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husband has horrible hygiene

5K views 64 replies 28 participants last post by  RegalCharm 
#1 ·
My husband is 70. I'm 15 years younger. We have separate bedrooms because he snores so bad and I like it warmer, he sweats and thrashes around. I noticed that he smells lately. Not only like BO but like an "old" smell. I went into his bedroom today and it REAKED!!! He never uses deodorant and I keep asking him to. He does for a while and then just stops when I stop bugging him about it.
I found the culprit in the bedroom!! the closet. He hangs up his old dirty shirts!!! I smelled them and OMG!!! AWFUL. I confronted him about it and asked him to smell it. He said he can't smell anything and they are fine. He comes in from doing chores sweating like crazy and claims he hasn't sweated all day. WTH??? I took out about 15 shirts today and thru them in the laundry. I can't deal with this. Sometimes he goes to bed without showering which I find disgusting but I figure.... it's his bed... whatever. I completely stripped the bed tonight and sprayed the mattress with fabreeze and put clean sheets on. He doesn't care I'm sure.
I noticed the couch smells now :( I have been using fabreeze on it and that does help. It's a cloth couch.
don't know what else to do.
 
#3 ·
Put plastic on the couch. Or it will be ruined.

And I deal with this too. Spousal unit is just nasty hygiene wise, and like yours has that "old man" smell. He is going on 72 in January, and I will be 60 this December.

I messed up and got him cloth recliner...need to do something about that...and when he uses deodorant, he loads himself up with it to point you gag.

Also, his clothes reek as well, even after he washes them, he is an OTR truckdriver so I don't have to do his laundry usually, but the few times I have, you have to dump 1/2 box of baking soda in water and let them sit in it for hours, and then rinse that and try to wash clothes to get his stench out.

If he gets in a vehicle I drive, smell lingers then too.

I have my own bedroom, can't stand to be bothered by someone breathing in my room.
 
#6 ·
He does for a while and then just stops when I stop bugging him about it.

He doesn't care I'm sure.
Well it DOES indeed sound like he doesn't much care about you, or the situation.

Ultimately, its your life, but if my husband ever stopped caring about how I was feeling, I'd hit the road.

Marriage is a two-way street, give and take. Each person needs to actually CARE about the other person so that you can work together to find a solution that works for the both of you. Doesn't sound like he's at all interested in fixing the problem, nor working on it, even though he knows it bothers you.

It may very well be that he can't smell it if he has a medical problem (my dad is only 64 but he has had severe sinus problems and has pretty much lost his sense of smell), but he should at least make an effort for you.
 
#8 ·
Time to have a serious talk. Not an accusory one, but a sit down "I really need us to work this out" talk.

Explain that you understand he probably cannot smell the odor, but you can and you want to work on some solutions together.

Set up some good habits to replace his obvious bad ones. A shower at night before he goes to bed. All his clothes put into the laundry. New clothes and deodorant the next morning. Give him his own closet to pick his clothes out of. If he won't get rid of today's clothes, take them when he showers at night and toss them down into the laundry area. I guarantee he'll be too lazy to go down and get them. :wink:

Toss in some surprises. Suggest you take a shower together. :D Ask him which soap scent he prefers. Make him part of the process.
 
#9 ·
I'm not sure that I agree with beau... Leaving seems like a pretty drastic step to take--particularly when I assume you've been married for quite some time?

That said, I /do/ think it's time for a conversation. Explain your feelings calmly and how you do not want to live in a home like this. If he loves and cares for you then he will be willing to make changes.
 
#11 ·
I agree with a medical checkup if this smell is new. That could be a sign of a serious health problem.

If his environment has just gotten to *that* point, having a conversation with him about basic cleanliness to avoid certain pests may be in order. And keep on him about it.

