this is not the last time you will see them.
so i know it hurts but i believe that lost loved ones are still around and can still see and feel for you. they wouldnt want you holding back your life because you are sad they are gone. they would want you going out and living life to the fullest. to take charge of every moment, and not to regret missed chances with them.

dont feel that you have to hold yourself together for anybody else. its your right to cry and grieve and rage at the world for the injustice of it. whats the saying "tears are the gateways to the soul?" i think. anyhow crying and grieving will help lead to acceptance and help you move on.

you will see him again. death is not the end.

praying for you here

p.s. praying for your ct and that you can find him soon!
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post #12 of 15 Old 07-20-2012, 10:00 PM
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: OK
Posts: 10,583
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I was always Daddy's girl, and when he died, even though he was old and ready to go I wasn't ready to lose him. It's ok to grieve and it's ok to cry. It's been several years and just reading this and knowing how much you must hurt is making me cry for MY loss all over again. It's ok, I still miss the physical presence of my Dad. Eventually, you will be ok again but it's going to take time. You can't lose someone as important to you as he is/was and not feel that loss and pain for a long time. It's ok to hurt. It's also ok to tell your mom and your brother that they have to make their own lives work a while so that you can get yours working again. If you let your life disintegrate you'll never be able to help them because you'll be so lost yourself. Keep seeing the counselor at school and if it's still bad in another month or tw, maybe get a referral to a medical doctor or psychiatrist who can prescribe an antidepressant for a little while.

Just remember that we can only live one day at a time. Sometimes when it's too hard, we might only live 1 hour, 1 minute or 1 second at a time. Break it down into managable chunks that you can deal with. The more you stick to your normal routine, the sooner everything will truly return to normal.

Hugs! And those aren't pity hugs or condolence hugs, those are just, Life is tuff and we have to suck it up, hugs.

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post #13 of 15 Old 07-20-2012, 10:22 PM
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: Missouri
Posts: 16,846
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The best way to do it is to give yourself time. Be thankful for people caring.. try not to take it the wrong way.

Try not to shut out the world, but do take time to do things on your own. Feel free to cry and remember all those you lost in your own beautiful way.

Don't let it suffocate you though. Remember what's important and hold onto that. Don't let your grades slip because it will really negatively impact your life and worsen how you feel IMOP. Don't aim for being a studying freak but still it gives your mind something to do.

Hope I've helped. Lots of hugs

"Strength is the ability to use a muscle without tension"
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post #14 of 15 Old 07-21-2012, 04:13 AM Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: New Zealand
Posts: 1,292
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Thanks everyone for your kind words... I will try to clarify things a little... Last night was a low - I rung his mobile number to hear his voice and then was pretty much struggling with thoughts and it came out in a big jumbled mess last night... so I hope to fix that now :)

I am already seeing the university counsellor. He is amazingly helpful and has helped with my return to studies. I mentioned last night I have moments where I just want to sit alone, but most days I'm able to get up and smile and look at the world as a place to continue the hard working nature my father passed onto me. I don't really feel like "giving up"... again I think that was just the emotions in me last night. If anything I want to continue my good grades from last semester into this one... it's just really difficult to focus at present. I hope that eases as the days pass by.

I am already in a routine and go to uni, horses, gym and go around the house doing chores. Some days I do less, but mostly I'm active and very little time is spent alone... its those moments just before falling asleep that are the hardest... though seeing things out and about that remind me of him set off a whirlwind of thoughts and that's not the easiest either. Rather than turning for home though, I've always completed the tasks at hand.

I don't drink, so I can't do that one hehe.

My Nana actually was someone I lost contact with and only saw a couple of times during the year... since Dad's passing on, my family and I have started visiting her every Sunday. It's really nice.

Schooling over here is much different than the states.. almost everyone who studies is on a GOVT loan system and it comes out of our paycheck when we get a job. So technically its myself paying for my schooling and I do plan to continue on. I actually received a letter today from the Classics department encouraging me after finishing my degree next year in the first semester, to think of becoming an honours student. That was a good motivator.

Thank you HorsePoor & tinyliny for your stories... they are quite relatable. And comforting.

My Mother has always been like this... She has made it difficult to grieve around her... so I have kept it to myself... I have found it easier to grieve with my Father's partner (odd and complicated situation haha) which has made tension with my Mother and myself. I love her to bits and we've spoken about it and so she's trying to correct that... time shall be its biggest healer. She's seeking professional help too... which I think will make life easier also.

I am thankful that people care, its just easier not to have to stop and answer about it... my day is going well, suddenly someones asking me how I am and bringing it up ... then the tears threaten to fall and I have to try and push all that aside and continue... its tough... and I'm not blaming anyone, it's just something I have to endure and see in a positive light.

Thanks again everyone... it's hard because he helped us move... took time off work just to come out and I'm thankful the last thing I got to see was his goofy grin... before he was killed. I do have anger, though its towards the other driver/situation of his death... at the same time I feel bad because it happened due to him falling asleep behind the wheel and plowing through my Dad... at open country road speed so it was high impact. All he got was a concussion... and due to his age, might not be getting charged for killing him. It's the situation that really sucks and hard to deal with ... my Dad wouldn't have died if he hadn't of fallen asleep, but he now has to live with that on his conscious too. I dunno that's the hardest part to deal with... because it seems to be an issue with Dad's loved ones, understandably. But rationally, I know if the old man could change it, he'd make sure he never fell asleep... but who knows, it could have been Dad's time to go...

Rambling again... I hope I don't come across as cold... I'm a little detached in thinking of late.

Thank you all again for allowing me an outlet to express myself.

Seoul Searchin' for the Lovebug
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post #15 of 15 Old 07-21-2012, 10:29 AM
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Somewhere in WA
Posts: 1,222
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I have lost a lot of family over the years, but when 2 of my friends both committed suicide within a month of eachother....THAT hit me hard.

I am the type of person who doesn't really cry....ya I shed a few tears but then I just shove all my feelings down and try to be strong. Well this time was very hard and I did get depressed and didn't want to do anything. But what got me through was having a friend that I could talk to. And when she told me we need to talk......I broke down and got all my feelings off my chest and just let all the emotions I had been feeling come out.

Trying to be the "strong and tough" one can take a large amount on your body. So you need to have somebody that you can talk to and just let everything out. Ya you may cry in the night...but it is when you break down and just let all the things you have been holding in, your thoughts, and emotions out you can sorta start moving on in the grieving process.

Stay positive :)
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