I lost my kitten, and I now I think I'm losing my mind? - The Horse Forum
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post #1 of 5 Old 10-01-2011, 01:25 AM Thread Starter
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Unhappy I lost my kitten, and I now I think I'm losing my mind?

I’m a university junior. I live with my parents and younger siblings in a house on acreage in the country.

In august, my parents let me get a kitten I found on Craigslist, as a sort of birthday present (my 20th). She was found on the side of the road, in a box. She was the loud one no one wanted.

I have two jobs. One of which is at a vet clinic. So since I’ve had my kitten, we’ve been there 3 times. Her vaccine, she had a reaction, two weeks ago, and we went back. I was so scared she was going to die, and leave me. All my coworkers met her. And the cat rescue lady, who’s a client--she and I both think she was HIGH % Siamese. Her behavior was unlike any cat I’ve ever met--vocal, happy, intelligent, busy--all things I read and learned are trademark of the breed. Like a dog..in a cat's body. I never thought I liked cats this much--I always pegged myself as more of a dog person, but this was unbelievable.

She learned to swim, in the pool. And liked it. She liked being wherever you were. I’ve only had her a month, and already she wormed her way more into my heart than my german shepherd has in years.

I’m taking an 18 credit course load, at uni. Ive had a couple of REALLY bad things happen in the last month. Each time, I come home and hold this crazy little cat. I do my homework with her. I listen to music with her. I shower with her. And somehow, things are better and I’m not as stressed. She is the one thing about my home life I like coming home to.

While I was at work Wednesday night, my family let her outside, and didn't put her in her kennel. Just left the baby out. And took my sister to volleyball practice. No surprise when they got home...she is gone.

Found her last night. Dead, in the yard, in one piece, no wounds to be seen. The black lab killed her. A LABRADOR RETRIEVER. I can't stop crying.
SHE SHOULDN'T HAVE BEEN OUTSIDE, NOT BEING WATCHED. PERIOD. ITS TOO DANGEROUS FOR CATS. No one cared. I even PRAYED yesterday, in the LIBRARY, got down on my knees and put my face into the ground and PRAYED she'd be okay. Lot of good that did.

Today, I have cried all day. In public. It's embarassing. I never CRY. And I haven't cried in public in years. I keep telling myself she’s coming back. She’s not really gone. She’s not dead, at 4 months old. She’s really okay and she’s gonna show up laying on my bed any minute, like she was on Tuesday night while I played cat noises on my phone and hid it around the room so she chased it. And I'm going to get to have her for the next 15, years, the way it's supposed to be. And she's gonna be there, be with me when I move out, and when I start my life on my own. She's gonna be there. Because she can't be dead. She's an innocent baby.

Tonight, I cannot remember how old my sisters are. AND I ran a red light. Just plowed through. i'M SO LUCKY no one was coming. I’m losing it. I've BEEN losing IT--my moods since school started have become more and more erratic, and this feeling of hopelessness. The cat was the final straw.

In some sick twisted corner of my mind, I had the presence of mind to look at the paper tonight. There’s an ad in there for apple head Siamese kittens. I called. As it turns out, the elderly lady lives about 45 mins from me. They’re purebreds, 8 weeks old. All females. All seal points. All exact replicas of my kitty. Somehow, I feel like I could get one, and it wouldn’t be like she’s really gone. It wouldn’t be her, but subconsciously, she wouldn’t have to be gone gone. That somehow, I will have her almost back. As close as I will ever get. And it will never leave my room again, and I will always have her. Almost like a do over, and turning back time.
I know it wouldn’t fix it..But am I SICK for even thinking this? I'm sorry. I had to tell someone.

Note to anyone who's wondering...cats aren't suppose to be outside. Ever. Until the world ends.
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post #2 of 5 Old 10-01-2011, 02:36 AM
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I am so, so very sorry for you. It is truly heartbreaking to read your post. I felt my heart just constrict and I felt sick to imagine the kitty lyint there. I adore my cats and I know how they can totally weasel their ways into your heart. My mom has a Saimese, and he is just a character.
What a terrible loss.

Had your cat ever been outside before? My cats have been coming in and out all their lives, so they are familar with the outdoors and don't go farther than about one house in any direction, mostly staying in our yard 95% of the time, or indoors , as is their prference. But, if a cat is not used to being outdoors, it must be introduced to it slowly and with supervision. And ,as you said , it really is not safe for them outdoors. I chose to hvae my cats be outdoors kittles becasue I had children when they were little who could not be trusted to keep the doors shut, so I figured that if the cats grew up aware of the outdoors, they would be better off than if they were indoor cats who accidently go out one time.

In any case, kittens should never be allowed to go out unsupervised.

Oh, here I am yakking on. I just really wanted to say how very sorry I am and you must allow yourself some time to grieve. Stay home a day if necessary and just cry until you can't cry any more, if such a thing exists. But don't let anyone try to diminish the depth of the loss by saying, "it's just a cat".
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post #3 of 5 Old 10-01-2011, 03:08 AM
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So very sorry about the cat.

I watched my cat die in front of me, it's not fun. My sister had run over him, and she was tore up. I saw it happen, he didn't move out of the way for some reason (He always does). I didn't cry till my sister left. I knew crying in front of her would have just made it worse. I still mistakenly call him in at night, and that tears me to the core.

So sorry for your loss.
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post #4 of 5 Old 10-07-2011, 11:16 AM
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I'm sorry for your loss.

Seems that you've hard times going on your life at the moment. Would it be able to pop up to tell about your feelings to someone? Someone at university? Your family or a good friend?

Hang on there. Even it feels bad now, and let yourself to mourn, it'll get easier once.

"On hyviä vuosia, kauniita muistoja, mutta kuitenkaan, en saata unohtaa,
Että koskaan en ole yksin, varjo seuraa onneain.
Vaikka myrsky hetkeksi tyyntyykin, varjo seuraa onneain.
Ja pian taas uusin hönkäyksin, varjo seuraa onneain.
Hei tuu mun luo, pieneksi hetkeksi. Puhutaan, varjoni, valkoiseksi enkeliksi."

Pelle Miljoona - Varjo seuraa onneain

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post #5 of 5 Old 10-09-2011, 07:43 AM
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I am very sorry for your loss and I do understand. However, it seems there is a bit more going on here that you may want to have checked out by a professional. You seem to have something else going on emotionally in addition to this you said:
I've BEEN losing IT--my moods since school started have become more and more erratic, and this feeling of hopelessness. The cat was the final straw.
I think this says something loud and clear.. you are struggling and were struggling before this happened.

I suggest you get another cat (if you can) and be sure and certain you are her caretaker and that you can trust anyone else who cares for her. I also suggest that you see a counselor to investigate more fully these feelings of hopelessness that were with you before the incident with your kitten.

Again, I am so sorry for the death of your cat.

I wanted to add that just because a dog is a particular breed, does not make that dog automatically safe or unsafe around cats. I have two German Shepherds who are supposed to be a bad breed with cats. I also have 5 cats. The dogs are trained and the cats are safe. Of course I never leave the dogs and cats alone together.

No breed of dog is 'always' friendly or 'always' vicious!

There is something about the outside of a horse that is good for the inside of a man. ~Winston Churchill
(or woman!!!! ) Dinosaur Horse Trainer
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