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Help with anxiety, depressed feelings

1K views 12 replies 9 participants last post by  Missy May 
#1 ·
I realize no one here is a professional, but I'd still like some starting advice.

Let me start off by saying I have social anxiety. Most social situations are very difficult for me, and it has prevented me from doing a lot of things in life. But between horses and music I've managed to keep myself pretty happy.

However, it's getting harder to cope through college. I have a scholarship where I have to keep a 3.2 GPA. I've just declared a major so until now I've been taking basic courses which have bored the heck out of me. In general I don't try very hard unless something really interests me, then you can't tear me away. Even though I've always done well in school I never really put forth much effort, except in classes I enjoyed. I've always hated school work, homework, sitting through lectures, etc. Regarding homework, I usually can't focus well and if I don't find the topic remotely interesting I get distracted. I'm a terrible procrastinator and always say that if I was in a room with nothing but myself and my homework I would still find ways to avoid doing it. I don't want to be this way, I really wish I could get into it and try, but mentally I just go nuts.

I'm also having to deal with people more and do more on my own, and it's hard with my anxiety. My mom doesn't really understand because she's very outgoing and I live in my head. I'm constantly comparing myself to others and often feel like I don't live up to my friends and family's expectations.

The things that I do that I'm proud of-accomplish something with my horse, learn a new song on piano, run a longer distance-make me feel absolutely awesome but then later, like now, I sit back and realize that in the grand scheme of things none of that really matters. Everyone around me mainly focuses on how we (sister and I) do school and college-wise. There's so much more that I do and love that I can't even express or that no one cares about. I work my butt off for that stuff.

Between hating school work, anxiety, and pressures from those around me I just feel so overwhelmed. I find myself crying and feeling broken down quite often. My mom talks to me some but it doesn't really help. I've got so much built up inside that I have no clue how to get it all out.

This post may sound all over the place but that's how it is in real life. I can't pinpoint any one thing that's wrong or any one way I feel. I guess all in all I feel overwhelmed, sad, and angry at myself for being this way, and I honestly have no idea what to do anymore.
 
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#2 ·
You sound exactly like myself. To a T.

I'm in my mid 20s now, and dropped out of highschool. I officially dropped out during what should have been my grade 11 year, but didn't pass any classes past my grade 9 year. I honestly just had zero interest, I got bored. After that I worked at my families farm, as well as working at different barns and riding horses for others. I'm now in cosmetology school, and slowly building up my photography business, and still own two horses.

So, it's great that you are in university - I honestly really have no idea how all the classes work, or how majors work. Once you've picked a major, does that mean that you get to chose the classes you are taking to some extent? If so, hopefully that will help with maintaining GPA if you are interested in the courses?

I think in situations like this where happiness and stress/anxiety are involved, it's most important to make sure you are happy. Those things DO matter overall - if horses make you happy, do that. If music makes you happy, do that too.

Also, something I haven't tried, and keep wishing I would, is talking to a therapist. My sister has very bad anxiety and is on medication for it, she sees a therapist a couple times per week and it seems to really have helped her. She's recommended it to me in the past, and I know I should, and I just haven't. From what I have heard, most universities offer a therapist for registered students. Maybe try looking into that. =)
 
#3 ·
You both sound like myself as well (even down to the photography big Beverly - though I'm far from going pro) - I've been through that independent learning and falling apart stress twice now. It is indeed a special kind of nightmare when you know the work can be done, should be done and that you most certainly can do it and yet you don't. Procrastination, hiding in hobbies, hiding in new pursuits, its all very doable.

This is especially the case of you're a more private person and oft used to working out your own solutions to things. I've found that in situations like this you generally can't find the answer yourself. That is, in itself, part of the problem which gets you into a cycle of thinking that, I've found, paralyses you quite quickly and also builds on itself and feeds itself.


