I just need to vent and get it out.
So I'm just going to vent here...you don't have to read it but kudos to you if you can make it all the way through my tear fest.
I'm really starting to learn that God will put you where He wants you to be, whether it's part of your 10 year plan or not....I had big dreams for Jackson and I. Ya know, in 3 years you'd see us at all the majors rodeos in the country and in an interview, I'd say I couldn't have made it this far without my little yella horse and God's grace. They were just dreams but I mean still, a girl can dream. Then I came home on Tuesday, May 7th and my entire plans for our future changed. It has been the hardest year of my life. God has tested me in ways that I didn't know I was capable of handling, but apparently I am. I got a job, which was a huge blessing. I'm being pulled in a million different directions by a million different people asking me to do this or that for them. All of the horses but Blaze I've had for so long are gone. I sold Rebel and Jasper & Angel went back to their old owners within 2 weeks time. Blaze would have been by himself for the first time in 10 years, if not his whole life. So my trainer offered to sell her palomino 2yro to me for an amazing deal. So I packed him up and brought him home on April 16th, 2013. I was on Cloud 9, especially when he and Blaze became inseparable. Jackson was turning 3 in August so we started him in light riding once a week and I would lunge him occasionally. He was the most amazing 2yro I had ever seen of heard of. You could have shot a gun off by his head and he would have barely blinked. I could do anything to this horse and he wouldn't move a muscle. I let myself fall head-over-heels in love with him and I didn't know how it would come to play later. He had been acting weird for awhile and we thought it was from the 10 acres of good grass that he was on at my barn, when he had never been on such good grazing. He would be down in the dumps for a few days then he would be fine. I didn't worry too much about him and my trainer wasn't either. Then on May 6th, he got really bad. All he wanted to do was lay down and do nothing. It started to worry me the next morning so I was gonna call the vet when I got home from work and ask him what he thought was wrong with Jackson and what should I do. My trainer was going to come over and look at him, too. Then I came home and my mother offered to drive me down to the barn and I took her up on it. We parked up by the house and started to walk toward the barn and we saw Jackson lying down in the pasture near the fence. As soon as I saw him, I just got this feeling in my chest and I knew something was terribly wrong. As I got closer, I couldn't see him breathing and I started to panic. I turned the fence off and I ran up to him and I saw him there and him not breathing, with his eyes staring at nothing and I knew he was dead. My hands went to my mouth in shock and I broke down. 3 weeks after he got here, my beloved colt was gone in an instant. And there was nothing I could do. I never cry but I've never cried so hard and so much in my life since I found Jackson. I called my trainer in tears and she came with some other girls I ride with. By the time they got here, I had calmed down some and could finally breathe again. She told me to go back to my house so I wouldn't have to see them moving him and burying him. The only place we could bury him was outside my house, so every time I look outside and see the mound of dirt marking all that's left of my sweet baby boy, I lose it. Jessica looked him over and said he had coliced. He was so bloated from it that by the time I found him, he looked pregnant. It turns out that it had nothing to do with whatever was going on with him before, but if I had checked on him again after lunch maybe I could have prevented it. I know it wasn't my fault and there was nothing I could do, but still I wonder if the outcome would have been different if I hadn't been running late that day. It's been 2 days since he became an angel and I'm still on the brink of losing it. How did I get so attached to Jacks in 3 weeks? When is this heartbreak ever going to end? I know God ordained this for a reason so I just have to trust him and pray that everything works out. Thank you for sticking with me if you read all of this.
I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.
~ Philippians 4:13