Help With my Essay
 
 

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Help With my Essay

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  • Thesis statement for wild horses
  • Wild mustang essays

 
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    01-13-2011, 12:56 AM
  #1
Yearling
Exclamation Help With my Essay

So, I really really hate writing argumentative essays. And I am taking College Composition 2 in college right now and that is what the entire freaken class is about. YAY...not. So the first essay we are supposed to write is on any topic and its just a plain argumentative essay where we argue the point on the subject. At first I decided that I wanted to do Mustangs, Should They be Captured or Not? Which I am against, unless they are hurt or for some reason can't make it in the wild. So I couldn't really think of a way to make my point on that because I am too diversified on the subject so I peeled back a layer on it and I think I'm going to do if adopting them out is extinguishing the Mustang breed. So here is my first paragraph.
In the western part of the United States, there is a wild animal. Such beauty and perfection in the wild is almost unheard of, but it does still exist. Hundreds of years and many many challenges these wild beauties have survived. These beauties are known as Mustangs. They are one of the only wild horse breeds left in this whole world. Every year there are hundreds of Mustangs that are ripped from their environment and sold at government auctions. Slowly the Mustang breed is becoming less wild and pure, it is being torn from its roots and sold off piece by piece. How is it right to tear something away and sell it? It's like selling pieces of America itself.

So I posted it at school to get critiques (I got online) and my teacher posted. First she yelled at me because it was supposed to be the whole essay on there, which I clearly stated that I knew it wasn't the whole essay when I posted it. Then she said that there was no thesis statement, which I thought my thesis was, "Slowly the Mustang breed is becoming less wild and pure, it is being torn from its roots and sold off piece by piece." Am I wrong? I'm not very good at thesis statement. But anyways. I have to get this whole thing written by tomorrow with two pages on it and right now I'm horribly stuck with the feedback she left me. She is really awful too, worst teacher I have had so far. I asked her if there was any research needed for it and what the format needed to me, like MLA, and she wrote back and said look at the syllabus, so I did, and there was nothing on there. Other kids posted other questions and that's all she says and there is nothing in there about any of the questions we asked. Grrrr. So PLEASE help really stuck and with a teacher that can't help!
     
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    01-13-2011, 10:56 AM
  #2
Yearling
Anyone? I have to get this in like today.
     
    01-13-2011, 11:03 AM
  #3
Showing
Sorry, but your whole premise is wrong. Unless of course, that's what you're going for; being deliberately wrong and argumentative.

Mustangs aren't 'pure', or even wild in the actual sense. They're feral horses, most of whom go back to animals that were either discarded or escaped from ranches and the U.S. Army.

Those 'wild' animals you see out on the plains have very domestic roots, and most of them are from bloodlines developed in the 1940s through 1960s.

There are a very minute number who actually go back to horses that were lost by the Conquistadors, but they're extremely rare. But again, those animals were originally domestic stock, not wild animals. The only true wild horse left in the world is Przewalki's Horse.

Your college thesis needs to be less broad and more specific. You should have started researching and writing it when you got the assignment, not waited until 2 days before it was due.
     
    01-13-2011, 11:22 AM
  #4
Green Broke
[QUOTE=Gizmo;887920]
In the western part of the United States, there is a wild animal. Such beauty and perfection in the wild is almost unheard of, but it does still exist. Hundreds of years and many many challenges these wild beauties have survived. These beauties are known as Mustangs. They are one of the only wild horse breeds left in this whole world. Every year there are hundreds of Mustangs that are ripped from their environment and sold at government auctions. Slowly the Mustang breed is becoming less wild and pure, it is being torn from its roots and sold off piece by piece. How is it right to tear something away and sell it? It's like selling pieces of America itself.

[QUOTE]

OK, this is a persuasive piece I take it? At college level?

My first critique is purely writing style; this paragraph is very disjointed, each sentence should flow into the next. Yours sounds like a lot of individual points listed in paragraph format, try to make it enjoyable to read! I am assuming that college composition means that writing style will be important and as such, you will be deducted grades for an essay that seems fragmented.

