I hate being touched and it's causing my fiancé and I to argue.. - The Horse Forum
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post #1 of 35 Old 11-15-2013, 05:21 PM Thread Starter
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I hate being touched and it's causing my fiancé and I to argue..

I am 24 and engaged to my best friend. We've been together 1 year and are completely in love.
We get along well for the most part, but one thing we argue about is the fact that I hate being touched. Like I literally get mad when people touch me after I tell them not to. I'm this way with everyone except my animals.
I get where he is coming from, us being engaged and I get mad whenever he tries to snuggle or excessive hugging or touching in general. But I don't feel like I should have to constantly tolerate something I don't like, to satisfy someone else. I hug him when he is upset and when we're saying hello/goodbye/goodnight. And whenever we do anything intimate it is after I've had a few drinks. That's really the only time I get snugly and affectionate.
It probably sounds like I am not attracted to him. That's not the case. If I wasn't attracted to him I would not have said yes to his proposal.
I just hate when anyone touches me in any way, shape, or form.
Is this something I just need to suck up and deal with? And just try and refrain from making "quit touching me" comments? I don't want to keep arguing with him over it if the general consensus is that I need to get over it...
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post #2 of 35 Old 11-15-2013, 05:23 PM
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I would talk to him about it and let him know how you feel about the situation. That might be one of the best things right now. Maybe he just doesn't know that you don't like being touched, which is why he does it?

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post #3 of 35 Old 11-15-2013, 05:29 PM Thread Starter
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Originally Posted by amberly View Post
I would talk to him about it and let him know how you feel about the situation. That might be one of the best things right now. Maybe he just doesn't know that you don't like being touched, which is why he does it?
He does know. I'll ask him to stop and then he'll sigh and get all mopey/pissed off.
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post #4 of 35 Old 11-15-2013, 05:32 PM
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In order for a relationship to work, both parties have got to give a little. I'm sort of like you... I'm not a very affectionate person (except for my animals) and my boyfriend is a very affectionate, snuggly, huggy type of person. We talk about our 'problems' (because we are polar opposites in just about every way) and both of us realized we needed to both give a little. Our first few months was very rocky... I'm the type who doesn't have to talk to someone every day to be happy and he likes to call and talk via phone, etc... We talked about it and both of us have had to work at things... I've had to work at being more affectionate and stuff and he's had to learn how to not be so overbearing with affection. I think we've finally hit a nice place in our relationship due to talking and giving a little.

That's all it takes... just talk it over and remember, both of you have to give a little in order for things to work out.
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post #5 of 35 Old 11-15-2013, 05:39 PM
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Hello Wildfire.

I'm going to give my honest thoughts here. They are meant to be helpful, and to give you food for thought. I will not mind at all if you tell me if I am wrong.

One of the fundamental things about love, attraction, and desire - particularly in the early years (the wild romance years) is that a person has a physical desire to touch their partner, and be touched by them.

You've just told us that you only get intimate with him after you've had a few drinks. This makes me wonder whether you're in a relationship that you would rather was platonic, and you're just doing the physical stuff to keep him happy?

You can't "just get over it". That would be a lie to yourself and him. But I do think you need to be even more honest with him and yourself about what "it" is.

How do you cope in social situations where greeting hugs and kisses occur?

When he touches you, you should feel warmed, supported, loved, or cared for. Do you? Or are you feeling negative thoughts?

When I was suffering from severe Post Natal Depression I didn't want to be touched at all either. I'm most certainly not suggesting that you are suffering from Depression - but I am saying that having been there, I know what it's like, and I know now that it's not right.

Get up, get going, seize the day. Enjoy the sunshine, the rain, cloudy days, snowstorms, and thunder. Getting on your horse is always worth the effort.
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post #6 of 35 Old 11-15-2013, 05:45 PM
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A few thoughts... try not to be intimate with him until after you're married - (the reward on your wedding night will be so worth it!) But for the here and now obvious issues, I would absolutely find an awesome counselor, go on a regular basis and get this resolved before marrying him. I can't forsee a healthy or lasting marriage if these issues are still there. Aside from intimacy, embracing, holding hands, etc. are the signals in a marriage that speak volumes to the other and provide an unspoken affirmation that they are loved and special.... Please do consider a good counselor, and the best of luck :)
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post #7 of 35 Old 11-15-2013, 05:50 PM
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In general, what I'd say in answer to this post would be try to work it out together or find other people who suit you each better. I have been involved in relationships where some personal quirk, belief, etc. annoys the other person and makes them angry or mopey depending on their personality. If it's a little thing that only happens every once in a while, then it can usually be worked out easily, however, if it's something big like yours is, it has always been the best choice to end the relationship and find someone who suits me better. Always.

In your case, I do think you might need something more than just finding a new SO. You have had a couple threads about different family and relationship problems lately and I think you need more help than people on the internet can give you. With the past that you have shared with people here on HF I would not be surprised if the problem with touching stems from deeper emotional issues. I would seriously encourage you to at least seek professional counseling and work on healing yourself before you marry someone.

Best of luck to you.
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post #8 of 35 Old 11-15-2013, 06:12 PM
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I don't know what to say because it's certainly a two sided thing.

I can guess that this isn't a problem that that will just go away.

It seems his relationship expectations are pretty normal. As much as you feel like you're having to do something you don't want to do, he's feeling the same thing, he's your fiance, he wants to touch you and be close to you. It's not fair that you should have to do something you don't like, but it's also not fair that he doesn't get something that is considered near essential in a close relationship. If you don't want to touch him that's okay, it doesn't mean anything is wrong with you or it's the wrong thing, but your relationship has to be right for both you.

To be honest, as much as I don't know you or your situation, it sounds to me like a real problem. If either of you are unhappy with your relationship now, before you're married, then that's not good. Marriage isn't going to fix those problems, lots of people think it will but if anything it will make things harder. If either of you are stuck in a marriage you're not happy with it's easy to grow angry and bitter.

I think you need to sit down and talk about your expectations. Be super honest about when you're going to be okay touching, hugging, being intimate, the frequency and what you're sort of "willing to agree to". Make it clear that this isn't going to change after marriage. Allow him to speak, allow him to share what his expectations are, what he thinks your relationship should be. Listen and understand and imagine how he feels too. See if you can find something where you're both happy, see if you can still make each other happy.

I get it. I often feel like I don't want to be touched. I'm not in a relationship mainly because I don't want to be at this moment. I don't want to be close to someone. You just have to make sure you're on the same page and you're happy. If you're not, its not something you should ignore.
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post #9 of 35 Old 11-15-2013, 06:39 PM Thread Starter
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I really want to stress that I am attracted to my fiancé. He is the love of my life, I enjoy being around him and we both are looking forward to marriage and a family. I would not be with him if I did not want to be. I love him with every fiber of my being and I would not want to be with anyone else. Which is why I do want to work it out so that we both are getting what we need. At this point we can't afford counseling. I am still under my parents' insurance (until I'm 25 or get married, whichever comes first) and they can't afford counseling.
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post #10 of 35 Old 11-15-2013, 06:43 PM
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it's all that strange to not like being touched a lot. I feel similarly. I generally prefer a more limited touching, but that it be more meaningful.
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