I know everyone is so tired from hearing from me on this forum because, I'm like posting every other day or whatever but, honestly this thread I just can't hold back and trust me I tried but, I need to vent.
Today is the passing of my grandfathers passing. He passed away on 5.18.09 and it's now 2 years (i believe) that he's gone. I know my family has a whole different way of dealing it than I do but, I am going absolutely insane right now. Everyone else in my immediate family got to say good bye to him and I never got to.
I don't even know what I'm looking for out of this thread. Not looking for anything really just kind of need to vent. I barely even wanted to be a part of the funeral when we had his wake and the burial, while everyone was upstairs by his casket, I was down stairs crying and bawling my eyes out. I didn't even want to go to his burial but, I was forced to go and I was the only one that had to walk away while they folded up the flag and stuff because, I wasn't in the right mind to deal with it.
Well now, I feel like it's too late too even say that I'm sorry to him because, I feel like I disrespected him in a way. I don't even believe in god anymore, like we used to (i don't want this to turn into a religious debate). My grandfather used to be an usher in the church and we used to go every Sunday morning to church. I don't believe in god, I really don't and I don't care. This is my theory on it, if anyone cares.
If there is a god, than why does he take even the best of people away? Seriously though, he had a good life and that makes me happy. He was 86 when he passed away. I'm not even sure about that because, if I try to keep track it'll just make me more depressed. He was an FBI agent when he was younger and he was a loving father, loving grandfather and devoted husband, he was so nice to EVERYONE, even if he didn't like you he would never show it.
It's still really hard on me and I still cry every year on this date... Is that normal to experience this? Especially this bad at this point in time?
I try to think about the best times me and him had together when I was younger and it kind of makes it feel better but, the fact that I didn't actually have the "time" to say good bye makes it worse.
Okay, I'm done now.. Sorry again everyone..