Divorce is certainly not high on the list of solutions I would give for this situation, though. That seems very drastic and should never even be used as a threat.
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#12 ·
I would never leave him. That is way too drastic and it wouldn't benefit either of us. I did have a talk with him and he felt bad. He's willing to do whatever I ask. I still don't know if he's lying about not able to smell or not. He gets a yearly physical every year, blood work etc.... Is it new. Yeah, pretty much. He retired 4 years ago and since then, that's when it started. In the summer it's worse because it's hot out and he SWEATS. So it's always been worse in the summer months. But when he was working full time, he showered all the time and I was always doing laundry. I thought something was odd when the hamper was not filling up so fast here. He works part time but is off in the summer months as it's with the school district.
I told him that I can't take this smell anymore. That he needs to take care of himself better and I couldn't BELIEVE he was putting smelly shirts back in the closet!!! I was a bit rough but I couldn't believe it.
He NEVER changes his showering towel and i asked him, "if I left that towel in there, how many months would it take you to get a new one?" He didn't answer. I WAS going to do just that and see how long it would take him but I kind of think he never would and I would cave. We have separate bathrooms and he NEVER cleans his. It's the main one tho so when we have people over or someone is staying over, I make him clean it. I peek in the shower and say OMG!!! to myself because I sure couldn't shower in that DIRTY shower. I ask him, "do you not see the ring in there? His answer, "no." He just doesn't care. When he does clean it, he actually does a really good job.
When he starts his part time job, he always showers and he never wears the same shirt over and over. So I think he cares what others think - just not me. But I have never said anything before either til now.
All I can do is see what happens. He showered last night and used deodorant but no deodorant today :( If he doesn't shower tonight, I'll be saying something. I really don't care if I sound like a nag.
 
#18 ·
My husband is also 70+ (been married just over 2 years), and seems to have similar habits. My late husband was just the opposite. Very clean, and I loved his natural scent.
What I have partially concluded is that the different personalities have different priorities, and it takes concentrated effort for an "unfocused" and "unaware of others" personality to see and do what a more "observant," "considerate of others" personality would do when it comes to picking up and cleaning.

In trying to understand how my now husband operates:

I am convinced that he is dyslexic. He didn't learn to read until he was in college. I had a conversation with a woman who is also dyslexic and has 4 children who are. She homeschooled all of her children and had to learn how to help them learn their school subjects despite their dyslexia She told me that dyslexics don't just see words and figures differently, they see the world differently! They see a chair, but no matter if the chair is standing upright, laying on its side, upside down, or on the ceiling, they just see "a chair." As long as it's "a chair," that's okay with them. Someone like me who is more detail oriented sees the stain on the chair or the dust clinging to the rungs or the chip of paint on the leg . . .
It's a very tough, mental effort for people who aren't detail oriented to try to see the details. It's not "right or wrong," but it does create friction when there is a detail-oriented person who shares living space with a person who is oblivious to detail. Your husband puts his clothes away (some women would be jealous of that!), but misses the detail that the clothes are dirty/need washing.
So . . . we train our horses and we sometimes have to help train our family members IF we need to have our nests in a particular order.
The alternative is for US to give away some of our expectations . . . but, I admit, cleanliness, absence of unpleasant odors, and having things in their place are things my spirit needs in order to have peace.
 
#13 · (Edited by Moderator)
And I have to add, he does take care of me. I can't complain there. Even with his smelly faults, he takes care of me. I have anxiety that can spring up and I have limitations on what I can do comfortably and he's always there to accommodate. Another man probably would have left me long ago. I hurt my back several months ago and the disc is trying to heal but still hurts like hell!!! He is there to help me and I can't work full time with it this way. I work part time. He won't let me move furniture around or move anything heavy and he COOKS :) I HATE cooking. I'll do the clean up but I HATE cooking. So he is a good guy. I don't want to give the wrong impression that he's some useless person.
 
#14 ·
Hunter's Specialties® Scent-A-Way® Max Laundry Detergent : Cabela's


It helps lots. But you do it when he isn't around. It's a little too pricey to waste.

I noticed a change in the smell of my husband when he started taking blood pressure meds. The objectionable became downright gross.

Mine is a long haul driver too. Must be a thing.

I have no problem telling him to shower because he stinks.

We have slept in different rooms for ages.
 
#15 ·
I'm not making excuses for him at all, so please don't take what I am about to type as doing so.

