Help with writing a story...
 
 

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Help with writing a story...

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  • Writing stories about horses

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    01-07-2013, 09:30 AM
  #1
Weanling
Post Help with writing a story...

I need help editing my story...puntuation, Capitol letters, or anything else you can think of! I will add more as I write...

It was a cold dreary wet afternoon as I trudged home after a long boring day of school. I had just gotten an F in my exam and I knew it was not a grade my wonderful mom expected. As I got to the front door, I debated if I should go inside or go to our clubhouse. I am 13 years old and I live in a little friendly cul-de-sac. To the left of my house you will usually see grumpy old Donald out mowing the already mowed lawn. My friends and I try to stay out of his way because as I said he is one of those grumpy old men who have no heart. To the right you will see all of my best friendís siblings playing together. I do not understand how they can play outside in the unbearable weather! Here I am all bundled up in all my warm knit sweaters and my ugly brown coat that is so small. I love my coat. It was the one that my dad gave me before he died 3 years ago, he is in heaven now. He was the best dad ever. I remember him as if he is still here, He looked like nothing could bother him oh and his face had many wrinkle lines that showed that he laughed a lot. My mum had them to but since 3 years ago, they have all disappeared. She looks aged and tired and she is always in bed ill. I want to please her with my grades but nothing seems to cheer her up. She looks like a miserable rainy day with wrinkles all over her face she is always frowning and is very ill. Ok you get it! My best friends and I always meet in our clubhouse, which is an old church that has not been used in forever. There are five of us Anny who is short and has a crazy imagination, Mary who is very timid and will do anything to get out of a scary situation; Elizabeth Ellie for short is built quite large I must say. She is never afraid of anything and is the first one to plow into adventures. There is Amy who is twins with Ellie needless to say they are totally opposite She is the one with the brains. Then there am I a very tall girl who has a crazy passion for any type of animal, my name is Jill.
     
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    01-07-2013, 09:53 AM
  #2
Weanling
Well as I was walking down the road to get to the clubhouse I couldn’t help noticing a cute little girl who looked to be around 9 years of age sitting down on the curb crying. So naturally, I go up to her and ask what is wrong. She replied “My world is dying I came out of my world to find 5 girls who can save our world.” It was not until then that I noticed she had a tail! It was like cat's tail except it was long, fluffy, and orange. She notices that I am staring and She sais” You never saw a girl with tail? We have never seen a girl without a tail.” So naturally, I am about to freak and run but my crazy animals passion held me fast. Therefore, I said regretting “I know 5 girls who could help.” At that said she perked up and said “Tell them to meet me in the old church” Before I could ask her where she disappeared. I then ran to Ellies house because I knew she was the bravest out of the five of us and asked her if she wanted to go on an adventure. Naturally, she said yes before she knew what the adventure was about. I told her to run and tell the other girls that we are going to have a meeting in the old clubhouse.
     
    01-07-2013, 10:46 AM
  #3
Super Moderator
I started but I didn't want to change any of your thoughts so I stopped because I don't want to offend:

It was a cold dreary wet afternoon as I trudged home after a long boring day of school. I had just gotten an F on a major exam and I knew it was not the grade my wonderful mom expected from me. As I got to the front door, I debated going inside to face the consiquences or heading to our clubhouse. I am 13 years old and I live in a little friendly cul-de-sac. To the left of my house you will usually see grumpy old Donald out mowing his already perfectly manicured lawn. My friends and I try to stay out of his way because, as I said, he is a grumpy old man who, I’m pretty sure, has no heart. To the right you will see all of my best friend’s siblings playing together. I do not understand how they can play outside in the unbearable weather!
     
    01-07-2013, 11:24 AM
  #4
Weanling
It won't affend! That's great!
     
