Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: Ontario, Canada
I am so sorry you are dealing with all of this. I went through something similar when my folks split, although I was older than you (18), and it was my Dad who cheated on my Mom.
I think it's unhealthy for you to keep in all these feelings. I agree with PP that it was on the cusp of inappropriate for your dad to tell you the details of the divorce. He may have felt he needed to get it out, but you should not be his sounding board on this issue - he's the adult and your father and should know not to burden you with this info. What did he expect you to do with this new info after he made you say you wouldn't speak to your mom about it - obviously it was going to eat away at you. It's unfair of him to burden you with it as it could create ill feelings towards your mother. About the boob job - those are unrelated things. I wouldn't make a big deal about it. I want a boob job too, after I'm done having my babies and nursing them and it has nothing to do with "flaunting". Realize that what he perceived as flaunting may not have been. Sometimes a woman does these things for herself just to make herself feel better and it has nothing to do with anyone else. I have a feeling this a hard concept for a lot of men to understand - that a woman would want to improve her appearance JUST for herself and NOT for a man!
I'm not trying to excuse your mother for cheating if that is what happened. Cheating in my mind is inexcusable. However there are two sides to every story and after hearing how your dad has been behaving, I would take what he says with a grain of salt. You said he holds grudges - I should hope he wouldn't hold them against his own kids. If he does, it's not your fault.
If you do want to talk about it with your mom and not betray your dad's confidence, maybe go to your mom and say you need to have an honest talk with her about how their divirce came to fruition. Maybe suggest to her that you have a few memories about how things went down that are sketchy, or just say that you always wondered if there was infidelity involved. Again, I will say that there is no excuse for cheating, but there may have been extenuating circumstaces - their marriage may have already been crumbling. Marriage is a tough road, and it's easy to build resentment and distain for your spouse. All I am going to suggest is that your mom may not be the only villain here.
I DO feel that you need to talk to both of your parents. Maybe suggest to your dad that you don't like to hear all the negative stuff about your mom. Obviously you love her and you live with her, right? So how is it beneficial for him to slander her to you? And just have an honest talk with your mom and tell her how important it is to you to know what really happened. That's how the healing started with me and my folks. We had to come completely clean with eachother. The biggest rule we established is that Neither parent was allowed to speak negatively about the other.
Sorry for the novel - I just feel like reaching throught the screen ang giving you a big hug. It is a tough thing you are going through.
Keep me updated!
~Lindsay~ Mom of 2, wife to the goldsmith, doula and childbirth educator in training, life-long horse dork