I hate being touched and it's causing my fiancé and I to argue.. - Page 3 - The Horse Forum
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post #21 of 35 Old 11-18-2013, 07:20 PM
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I'm trying to get more of a sense of what you mean when you say that you get mad when someone touches you, OP. I am not one to jump straight to conclusions, and you already mentioned that this man is the love of your life, okay, that's always a good place to start, but what emotion exactly do you feel when someone touches you? Anger? Fear? Anxiety? A mix? Because all of these emotions could be indicators of different things and mean they take different measures of approach.

I used to be very unaccustomed to touch, and that paired with being the shy child who's solution to problems was run and hide in my closet, I would get extremely frightened when someone would try to hug or hold me or my hand- I felt like I couldn't get away. At first I had no idea where the fear was stemming from, but with some time and talks with my best friends we figured it out.

Enter the boyfriend (most likely future fiancé). At this point I knew all about my own fears and explained this to him since day one. He has always been very understanding and compliant when I would tell him where I drew the line, but it was hard for both of us at first. Now, that part of me seems like a distant memory. But it took a good 2+ years to feel that way. Communication is key.

You mentioned that he gets very mopey when you ask him to stop, have you talked with him about this? Have a good sit down and hash out everything. Maybe he has in the past said 'yes honey, I understand' but chances are (esp if he is still reacting to it) he hasn't told you everything on his mind. Relationships are give and take. Talk with him about it. Maybe write out a letter to get your thoughts straight.

Good luck with everything!
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post #22 of 35 Old 11-18-2013, 09:37 PM
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You are engaged to your best friend and don't want to be touched. This is telling me that you don't actually want a physical relationship at all. Is he OK with that? How are you going to have kids if you don't like to be touched? How are you going to nurture your children if you don't' like to be touched? Touching is a HUGE part of a relationship. I am not a touchy-feely type of person, and was raised in a family where hugging just didn't happen. Period. In my adulthood I learned just how important touching is and now make every effort to do my part in it. It doesn't mean I hug everyone or invite everyone to touch me. It does mean that when my son needs a hug, I am OK with sharing a hug. It does mean that when MDH and I seem to be worlds apart, I lean against him when we watch TV.

If you don't want your fiancé touching you, there is an issue that you need to deal with.
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post #23 of 35 Old 11-19-2013, 09:45 PM
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I'm not ok with people who can't just shake hands but feel the need to hug me. We all have our space and unless we are close to that person, entering it doesn't cut it. I can't hug someone who isn't a close relative. With relatives it will be when they arrive and when they leave if they've travelled long distance. When it comes to your fiancé, I agree about seeing a therapist. There may be some issues that go way back that you're not aware of. If you drink each time you have sex, you'll be a full blown alcoholic before the year is up.
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post #24 of 35 Old 11-19-2013, 10:15 PM
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A year is a very short amount of time to get to know anyone, in my opinion. For the first year, you're in a honeymoon stage where everything is rainbows and butterflies. Nothing seems too big to overcome... If there is something that is such a big deal right now, it sounds like you guys need to have a BIG talk.
Does he know that you do not want to be touched? Ever?
It is your prerogative if you don't want to be touched. Some marriages are just about companionship, where sex rarely happens. But, I will be honest, they are not in the majority.
Could you change and/or suck it up? Perhaps.. but to what end? Can you imagine 5 years down the road when maybe you have a newborn grating on your nerves and your husband just wants to cuddle? Or have sex? What will your reaction be?
Unfortunately I can see 5 years down the road your hubby wanting to be physical and you being absolutely against it still, because that's your nature. There is NOTHING wrong with not wanting to be physical, but it is NOT FAIR to your partner to set expectations that you may change over time.
One of two things is highly likely to happen:
1) You do not change, your husband starts to resent that and harbors those feelings against you.
2) You try to change and hate it, but you do it anyways to keep your hubby happy. You start to resent it, and start harboring those feelings against him.
Either way, and I hate to say this, but it is a BIG DEAL and should NOT be ignored. Sex and intimacy is one of the leading factors for couples' unhappiness - and this is an extreme case. You having to be drunk to have sex is a HUGE DEAL. Huge. I cannot stress this enough. Sexual compatibility is a GIGANTIC deal in a relationship.
You may love him with all your heart, yes, but you do have to remember that you are very young. What about the stress of kids or finances on top of this stress?

I think you guys have a LOT of thinking and talking to do, and some major soul searching to do as well.