Secondly, even if this is a persuasive piece you are appealing to the readers emotions too much without appealing to logic or carefully selected facts. Sure persuasive pieces are designed to persuade however the best pieces written are those that use factual arguments cleverly worded so that the reader arrives at the same conclusion as the writer. Writing a piece that is only emotionally charged without additional information will succeed in persuading the extremists who only read what the want to read anyway. My point is, to appeal to the masses you must intelligently select your information and present it in a way that is appealing to even those opposed to your main idea, sounds crafty hey? Ask a politician or a lawyer they know all about it.

Now, that doesn't mean that YOUR conclusion is correct, however a well written argumentative piece doesn't rely on being correct as such, right? You should be able to take either side to an argument and write a persuasive piece based on the evidence at hand.

So if you can write this essay in a manner that makes even SpeedRacer acknowledge that there are two sides to the argument (even if she doesn't necessarily agree) then you have done a good job.

Good luck!
     
    01-13-2011, 11:35 AM
  #5
Green Broke
Quote:
Originally Posted by Gizmo    
So I posted it at school to get critiques (I got online) and my teacher posted. First she yelled at me because it was supposed to be the whole essay on there, which I clearly stated that I knew it wasn't the whole essay when I posted it. Then she said that there was no thesis statement, which I thought my thesis was, "Slowly the Mustang breed is becoming less wild and pure, it is being torn from its roots and sold off piece by piece." Am I wrong? I'm not very good at thesis statement. But anyways. I have to get this whole thing written by tomorrow with two pages on it and right now I'm horribly stuck with the feedback she left me. She is really awful too, worst teacher I have had so far. I asked her if there was any research needed for it and what the format needed to me, like MLA, and she wrote back and said look at the syllabus, so I did, and there was nothing on there. Other kids posted other questions and that's all she says and there is nothing in there about any of the questions we asked. Grrrr. So PLEASE help really stuck and with a teacher that can't help!
Couple more things just in regards to having a successful college career - you will have teachers that you like and those that you hate and everything in between. Regardless of your preference they control you for the six months that you are in their classroom so make the most of it!

I used to teach undergraduate Biochemistry to Science students in their final year of study and some hated me and some loved me. Hugely dependant on grades - students that get good grades love their teacher, those that fail hate you. The ones that showed the greatest improvement (i.e. Not necessarily the straight A types, but those who improved their grade from a D to a B for example) were those that would come and see me when they ran into trouble, AHEAD OF TIME! I refused to schedule appointments last minute and was insulted when a student expected me to do so.

My advice is to go and see your teacher if you are confused, unsure or need further clarification. Don't just show up but make an appointment and go there with an open mind and ready to listen to what they have to say. Make a concious effort to achieve and your teacher will almost certainly make a concious effort to help you achieve. College teachers have hundreds of students let me assure you, many of which complain about various things without ever asking for further clarification. Don't be one of those whiny students that you can never put a face to as there are many of those! There are relatively few that genuinely seek help when they are in trouble with something.
     
    01-13-2011, 11:43 AM
  #6
Yearling
Thanks. I feel like it is really disjointed too. And I have been writing further and now it seems to have turned more into a history lesson than a argumentative essay. So I need to do some more research. Its hard to confine this argument into two pages as well. Even with narrowing the subject down. I am really good at history and not good at argueing so its a tough class for me.
The only reason why I have not liked her so far, it could change, is that she really doesn't help you. I asked for the requirements, and she told me too look in another part of the class, and they weren't there. She has done the same to other students as well and I tried to help them too and couldn't find the answers to our questions, so we are sort of stuck with our questions without answers.
     
    01-13-2011, 11:49 AM
  #7
Foal
I don't know if anyone has said this already but I think the thesis comes at the end of the ur intro..??!!??!! No thesis is a bad thesis(thats what my teacher told me) but it should be a one sentence summary on ur whole essay and ur arguments.....
     
    01-13-2011, 11:51 AM
  #8
Green Broke
Quote:
Originally Posted by Gizmo    
The only reason why I have not liked her so far, it could change, is that she really doesn't help you. I asked for the requirements, and she told me too look in another part of the class, and they weren't there. She has done the same to other students as well and I tried to help them too and couldn't find the answers to our questions, so we are sort of stuck with our questions without answers.
Sure and I understand this, having been on both sides as a teacher and as a student.