    01-07-2013, 11:26 AM
  #5
Weanling
It was a cold dreary wet afternoon as I trudged home after a long boring day of school. I had just gotten an F on a major exam and I knew it was not the grade my wonderful mom expected from me. As I got to the front door, I debated going inside to face the consequences or heading to our clubhouse. I am 13 years old and I live in a little friendly cul-de-sac. To the left of my house you will usually see grumpy old Donald out mowing his already perfectly manicured lawn. My friends and I try to stay out of his way because, as I said, he is a grumpy old man who, I’m pretty sure, has no heart. To the right you will see all of my best friend’s siblings playing together. I do not understand how they can play outside in the unbearable weather! Here I am all bundled up in all my warm knit sweaters and my ugly brown coat that is so small. I love my coat. It was the one that my dad gave me before he died 3 years ago, he is in heaven now. He was the best dad ever. I remember him as if he is still here, He looked like nothing could bother him oh and his face had many wrinkle lines that showed that he laughed a lot. My mum had them to but since 3 years ago, they have all disappeared. She looks aged and tired and she is always in bed ill. I want to please her with my grades but nothing seems to cheer her up. She looks like a miserable rainy day with wrinkles all over her face she is always frowning and is very ill. Ok you get it! My best friends and I always meet in our clubhouse, which is an old church that has not been used in forever. There are five of us Anny who is short and has a crazy imagination, Mary who is very timid and will do anything to get out of a scary situation; Elizabeth Ellie for short is built quite large I must say. She is never afraid of anything and is the first one to plow into adventures. There is Amy who is twins with Ellie needless to say they are totally opposite She is the one with the brains. Then there am I a very tall girl who has a crazy passion for any type of animal, my name is Jill.
Well as I was walking down the road to get to the clubhouse I couldn’t help noticing a cute little girl who looked to be around 9 years of age sitting down on the curb crying. So naturally, I go up to her and ask what is wrong. She replied “My world is dying I came out of my world to find 5 girls who can save our world.” It was not until then that I noticed she had a tail! It was like cat's tail except it was long, fluffy, and orange. She notices that I am staring and She sais” You never saw a girl with tail? We have never seen a girl without a tail.” So naturally, I am about to freak and run but my crazy animals passion held me fast. Therefore, I said regretting “I know 5 girls who could help.” At that said she perked up and said “Tell them to meet me in the old church” Before I could ask her name she disappeared. I then ran to Ellies house because I knew she was the bravest out of the five of us and asked her if she wanted to go on an adventure. Naturally, she said yes before she knew what the adventure was about. I told her to run and tell the other girls that we are going to have a meeting in the old clubhouse. As I ran down the long street to the clubhouse, I began to wonder if anyone else would come along in this little adventure. I knew it was going to take a long time to convince Mary to do it.
When I got to the clubhouse, I walked around until I saw a little pink note on one of the old benches. I decided to wait to read it until the others came because hard to admit I was scared. It too along time for the rest of the group to come but once they came we all looked at the note. There was nothing on the note and we all just started looking at it harder. Anny said” I wonder if we all sit on it will tell us something” I personally think she has too much of an imagination, but I did it anyway and one by one the girls did the same. It must have been a funny sight because a second later we heard laughing. We all turned around a little startled. There was that little girl again! Just like I did, the other girls stared at her tail and she had to tell them that where she lives every one has a tail. She said her name was pinky and that she needed our help. I looked at Mary She looked terrified and I could tell she was figuring out some way to escape. I walked over, stood next to her, and told her everything would be ok. Pinky then said “I need all of your help. My people are counting on my to bring 5 girls back into our world who will help by slaying the giant monster that is destroying our city”
Pinky told us to look at the note again. This time when we looked there was writing. It said” To go to tail world You must first go into your dream world” Well of course Amy knew what it meant and right away said” Everyone you must daydream” We all started to daydream and poof we were in a new world! Everywhere it bustled with people tall and short with a long or short tail. Right away they all came over running well at least 10000 of them or so it seemed.
     