You mentioned he is 70 years old and has been working P/T for the past 4 years? For 60+ years of his life he was accustomed to doing something one way, his body doing something one way and his habits being controlled one way. Now, he is aging-- and maybe his sense of smell is off, maybe his sight is going, his energy levels, etc. You mentioned having a bad back and he is picking up the slack trying to help you around, cook meals, work (you keep mentioning it being hot and sweaty so I assume it's outside or at least in a hot environment). The guy may just be completely over-exerting himself for his age/physical condition and trying to keep up with you being so much younger than he is. I'm not saying it's right or fair, but chores often fall by the wayside when we get tired and personal hygiene has to be "adjusted" throughout life as we age.

I'm glad you two had a talk and you have EVERY right as his wife to bring up concerns.

I would maybe try to help him out some. Offer to throw some of his shirts in the laundry for him when he is working since he is doing the cooking. Or both of you make a joint effort to clean the living room (sofas, blankets, etc). It could just be some small, caring gestures on your part that help him to realize he needs to pick up the slack a bit.
 
#40 ·
I always do the laundry because I like doing it. As far as him picking up "slack". Not so. He's always done the cooking. he likes it and I hate it so it works out. Try and tie him down or take away chores - NOT going to happen. He has ALWAYS been this way. He cannot sit still. He has ALWAYS been active, always moving, always doing something. He'll sit at night and watch tv but during the day.... no way. He's either doing stuff in the yard or whatever. I clean the house, vacuum, dust etc.... The inside chores are mine and the outside is his. If he didn't have that, he'd die. The summer is driving him crazy because he's not working at a job. He's jus that type. He will work til the day he dies. The Dr. said his body and bloodwork etc. shows him to be a man of 45!!! They think because he is so active and always has been.
 
#16 ·
I was going to recommend Scent-A Way but SueNH beat me to it.

This sounds a lot like my dad. He's just gross. But there are 2 contributing factors to why my dad is this way. Laziness, and medical related. A few years ago his sweat started smelling really bad and then he found out he had gout. That contributed to the smell a lot. He changed his diet and it's not nearly as bad now. But then the fact that the man just never bathes...
 
#19 ·
It's really only since he's been driving truck. No idea what those showers cost but I know he's always complaining.
He's home 2x a year and that's it. Fine with me.

If you check the hunting goods section of walmart, they carry another brand of that soap. Works just as well. I discovered it by accident. My daughter arrived one day with her laundry and her a boyfriends clothes too. He worked in a real butcher shop and would use it to get the blood smell out of his clothing.

Biggest problem I think is my husband stuffing all his laundry into one machine and way overloading. Never really gets a good washing. Plus in a truck stop every other driver is doing the same thing so the machines themselves stink. He starts sweating at about 60 degrees.

My washing machine here will comfortably do 35 bath towels. But he manages to over stuff it.
 
#22 ·
Nope, not buying that one bit, most truckstops if you fuel, shower is free for the drivers. Or you get a card showing you have fueled but didn't use shower, but get punch for shower so you can use it at next one you stop at, most they run anyway is maybe 10? And you get part back if you return towel.

As well as all of this is tax deductible on your taxes, or goes for work expenses. Same as special clothing would.

Another thing too, is that if you carry any weight, the skin under the folds gets a smell, you can powder, or use deodorant stone to help, IF he will use it that is.

And old men just get a smell to them. Fact of life. If they don't keep themselves clean, they just flat out stink.

Spousal unit can come home and the smell just wafts from his room upstairs, even with door closed.

Wanted me to go with him on the truck...not going to happen. Ever.
 
#20 ·
e needs to see a doctor and talk about depression. If he recently stopped working at all, he may now be dealing with symptoms from that, especially if he is spending much more time at home and less time out in the rest of the world. Lack of personal hygiene can be a big sign of depression.

It is good that you spoke with him and that he is willing to work with you – that’s half your battle right there. See a doctor first, and in the meantime look up the symptoms of depression to see if you can see any parallels.

Far as laundry goes, I have found that 20 Mule Team Borax works REALLY well in removing musty/stinky odors from cloth, and it’s got the benefit of only being $4 a box. I buy clothes from yard sales and thrift shops occasionally, and I always wash any article of clothing in regular laundry soap and Borax before wearing to get rid of that “stale” smell.
 