You've taken a big step in talking about this openly, even if online and only in part to your mother. It's a big thing to admit to others (and admitting to others is also part of admitting things to ourselves). I can also greatly sympathise with the fact that most people can't understand it either; they see the outside which is someone with skill, confidence, ability and time who should; in normal situations, have no problems. For those without experience or training it can be hard for them to understand and provide the needed support.


SO First step. Go talk to your tutor. Or to a staff member you trust/like/get on well with etc...
Independent learning institutions tend to be more flexible and offer support, but you've got to ask for it (esp as they might not even notice you've got a problem till the grade all come through). I would also strongly advise that you ensure you get support through them - don't just accept leaflets for local self-help groups or therapists.
It's all too easy to accept paper and promise to act; and they'll believe you and you'll believe you (because in that moment you are likely going to be very sincere and even desire to start making a change); but its all to easy for that procrastination to rise up and you end up doing it in the "tomorrow" that never comes (been there - done that too!).

Get the support through your college, I find that it puts a little pressure on one to attend and also means that, whilst any therapy/support won't be openly talked about, they will be able to at least know you're attending (and if you're not). A therapist or other support gained this way is short term; that is to say its there whilst you're learning, however it can be an ideal motivation and avenue down which you can consider and approach such support outside of such an environment.

They also won't tell your parents unless you want them to. So any therapy you get will be personal between you and the therapist alone.

I have personally found that it helps and that therapists etc... are much more aware of the problems and how to start dealing with them. It's just something most people are unaware of how to deal with, nor how to support and since one of the primary symptoms is that you appear lazy many oft feel that just applying more pressure will help; or that you're making a choice to be "lazy". It's not the case that you are lazy and what you have is something that requires very different handling.

They can also help you to start to release some of that built up pressure; those feelings that you're not quite sure how to express. There are also ways to help deal with avoiding such a build up in the first place.


I will also say that therapists come in different flavours; each will have their own methods and ideas. Not every one will suit you; so do take stock and be honest with yourself. There is no crime nor shame in asking for a refferal because its not working, indeed a good therapist who recognises that its not working between you and them might well make the suggestion themselves.



Beverly - I'd also recommend it to you as well. I know you've already got at least one other person saying you should so I'll be another voice to that
 
#4 ·
I had trouble getting through university in the beginning. I was like you I guess, naturally I do well in things with minimal study. I never had to try that hard in school and was never really interested interested in study only doing what I had to to get by. I liked the overall topics but I would get so bogged down in the work that I couldn't focus. I went to about two lectures a semester if they weren't compulsory, and did the bare minimum tutorials, never doing readings, completely studying to assessments. I'd get really stuck with essays though, especially the later years where they were long, in depth and specific. I'd panic and cry and go shopping or whatever to avoid study. I went through weeks where I was convinced that I had lost the ability to read.

In the end what got me through was removing myself from distractions. I'd go down into the basement level of the library where no one was and sit there from 9-5 until my essays were done. If I didn't do my essays I'd just sit there. No internet - I'd download articles and sources somewhere else, or print them out and then just go down there to study. I didn't really have the discipline to force myself to study, but I had the discipline to force myself to stay in a room for hours. I'd go nuts, looking under tables, making things that distracted me, weird noises and breezes. Eventually I'd do it though, and once started after a while I'd hit this manic point where I went crazy on essays.

I'm not good socially, and I really do understand your anxiety problems. I tried to get help while studying but I just got lost in the system.

There are a few things that I have found help with anxiety. Not drinking or smoking, going to be early and getting up at the same time everyday help. Regular healthy meals, reducing sugar and complex carbohydrates - and just routine. Avoiding things that make it worse and doing things on my own terms. Maybe that means organising a one on one meeting somewhere rather than waiting in line, or doing things online. Scheduling time out for myself.

With assessments I make plans and work towards goals rather than time. So I might have "read these three articles and summarise them" as a goal, and then I can go have lunch. Or "write a draft" introduction and work towards achieving these. It takes five minutes to write out these goals but you can achieve an entire essay this way.

