I need BIG advice. I discovered the real reason behind my parents divorce... - The Horse Forum
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post #1 of 19 Old 04-26-2010, 04:22 PM Thread Starter
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I need BIG advice. I discovered the real reason behind my parents divorce...

My dad told me last year ( my dad lives four states away from my mom. I live with my mom and visit my dad ) when we were alone at the house. He said he couldn't lie straight to my eyes. Last year I was thirteen, now I'm fourteen. My dad said that my mom cheated on him( my mom had told me all these years that she divorced my dad to move back to her home state because she missed her family). He also told me at that time that he and his girlfriend ( or so I thought ) had been married for a year and have also been trying for a kid for a year. And that's when I also found out my mom got a boob job a few years back ( my dad didn't mean to spill that secret, he thought I already knew ). My dad said that he bought a phone tapper thing where you can record phone conversations and listen to them later ( illegal, yes, but my dad had to know ). My dad used it and listened to my mom giggling and flirting with her boyfriend. My dad said that my mom planned on moving him and me and my brother ( babies at the time ) to my mom's home state where the guy lived and where my mom's family lived. Then my mom would divorce him and keep me and my brother... pretty much ruining his life.
My dad was so... hurt. He... I can't even explain. He was in tears telling me. I've never seen my dad cry. He was in tears when he was telling me the last time he saw my brother and I before mom stormed out the door with us.
My dad said that my mom would always flaunt her new boobs and was so into guys. I told my mom I found out about her boob job ( from an old memory I had, and from photos... and the fact that she's 39 and still completely purky! ) My mom said the boob job was because when she lost weight she had like no boobs. But my dad said it was to flaunt... I was getting mad at my mom because she had lied to me all these years ( I had asked her before and she said they're natural ), but only because of what my dad said... Anyway, mom said I was too young to know and maybe I'm not ready to even know now ( because I was flipping out on her. only because of what my dad told me... I saw old pictures of mom skinny in a bikini and she had boobs. ).
About the cheating, my mom and I were talking and I asked her what her first boyfriend's name was after she divorced dad and she said "Chris." Which was the name my dad said who she left him for. I asked my mom why her and chris ever broke up. She replied saying he was "an asswhole". I've never heard her swear at one of her ex boyfriends. Ever.
Anyway... it's been a year and my mom still doesn't know I know the truth. I've kept it a secret this long just as my dad made me promise. Sometimes I think bad of my mom because of what I know but there is two sides to a story. I want to ask mom about it so bad... I tried once but I started to feel sick. My dad holds grudges. BIG grudges. If I told my mom and my dad found out he probably wouldn't talk to me for a year. He really does hold grudges. But what I know is really starting to put me down... like I know this is unhealthy, to keep such a big secret. As you read earlier about my dad getting married without me knowing and trying for a kid ( my step mom got pregnant but had a miscarriage... she was an emotional wreck after that because she's obsessed with having a kid ), my family is messed up and I'm in the middle of it. My brother doesn't know about my mom's boob job or about the real reason behind the divorce. Though he a year older than me, he's very immature and could never handle the truth.
I'm asking... what should I do?! This secret is tugging at me and I hate thinking bad about my mom sometimes, because there is two sides to a story as I said. I'm sooo confused. If I told my mom she would tell my dad and my dad wouldn't talk to me for years ( trust me, he wouldn't. ).
My life is messed up. It really is. And I need advice.
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post #2 of 19 Old 04-26-2010, 04:42 PM
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You definately need to talk to someone about how you feel. Keeping all that confusion, anger, and resentment bottled up inside is NOT good! Although I think you should talk to your mom about it, I understand that may be difficult for your relationship with her and your dad. Do you have a counselor at school? Just being able to get it off your chest and take an outsider's advice may make you feel a little better. Sometimes just feeling like you're under the pressure of keeping a secret makes it that much harder. Just remember that the relationship between your parents has NOTHING to do with their relationship with you. Hugs!!

Smart people listen. Not so smart people think they do not need to hear what others have to say.
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post #3 of 19 Old 04-26-2010, 05:00 PM
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Here's what I would do: 1) Don't ever tell your brother, as you've so far intuited not to 2) Don't ask your mom any more questions, because you already know the truth & don't want to put her on the spot & tempt her to fib. She's still to be honored because she's your mother, so enjoy her positive qualities & know that G-d is the Perfect Judge. I don't know how wise it was for Dad to tell you all this, at your young age, especially. Perhaps you have a best friend whom you can confide in? One more thing: this isn't the last time people will disappoint you greatly; it's human nature to be selfish. It makes me scuttle back to G-d! I send healing vibes your way; it made me sad for you to read your post!
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post #4 of 19 Old 04-26-2010, 05:01 PM
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It sounds horrible, but you can't let it get to you. My mother cheated on my dad, and I told him and she blamed their divorce on me. At first I felt like crap and believed that it was true, I realized it wasn't true. I suppose you need to accept it and move on.

