07-21-2012, 04:13 AM
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Thanks everyone for your kind words... I will try to clarify things a little... Last night was a low - I rung his mobile number to hear his voice and then was pretty much struggling with thoughts and it came out in a big jumbled mess last night... so I hope to fix that now :)
I am already seeing the university counsellor. He is amazingly helpful and has helped with my return to studies. I mentioned last night I have moments where I just want to sit alone, but most days I'm able to get up and smile and look at the world as a place to continue the hard working nature my father passed onto me. I don't really feel like "giving up"... again I think that was just the emotions in me last night. If anything I want to continue my good grades from last semester into this one... it's just really difficult to focus at present. I hope that eases as the days pass by.
I am already in a routine and go to uni, horses, gym and go around the house doing chores. Some days I do less, but mostly I'm active and very little time is spent alone... its those moments just before falling asleep that are the hardest... though seeing things out and about that remind me of him set off a whirlwind of thoughts and that's not the easiest either. Rather than turning for home though, I've always completed the tasks at hand.
I don't drink, so I can't do that one hehe.
My Nana actually was someone I lost contact with and only saw a couple of times during the year... since Dad's passing on, my family and I have started visiting her every Sunday. It's really nice.
Schooling over here is much different than the states.. almost everyone who studies is on a GOVT loan system and it comes out of our paycheck when we get a job. So technically its myself paying for my schooling and I do plan to continue on. I actually received a letter today from the Classics department encouraging me after finishing my degree next year in the first semester, to think of becoming an honours student. That was a good motivator.
Thank you HorsePoor & tinyliny for your stories... they are quite relatable. And comforting.
My Mother has always been like this... She has made it difficult to grieve around her... so I have kept it to myself... I have found it easier to grieve with my Father's partner (odd and complicated situation haha) which has made tension with my Mother and myself. I love her to bits and we've spoken about it and so she's trying to correct that... time shall be its biggest healer. She's seeking professional help too... which I think will make life easier also.
I am thankful that people care, its just easier not to have to stop and answer about it... my day is going well, suddenly someones asking me how I am and bringing it up ... then the tears threaten to fall and I have to try and push all that aside and continue... its tough... and I'm not blaming anyone, it's just something I have to endure and see in a positive light.
Thanks again everyone... it's hard because he helped us move... took time off work just to come out and I'm thankful the last thing I got to see was his goofy grin... before he was killed. I do have anger, though its towards the other driver/situation of his death... at the same time I feel bad because it happened due to him falling asleep behind the wheel and plowing through my Dad... at open country road speed so it was high impact. All he got was a concussion... and due to his age, might not be getting charged for killing him. It's the situation that really sucks and hard to deal with ... my Dad wouldn't have died if he hadn't of fallen asleep, but he now has to live with that on his conscious too. I dunno that's the hardest part to deal with... because it seems to be an issue with Dad's loved ones, understandably. But rationally, I know if the old man could change it, he'd make sure he never fell asleep... but who knows, it could have been Dad's time to go...
Rambling again... I hope I don't come across as cold... I'm a little detached in thinking of late.
Thank you all again for allowing me an outlet to express myself.