Something that me and my military buddies have talked about before is how hard it is to say goodbye...like its so final.
So this is kind of my philosophy but I don't ever say goodbye. I say ill see you around. Im not the most religious person (i don't know if you are and if you arent and this offends you I apologize) but I believe that even though they have died this is not the last time you will see them.
So I know it hurts but I believe that lost loved ones are still around and can still see and feel for you. They wouldnt want you holding back your life because you are sad they are gone. They would want you going out and living life to the fullest. To take charge of every moment, and not to regret missed chances with them.
Don't feel that you have to hold yourself together for anybody else. Its your right to cry and grieve and rage at the world for the injustice of it. Whats the saying "tears are the gateways to the soul?" I think. Anyhow crying and grieving will help lead to acceptance and help you move on.
You will see him again. Death is not the end.
Praying for you here
P.s. Praying for your ct and that you can find him soon!