    01-07-2013, 12:20 PM
  #6
Weanling
It was a cold dreary wet afternoon as I trudged home after a long boring day of school. I had just gotten an F on a major exam and I knew it was not the grade my wonderful mom expected from me. As I got to the front door, I debated going inside to face the consequences or heading to our clubhouse. I am 13 years old and I live in a little friendly cul-de-sac. To the left of my house you will usually see grumpy old Donald out mowing his already perfectly manicured lawn. My friends and I try to stay out of his way because, as I said, he is a grumpy old man who, I am sure, has no heart. To the right you will see all of my best friend’s siblings playing together. I do not understand how they can play outside in the unbearable weather! Here I am all bundled up in all my warm knit sweaters and my ugly brown coat that is so small. I love my coat. It was the one that my dad gave me before he died 3 years ago, he is in heaven now. He was the best dad ever. I remember him as if he is still here, He looked like nothing could bother him oh and his face had many wrinkle lines that showed that he laughed a lot. My mum had them to but since 3 years ago, they have all disappeared. She looks aged and tired and she is always in bed ill. I want to please her with my grades but nothing seems to cheer her up. She looks like a miserable rainy day with wrinkles all over her face she is always frowning and is very ill. Ok you get it! My best friends and I always meet in our clubhouse, which is an old church that has not been used in forever. There are five of us Anny who is short and has a crazy imagination, Mary who is very timid and will do anything to get out of a scary situation; Elizabeth Ellie for short is built quite large I must say. She is never afraid of anything and is the first one to plow into adventures. There is Amy who is twins with Ellie needless to say they are totally opposite She is the one with the brains. Then there am I a very tall girl who has a crazy passion for any type of animal, my name is Jill.
Well as I was walking down the road to get to the clubhouse I couldn’t help noticing a cute little girl who looked to be around 9 years of age sitting down on the curb crying. So naturally, I go up to her and ask what is wrong. She replied “My world is dying I came out of my world to find 5 girls who can save our world.” It was not until then that I noticed she had a tail! It was like cat's tail except it was long, fluffy, and orange. She notices that I am staring and She sais” You never saw a girl with tail? We have never seen a girl without a tail.” So naturally, I am about to freak and run but my crazy animals passion held me fast. Therefore, I said regretting “I know 5 girls who could help.” At that said she perked up and said “Tell them to meet me in the old church” Before I could ask her name she disappeared. I then ran to Ellies house because I knew she was the bravest out of the five of us and asked her if she wanted to go on an adventure. Naturally, she said yes before she knew what the adventure was about. I told her to run and tell the other girls that we are going to have a meeting in the old clubhouse. As I ran down the long street to the clubhouse, I began to wonder if anyone else would come along in this little adventure. I knew it was going to take a long time to convince Mary to do it.
When I got to the clubhouse, I walked around until I saw a little pink note on one of the old benches. I decided to wait to read it until the others came because hard to admit I was scared. It too along time for the rest of the group to come but once they came we all looked at the note. There was nothing on the note and we all just started looking at it harder. Anny said” I wonder if we all sit on it will tell us something” I personally think she has too much of an imagination, but I did it anyway and one by one the girls did the same. It must have been a funny sight because a second later we heard laughing. We all turned around a little startled. There was that little girl again! Just like I did, the other girls stared at her tail and she had to tell them that where she lives every one has a tail. She said her name was pinky and that she needed our help. I looked at Mary She looked terrified and I could tell she was figuring out some way to escape. I walked over, stood next to her, and told her everything would be ok. Pinky then said “I need all of your help. My people are counting on my to bring 5 girls back into our world who will help by slaying the giant monster that is destroying our city”
Pinky told us to look at the note again. This time when we looked there was writing. It said” To go to tail world You must first go into your dream world” Well of course Amy knew what it meant and right away said” Everyone you must daydream” We all started to daydream and poof we were in a new world! Everywhere it bustled with people tall and short with a long or short tail. Right away they all came over running well at least 10000 of them or so it seemed. They were all talking at the same time in the weirdest language. The only word they were saying that I could understand was tails. They must be talking about us not having tails! A person that was dressed like he was king used a microphone with a tail on it to quiet everyone down. I decided that my nickname for him would be Buttons because on his long blue robe there was buttons everywhere. Buttons then turned and looked at us and said,” Welcome to our world, we sent pinky on a quest to bring 5 young girls back to save our city of…” Just then, we heard a big noise it was kind of like a yell and a roar at the same time. This monster then comes running into the city smashing houses as he walked He was very ugly and had large green scales and a small purple tongue and feet as big as my house! I turned around just in time to see Mary scream and start running in the other direction. Of course all of us ran. I was surprised that Ellie ran too. Usually she will face whatever but I guess that was too much. We ran until we could not run anymore. When we stopped I looked around We were in another village. This one was deserted and looked like it had not been used in years. All the buildings were smashed and there were bones all over. We decided that we would keep walking. I could tell that Anny was starting to imagine things again. She said” I wonder if the monster smashed those buildings and there are baby monster eggs in there. I said no that is ridiculous and we started walking again. Soon we came to a large cave where we decided to sleep. We must have slept the whole day because when we woke up it was dark and cold. Amy started a big fire next to the cave. This was all too scary for Mary who sat in the corner crying and saying repeatedly that she wanted to go home.

     
    01-07-2013, 12:30 PM
  #7
Foal
Isn't this your second post? Sorry but the only homework I do is mine.
Posted via Mobile Device
     
    01-07-2013, 12:32 PM
  #8
Weanling
Oohhh... and this is not homework.. It's for fun.
     
    01-07-2013, 12:42 PM
  #9
Trained
It all looks good to me! It's pretty interesting story. :)
     
    01-07-2013, 12:54 PM
  #10
Foal
Quote:
Originally Posted by ilikehorses2    
oohhh... and this is not homework.. It's for fun.
Uh-huh. My daughter is a college professor. Don't recall her ever having a student who did any lengthy writing "just for fun." :)
Posted via Mobile Device
     

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