I hate being touched and it's causing my fiancÚ and I to argue.. - Page 2 - The Horse Forum
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post #11 of 35 Old 11-15-2013, 06:46 PM
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I think lots of people do not like to be touched and I think as you get older you may mellow out on that a bit. I used to be ticklish and not like certain areas touched but when people that didn't try and grab me and tickle me I began to trust and became more comfortable and not so sensitive
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post #12 of 35 Old 11-15-2013, 07:03 PM
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IMO, it sounds like you got into this pretty fast. A year is a good amount of time to get a feel for eachother, but gauging 360 days of a relationship for how it will be over a lifetime, idk. While you need someone who isn't as touchy feely maybe he need someone who IS touchy feely for his personal sake. The door goes both ways here. In my relationship I'm more of the standoff-ish person. I don't need my girlfriend all over me 24/7. On the other hand if my girlfriend could be sewn to me, she would. We have come to a pretty respective balance I'd say, and she knows if I ask her not to touch me she backs off. If she is in a snuggly mood I please her and cuddle with her. Typically I'm pretty indifferent to it though.

Anyway, this could be a deal breaker for the both of you. You need to strike a balance or one person will be happy and the other will be miserable.
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post #13 of 35 Old 11-15-2013, 07:22 PM
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I may be just an old romantic, but touching is a powerful form of communication, much more powerful than speaking, and without it, you are truly missing out.

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post #14 of 35 Old 11-17-2013, 07:17 PM
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I'm not that experienced with relationships, but I would think that touching is a natural thing. I mean, obviously, some people like touching or cuddling or whatever you want to call it more than others. But for you to not want to be touched at all...it sounds like there's maybe something under your surface that is making you feel this way.

I also wanted to ask: Do you enjoy being intimate at all? Is there a particular reason why you don't like to be touched at all? Bad experience, maybe? Or is there a particular feeling that you get?

I hate to say it, but intimacy seems to be a major component in any marriage. That and communication. I want you to be able to have this guy, and it's great that you're so in love with him and ready to be with him for the rest of your life. But I would maybe explore the reason that you don't like to be touched. I'm not saying there's anything wrong with you by any means, but compromise is important and a little self-exploration may help you get to the bottom of this.

I hope this isn't coming off harsh or judgmental, because it's not meant to be that way. I'm just giving you the perspective I see.

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post #15 of 35 Old 11-17-2013, 07:45 PM
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I'm not really replying with any sort of useful information, I can just relate. So feel free to skip over my reply if you're just looking for advice.

Are you introverted by nature? It would appear to me that you are given that, like me (I am absolutely an introvert) you can go a few days without talking and still feel close to someone/happy. I'm introverted as well and I definitely fall into the 'less is better' category when any type of physical contact is concerned. Its strange. I'm not sure I'm as 'extreme' as you...if I am in a good mood I can and will tolerate my close friends touching me ( a pat on the shoulder, friendly bump, hand shake, quick hug) and occasionally with my best of friends (really only one person right now) I will initiate a hug. But just like you, I'd really prefer not to be hugged. My emotions range from frustrated to slightly angry...agitated I guess, or just uncomfortable. I feel like I'm out of my comfort zone when other people are very near to me (I'm incredibly aware of my and other peoples' personal bubbles) I think it is, as much as I don't want to admit it, a very possible reason that I stay single. I just do not touching. It annoys me if I'm tired or sad which you would think would be the opposite of a 'normal' reaction, and I view it with indifference in the best of times.

For curiosities sake, do you like the IDEA of affection? I know that sounds odd, but its one quirk about myself that I just don't understand. I actually love the idea of affection. Cuddling, hugging, even platonic friendly things...I hold no objection to the idea of them. They actually sound great to me. But when it comes to the actual act of even hugging a friend, I just feel uncomfortable because I don't know how to react, and because I feel uncomfortable, I become agitated or frustrated which leads to anger. But then I am upset that I can not do something so normal. Which leads me to believe that perhaps it is something about my introversion and the fact that company drains me that causes my reaction...and possibly yours. If you feel 'at odds' when around other people at all, you're more likely to feel awkward, and in many people that feeling of awkwardness/uncertainty tends to draw out the emotion of anger. Thus making us believe that touch = anger, where in actuality it is our reaction of uncertainty to touching that is triggering the anger.

