I have to write this down - the past few months and finally getting control again
For the past 7 years i have suffered from crippling depression. At my lowest i couldnt get out of bed and felt physically sick at the thought of meeting people. I couldnt talk in public and would suffer panic attacks. In January 2013 i ditched the anti depressents as i felt they were not working and fought to have control over my life. I had ballooned in weight over the years, as 7 years ago i suffered an accident at work and due to this was left with a permanent disability in my leg after breaking it in 7 places. The inability (from being super fit) and the depression made me binge eat. I decided i had enough and went on a dite. I did really well up until a week before my birthday.
My dad got diagnosed with cancer for the 4th time in 5 years. Unfortuinately yhis time it was much worse. I was a very rare form of cancer and classed as grade 5 bowel and rectum cancer. (t5m1). He was told unless he underwent a massive opperation he would die. Chemotherapy that he had in the past for previous cancer episodes would not work and his bowel integrity was breaking down. We asked how many years he had if he didnt have the op - i still remember the consultant sitting oposite us and explaining it was a matter of weeks, not years. He told us under no circumstances the cancer if left will spread. It was very agressive and between the time of diagnosis and operation have grown quite considerably to the point dad ended up having more intestine taken out then initial thought about.
That dad my whole world fell about around me and well unfortunately as far as my own health was concerned, i fell off the wagon :(. I had lost almost 2 stone and was proud of myself. I felt fitter and happier than i had in years. But within 3 weeks of dad diagnosis he underwent what we thought would be a big op. Nothing prepared us for what would happen.
Dad had his rectum, entire large intestine and all but 12 foot of his small intestine removed because of the cancer. Because of this he was fitted with a permanent stoma bag. Unfortunately he suffered blader paralysis as a side effect and is also on a catheter. Something went wrong in the operation, they couldnt stablise him after and 10 hours after he came round for his op he bled out in recovery and was sent back in for another op. For 4 hours they operated as he bled out on the table. He had 10 units of blood pumped into him, 6 units of plasms and platelets also as it was noted he had a platelet level of 28 (a side effect of his past chemo). He came out of the op unable to breath for himself so was medically sedated and put onto a ventilator in ICU where he stayed for over a week. It was 7 days before he could breath for himself. However on day 8 he started to bleed again and he was rushed in for more surgery. His entire pelvis region was packed with gauze to apply pressure as it was just bleeding and the blood not clotting correctly. This happened 2 more times until finally after 6 weeks he started to improve but it became obvious to everyone at this point he had not accepted the lifestyle he now had to lead.
To put it bluntly, my dad was gone. He was resentful and hateful and at times it was horrible to sit there whilst he would rant at me in hospital about how hard his life was. I am sure i come across as not carinf but let me explain first. I am not an only child, i have an older disabled brother (autism and downs syndrome) who is lovely but very very demanding. I work full time (37.5 hours basic) and am on call most weeks (up to an extra 48 hours overnight on call per week which can mean i can work from 8am monday morning through to 3:15pm friday without a break). Due to my brother my mum does not work and is a carer for him (she is a marvelous mum and my idol), so i am the only means of financial stability for my family. My dad used to own and run a very successful building suppliers but when he was first diagnosed with cancer 5 years ago he became too ill and the company was dissolved. He hasnt worked since. My dad can be selfish and very inward and growing up has never been there for me. This means that my dad and I are not close and at this point in time i really regret this as i feel i have lost him.
I could not be off work all this time and so would jugle my work like with visiting dad, its taken its toll on me. I have lived on crap food eatten late and night and my nerves. My depression has kicked in again recently and i am very down. But to hell if i am out!
Dad is now home and thankfully on the mend and now i can focus on myself again. I have lived on high sugar and carb foods, quick snacks and eating late at night thanks to the turmoil of all off this. But dads bowel cancer is enough to scare me to look myself in the mirror and realise that at 26 years of age i need more control over food and to learn to say no!
So... 10 days ago i weight a whooping 15 st and 6 pounds, today i weigh 14 stone 7 pounds (a weight loss of 13 pounds) just but cutting out soft drinks, take aways and not snaking. Today i started on the shakes. Please wish me luck. I have started to develop stretch marks and combined with scars form an accident and operation i suffered 7 years back my confidence is at an all time low. If i do not lose weight i know i will die. I feel unhealthy, been having chest pain and concerned that my diet will cause me to get cancer like dad had (4 of his brothers and 1 sister currently have/are in remission of bowel cancer also). There is a genetic link, dad admits he ate a crap diet for years. I do not want to go through what he has :(
I need to regain the control i once had. I know my diet is 99% responsible for how crap i feel and i know only i can do something about it. No pill in the world will help and i dont want a pill, i want a lifestyle overhall.
So, in writing this you will have to bear with me as i fight my past demons and become the woman i long to be.