As a teacher, let me tell you that every student wants all the answers with little effort. Therefore to the average student you provide minimal help and suggest something arbitrary like 'go look at the syllabus' or 're-read the question' or 'it's explained in the outline' as most of the time, their questions can be solved by simply doing that. Trust me, if you set aside the time for each and every student to go over the syllabus with them, you would have no time for anything else!

Now in your case, if you have checked everything and still don't have your answer, time to go and have a visit during office hours, hence my suggestion of making an appointment. Not only will you have a better answer, your teacher will know that you are making a genuine effort to do well and you are no longer just another face in the crowd.
     
    01-13-2011, 12:15 PM
  #9
Yearling
Quote:
Originally Posted by Speed Racer    
Sorry, but your whole premise is wrong. Unless of course, that's what you're going for; being deliberately wrong and argumentative.

Mustangs aren't 'pure', or even wild in the actual sense. They're feral horses, most of whom go back to animals that were either discarded or escaped from ranches and the U.S. Army.

Those 'wild' animals you see out on the plains have very domestic roots, and most of them are from bloodlines developed in the 1940s through 1960s.

There are a very minute number who actually go back to horses that were lost by the Conquistadors, but they're extremely rare. But again, those animals were originally domestic stock, not wild animals. The only true wild horse left in the world is Przewalki's Horse.

Your college thesis needs to be less broad and more specific. You should have started researching and writing it when you got the assignment, not waited until 2 days before it was due.
Sorry dear, for some reason I skipped over your comment. I agree its too broad. I meant to be more about the Spanish Mustangs the original breed. Which has been altered by the horses that were brought over and escaped, when the pioneers first moved out west too.

I have done research but I am still waiting for my question to be answered by my teacher if it purely from knowledge or a factual essay. This assignments was only given to us on Monday and this part is just the rough draft. I have the entire essay done just about, I just wasn't set on the first paragraph and I am HORRIBLE at thesis statements. So that is why I was asking for help and have not gotten any feed back from my school mates in the virtual classroom like they are supposed to do.


Sarahver: I agree I need to ask her again. I can't go to her office, because its a two hour drive for me. I go to school online. I think for now I am just going to do the research and put it in accordingly, seemingly how this is my last day for it. I would have until Sunday but my boyfriend and I are going away to Salem, MA for the weekend. So I will see what she says about it when I submit it as a rough draft. We aren't graded on it, just a submission grade.

So here is my rewritten first paragraph. The first paragraph is really important because it is the opener, the thing that attracts you to actually read it and it has the thesis, so that is why I am asking for help on this particular part.

Hundreds of years ago Spanish Conquistadors brought thousands of horses with them on their many trips to the, “new world.” On their journeys across the southern part of what is now America some of the horses were lost, escaped, or were stolen by Native Americans. These Spanish horses made up the original Mustang breed of "wild" horses. Today that breed is fighting for its life. Though, there are many that say the Mustang is alive and well, but that is not the original breed. These Spanish Mustangs are close to extinction.


I feel like the last sentence still needs something. Man this essay is kicking my butt, lol.


     
    01-13-2011, 01:04 PM
  #10
Weanling
Don't forget to spend some time addressing the opposing side's argument. Successfully argumentative pieces go:

1. Your argument (spend most of your time here)
2. What critics say (only bring up a few points, don't go on forever)
3. Why you're right and they aren't

I also can't imagine any argumentative piece being successfully without research UNLESS you've previously researched the topic and it's informal (read: the teacher doesn't care about sources). You have to know more than a little something about something to make an argumentative essay out of it - or else it would just be called "An Unfounded Opinion Based Mainly on Emotion/Hormones/The Color of the Sky Today" essay. Also, not that your professor shouldn't be clear, but most college professors are not going to hold your hand through the writing process - that's what your other 14 years of education was for. If you need extra help, go to your school's Writing Center other a tutor.
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