Does that sound believeable at all? I have no research to back it up, I'm just a teenager, but its my deduction from how I have always felt. I can't tell you why I (we?) feel uncomfortable with touch...I personally have no reason to honestly. My mom is very affectionate (actually I find most of my agitation aimed at her and I feel bad) and I've had a 'normal' life without any incidences of rape or violence that might make me shy away from touch. Its strange.

Anyways, like I said. I'm no help with your actual delimma re: your fiancÚ, but I can relate in a way. I agree though that I think this is probably a classic case of meet in the middle. Compromise is key.
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post #16 of 35 Old 11-17-2013, 08:08 PM
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Endiku, you bring in an excellent perspective. I tend to be more extroverted and love to be touched, cuddled, hugged...so it's not one that I considered because I didn't know if there were a lot of people that felt the same. All the people I know generally don't mind being touch, so there was no consideration to the fact that some people just plain don't like it!

I did want to add, for the both of you, especially you Endiku, since you love the idea of it, that you may want to push yourself out of your comfort zone a little bit with it. You know, hug your mom, shake hands with someone, whatever lol. Maybe it's more an anxiety issue for whatever reason than actually hating to be touched. Just a thought, since I've experienced a dislike for things myself and have come to find out that it's more complex than just disliking it. By no means is it bad to be an introvert - in fact, it's pretty cool! - but maybe the dislike of touch is more of an anxiety thing than a personality thing? Again, just a thought of mine.

I think we all must have those things that we think are normal and get upset because we cannot or do not want to do them. I get mad when I freeze up in negative social situations and respond by avoiding the situation, that I can't accept major change in my life and go crazy about it sometimes, and the fact that I don't want to move out - not because I want to be with my parents, but because it's "home" and the place that is most comforting when I am distressed.

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post #17 of 35 Old 11-18-2013, 09:53 AM
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So, the fact that you are only able to be intimate after having a couple drinks should be a HUGE red flag. You mention family, which I assume would mean children. What happens when you get pregnant? Look at the hubby and say "sorry, no more sex 'till next year". (9 months pregnant, 2 or 3 months recovery)
There are some that have marriages without sex, but I would make sure that is really what you both are signing up for.
What happens when you have a two year old that is constantly hanging on your leg? The unspoken rule of parenting seems to be that the most touch needy children will be born to those who would rather not snuggle.
I would do some serious thinking, and see if you can't figure out why the touching bothers you. The fact that alcohol changes it, makes me wonder if it isn't something going on in your head. What happens if you reach out to touch him? Is it better if you are in charge of the contact? If you enjoy the physical contact with your animals, maybe it is more of a control issue?
You don't need to be touchy feely with everyone, but for many people, physical contact (without sex) is an important and almost necessary part of life. There has been research done on babies, and if they are not held and cuddled, they do not thrive.
I understand, to a degree where you are coming from. I struggle to tolerate physical contact from strangers. I went through a spell where I didn't want to snuggle my kids, but didn't realize what I was doing until my husband called me on it. I will never see a chiropractor because I won't be able to let them touch me.
When you reject your fiancÚ's touch, you are in some ways rejecting him, and denying him whether you mean to or not.
I would be very concerned about starting a life together until you get this resolved, I can see it only getting worse otherwise.
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post #18 of 35 Old 11-18-2013, 10:08 AM
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I think if you are repulsed by his touch and need to drink to be able to be intimate that its well past time to see a therapist. Nothing wrong with not liking to be touched but if you're forcing yourself to be intimate...well there's something wrong going on.

My husband is not much of a touchy person but as long as I don't go nuts he's okay with cuddling.
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post #19 of 35 Old 11-18-2013, 11:03 AM
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Excuse me, folks, but what I don't get at all is how in a world can you have sex with someone without touching? It's an important part of the relations, in particularly a significant part of sexual relations.

And I agree with others, you either don't like him as a partner (which is nothing wrong about, and yes, I've been in this boat, you can like a person A LOT but the physical intimacy with that person doesn't attract you), or you need a therapist.

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post #20 of 35 Old 11-18-2013, 06:10 PM
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Originally Posted by kitten_Val View Post
Excuse me, folks, but what I don't get at all is how in a world can you have sex with someone without touching? It's an important part of the relations, in particularly a significant part of sexual relations.

And I agree with others, you either don't like him as a partner (which is nothing wrong about, and yes, I've been in this boat, you can like a person A LOT but the physical intimacy with that person doesn't attract you), or you need a therapist.
Thanks Kitten....I didn't want to say it because I didn't want to hurt any ones feelings, but my lord, I'm thinking you haven't found the right man.

There are certain obligations to keep a marriage happy, this is one of them.

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