I hate to say it, and it may hurt a lot to hear, but my gut feeling is that this is something that may not be fixable. If you two decide to stay together, please please please seek counselling before you get married. There are lots of free resources out there, you just have to be willing to spend the time to find them.


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post #25 of 35 Old 11-19-2013, 10:41 PM
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JDI - very good input there. Actually, I forgot about those marriages that are companionship based. I know people like that and they have been happy for decades! But, in those relationships BOTH partners don't want to touch. Not just one of them. That's the only way it works.
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post #26 of 35 Old 11-20-2013, 12:32 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by JustDressageIt View Post
A year is a very short amount of time to get to know anyone, in my opinion. For the first year, you're in a honeymoon stage where everything is rainbows and butterflies. Nothing seems too big to overcome... If there is something that is such a big deal right now, it sounds like you guys need to have a BIG talk.
Does he know that you do not want to be touched? Ever?
It is your prerogative if you don't want to be touched. Some marriages are just about companionship, where sex rarely happens. But, I will be honest, they are not in the majority.
Could you change and/or suck it up? Perhaps.. but to what end? Can you imagine 5 years down the road when maybe you have a newborn grating on your nerves and your husband just wants to cuddle? Or have sex? What will your reaction be?
Unfortunately I can see 5 years down the road your hubby wanting to be physical and you being absolutely against it still, because that's your nature. There is NOTHING wrong with not wanting to be physical, but it is NOT FAIR to your partner to set expectations that you may change over time.
One of two things is highly likely to happen:
1) You do not change, your husband starts to resent that and harbors those feelings against you.
2) You try to change and hate it, but you do it anyways to keep your hubby happy. You start to resent it, and start harboring those feelings against him.
Either way, and I hate to say this, but it is a BIG DEAL and should NOT be ignored. Sex and intimacy is one of the leading factors for couples' unhappiness - and this is an extreme case. You having to be drunk to have sex is a HUGE DEAL. Huge. I cannot stress this enough. Sexual compatibility is a GIGANTIC deal in a relationship.
You may love him with all your heart, yes, but you do have to remember that you are very young. What about the stress of kids or finances on top of this stress?

I think you guys have a LOT of thinking and talking to do, and some major soul searching to do as well.

I hate to say it, and it may hurt a lot to hear, but my gut feeling is that this is something that may not be fixable. If you two decide to stay together, please please please seek counselling before you get married. There are lots of free resources out there, you just have to be willing to spend the time to find them.
Then there is always the #3 possibility- he finds someone who does like his touch.
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post #27 of 35 Old 11-23-2013, 01:51 PM
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A lot of insurances cover counseling these days so being on your parents insurance might not be the stumbling block you think it is. Definitely something you had better check into in.

Now on to the marriage advice. I can pretty much guarantee not liking to be touched is going to cause problems in marriage to your fiancé or any other man. He's going to resent that you don't want to be touched and you'll resent his resentment because he doesn't get you. That resentment will continue to build until it eventually causes a split up. Just biting the bullet and allowing yourself to be touched at will isn't going to solve the problem either as you'll end up resenting having to do that for him. The only real fix is to figure out why you hate people touching you so much and hopefully once you understand why, get over it.
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post #28 of 35 Old 11-23-2013, 06:23 PM
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I'm glad people have said something about sex and touching being very important in a marriage. I have Always believed this to be true. Unless the marriage is one of just companionship, no touching and no sex will not fly. It's not everything in a marriage, but I believe it is an important component. OP, have you been like this with past boyfriends where you don't want to be touched or just this guy? If it's just this guy, I don't think it is wise to marry him because you don't feel for him like a husband but like a very close friend. And that's okay. But if you can't stand to be touched at all by anyone I think therapy is a wise choice. Not everyone is touchy-feely but if you loathe all touch, that isn't normal I feel. Not trying to be blunt just want you to be able to resolve this!
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post #29 of 35 Old 11-23-2013, 07:11 PM
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I didn't read through all the responses, so I apologize if it's been addressed, but have you been through therapy about your issue? I think if it's an aversion to the physical sensation of being touched, it might be really hard for you to be with someone who needs touching, but if it's an emotional barrier (which it sounds like since you enjoy it when you're drunk), maybe you can work through it.

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post #30 of 35 Old 11-23-2013, 08:27 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by natisha View Post
Then there is always the #3 possibility- he finds someone who does like his touch.

I see this as the most likely possibility!

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