Now I've graduated with a good GPA. I've gotten to know myself and I pretty much have my anxiety and depression under control. I know how to recognise things getting bad and what to do to avoid it, I know how to manage myself. Now I've decided to become a social worker - a career I wouldn't have dreamed of 4 years ago, I'd be terrified. But I like challenging myself. And I think I can help. Work with yourself, reflect on yourself because these issues may be with you on and off through your life. Learn how to work with them.
 
#8 ·
Sometimes I consider therapy, but I'm way too scared at this point to really think about going :(
It can seem scary, but the important thing to realise is that they won't ask you anything that you are forced to answer. In fact a part of it is they will just encourage you to talk, sometimes about anything to help you relax.

It's a very informal period of time. I would seriously suggest you go - its a first step but a very good one to make and having professional trained help makes a huge difference. It's a starting point and I would do it now rather than later. Don't think about doing it - don't talk about doing it - go do it :)
 
#6 ·
Your life if what YOU make of it. In the grand scheme of things it's what make YOU proud of YOURSELF. What do YOU want out of life? And what are YOU willing to do to get yourself there. Sometimes it means testing your limits and becoming comfortable in new situations. And don't forget, MOST people feel stressed in the situations your describing. I know I'd be lying if I said school was a breeze and making new friends and meeting new people was a piece of cake!!

What do you find so scary about going? Once you find a good one they are like gold! Because they have an outside prospective they can find avenues you didn't know we're possible. It isn't always easy, and don't be afraid to try a few until you find one who fit you!!
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#7 ·
I've done therapy for family relationship issues and I highly recommend it! I wish you could at least try one session and see how it goes. I'm sure you'd look back and wonder what scared you about it.

I am very shy and introverted,,,not diagnosed , but I suspect I have a mild case of social anxiety also, so I can somewhat emphasize with your situation and certainly see myself in what some of ya'll have posted. Just day before yesterday I was sitting in my vehicle cramming for a test because 1) I'd procrastinated till the last minute, and 2) I just couldnt MAKE myself study at home . Somehow I could do it when I forced myself to sit in the vehicle at SONIC and not leave untill I had studied. Once I got 'in the zone', I was able to go on home and continue studying there. I know, I'm weird. LOL
Also, I've been known to pack up my budget/bills and go have breakfast at Shoneys, then sit there an extra 30 mins or so getting caught up on that when I can't get motivated at home, but only if they have lots of empty tables, ie not a busy time, and I leave a nice tip. LOL.

Fay
 
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#9 ·
Saskia - your post reminded me of something with myself and a good reason to encourage people in similar situations to seek therapy or other professional help. You say you know yourself well and that you've found effective ways to counter your problems and to recognise them as they rise up.

One big part of mine has been trying to identify those and then trying to tackle them - big thing is if you go a long time without any help one gets into habits that are very hard to break (even if logically they make no sense). It's my view that the earlier you can get some guidance then its a lot easier to break habits before they get too engrained and to even avoid developing others as well.
 
#11 ·
You know what I just realized? Nobody ever asks me about the things that I AM proud of. They never ask me about horses (well, they do, but it's always 'how are the horses doing?'), playing guitar or piano, photography...always school and grades. I think that's what bothers me the most.

Tonight my mom said (regarding grades/school work) "Aren't you proud of what you're doing?" and I thought about it for a second and my answer is honestly no. I'm not proud of the imperfect grades I get and my parents get mad about. I'm not proud of my procrastination, my lack of focus, my boredom with most of the subjects...they wonder why I don't want to talk about it and it's because I don't really even like it. Do I like the idea of getting knowledge to be ready for a career that I love? Yes. Homework, studying, numbers and letters that pretty much define who you are as a person? No. And it's all I ever get asked about.
 
#13 ·
There will most likely always be things you will be required to do that you don't/won't necessarily enjoy doing. How well you do them is entirely up to you.

How often have you expressed great interest in someone else's interests which you actually care nothing about? Find people with similar interests and you may experience more sincerity, more enthusiasm from others.
 
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