#21 ·
Ha, Ha--I am the one who likes to skip showers.
Seriously, though, I think it is medical, too. My DH, 67yo (married 35 years) hardly EVER smells anything but clean and sweet, even the though house isn't clean all of the time, what with dogs, cats, horses and chickens outside and me tracking things in.
While you wait for a Dr's appointment, do talk to him and continue to clean. My DH uses a CPAP machine bc he discovered sleep apnea. Yours may have the same problem, too, bc snoring heavily is a major symptom.
I think that I would continue to deep clean his room. I like to change our sheets 1x/week. If you cleaned the sheets and folded them and put them away--I know this sounds a lot like taking care of a child--he may tell you how appreciative he is that you do this and you care. He may also be depressed that you aren't sharing a room anymore. My DH is generally always in a good mood, but he would become depressed if I moved out to sleep in another room.
 
#23 ·
Lord, if I had to share room with spousal...I would become homicidal.

And doesn't do any good to put clean sheets on..he will come in, be in 3 days and wear same clothes every day and sleep in the bed in those same clothes. I have seen it happen.

And if I do raise enough sand that he takes a shower...he will put on his dirty underwear again...or his dirty clothes.

Man is just basically a pig. I saw his debit card once...black as ace of spades...said he "don't have time to put on gloves" when he fuels truck?

Oh please.
 
#25 ·
Well, just no. DH does not have a fine tuned sense of smell. I don't mind horse smell and reportedly can't smell it on clothes, but beyond that - I have an extremely good sense of smell and do not "do" odors.

If it were me, I would just devise an easy to follow routine for him that negated any clothes from being laid down, put back, whatnot. Yes, that would mean more work for me, but - it would also ensure everything smells nice.
 
#26 ·
I can't believe someone said leave your husband because he's old and smelly! I'm in shock....

I don't have any advice for you on this, my husband still smells yummy (when he's clean) but his mother is on her third marriage and that man doesn't clean himself and wears the same clothes for weeks at a time. That is not an exaggeration, his smell even gets on her and it's hard to hug them and to sit with them because they smell. But... Love is love so I tolerate as best I can and when it gets to bad I call his sister and ask her to do something about it.

I don't know why some people stop washing themselves when they get older unless it's because it's harder and their skin dries? Do you have a shower seat or a tub?
 
#30 ·
In case of my spousal unit...this is lifelong for him, at least as long as people have known him, that I have talked to, so 35 years or more. He's just nasty period. Sorry to be so blunt, but that is the honest to God truth.

For some, it is because they do not smell themselves, I would guess. For others they just don't care? Or figure what does it matter?
 
#27 ·
If he takes RX meds, it could be that making the sweat stink more. Loss of hormones etc.
A lot of people lose the ability to smell things/certain odors.
Ask Him to please take a shower every night. Use stain remover , I just add in with the detergent. Get him some antibacterial bath soap. i will tell my hubby.. you stink go take a shower. Glad to know I am not the only grumpy older female around !!
 
#39 ·
Here is another incentive that keeps me cleaning, though I mostly just track dirt and grass inside.
If a room smells bad, your cat and dog will assume it is a place to pee and poo. 'O'
Then, of course, it will smell worse.
 
#44 ·
I did find this in an article:

Battling B.O. — Body Odor Disorders

In most healthy adults, body odor isn’t a problem that deodorant and a regular shower routine can’t take care of (although some people might smell just fine going au natural). But there are certain foods, habits, and medical conditions that can have friends and coworkers wearing face masks. Foods like garlic and curry can cause some smelly situations, since they contain chemicals that our glands excrete onto the skin. And burger-lovers beware: Some women think men who eat a lot of red meat smell worse than those who take their meals with a little less beef .

But if something smells fishy, it might be a case of trimethylaminuria, a condition in which the body can’t break down certain chemicals, instead emitting the odor of (gulp) rotting fish . A sudden change in body odor might also indicate a health issue like diabetic ketoacidosis or kidney failure. There’s some research suggesting schizophrenic patients also have a distinct body odor — though it’s unclear exactly what causes the smell . If bad body odor is an issue, it’s a good idea to speak to a health professional to rule out any serious causes.
 
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