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post #5 of 19 Old 04-26-2010, 09:37 PM
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I am so sorry you are dealing with all of this. I went through something similar when my folks split, although I was older than you (18), and it was my Dad who cheated on my Mom.
I think it's unhealthy for you to keep in all these feelings. I agree with PP that it was on the cusp of inappropriate for your dad to tell you the details of the divorce. He may have felt he needed to get it out, but you should not be his sounding board on this issue - he's the adult and your father and should know not to burden you with this info. What did he expect you to do with this new info after he made you say you wouldn't speak to your mom about it - obviously it was going to eat away at you. It's unfair of him to burden you with it as it could create ill feelings towards your mother. About the boob job - those are unrelated things. I wouldn't make a big deal about it. I want a boob job too, after I'm done having my babies and nursing them and it has nothing to do with "flaunting". Realize that what he perceived as flaunting may not have been. Sometimes a woman does these things for herself just to make herself feel better and it has nothing to do with anyone else. I have a feeling this a hard concept for a lot of men to understand - that a woman would want to improve her appearance JUST for herself and NOT for a man!
I'm not trying to excuse your mother for cheating if that is what happened. Cheating in my mind is inexcusable. However there are two sides to every story and after hearing how your dad has been behaving, I would take what he says with a grain of salt. You said he holds grudges - I should hope he wouldn't hold them against his own kids. If he does, it's not your fault.
If you do want to talk about it with your mom and not betray your dad's confidence, maybe go to your mom and say you need to have an honest talk with her about how their divirce came to fruition. Maybe suggest to her that you have a few memories about how things went down that are sketchy, or just say that you always wondered if there was infidelity involved. Again, I will say that there is no excuse for cheating, but there may have been extenuating circumstaces - their marriage may have already been crumbling. Marriage is a tough road, and it's easy to build resentment and distain for your spouse. All I am going to suggest is that your mom may not be the only villain here.
I DO feel that you need to talk to both of your parents. Maybe suggest to your dad that you don't like to hear all the negative stuff about your mom. Obviously you love her and you live with her, right? So how is it beneficial for him to slander her to you? And just have an honest talk with your mom and tell her how important it is to you to know what really happened. That's how the healing started with me and my folks. We had to come completely clean with eachother. The biggest rule we established is that Neither parent was allowed to speak negatively about the other.
Sorry for the novel - I just feel like reaching throught the screen ang giving you a big hug. It is a tough thing you are going through.
Keep me updated!

~Lindsay~ Mom of 2, wife to the goldsmith, doula and childbirth educator in training, life-long horse dork
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post #6 of 19 Old 04-26-2010, 10:00 PM
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Your dad was out of line by telling you this stuff. But in my experience, that what split-ups do -- one side accuses the other and back. The truth seems to be whatever someone tells, believes or listens to at the moment. What you need to know is that their relationship and subsequent break-up is THEIR story, not yours. Neither one of them should be explaining or accusing to your ears. Your story is the life you have had while you lived with both of them and while you live with one or the other and while you live on your own, etc. etc.

I have spent many hours telling a child recently how she does not need to feel any responsiblity toward her dad's guilt, her mom's depression, the break-up or any of it. You need to be strong to tell both of them to stop any time they start to "explain". They can explain all they want to their peers and their counsellors but not their children. It will be extremely difficult now, but somehow you need to distance yourself from what you've been told and just go with your own relationship with each of them, with both of them. You may need some guidance and I urge you to find a dispassionate counsellor to give you blocks to build upon. DISpassionate, not uncompassionate. There is a difference.
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post #7 of 19 Old 04-27-2010, 08:07 AM
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It was wrong of your dad to put his burden on you!

Please find yourself a counselor and talk to them. You need to have someone you trust to talk these things out with.
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post #8 of 19 Old 04-27-2010, 09:18 AM
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My very honest opinion is that your dad is playing unfair games when he tells all that to you and then, to crown all, makes you promise not to talk with your mom about it. That's not the way that mature parent acts. The divorce was something that happened between your parents and reasons behind it are something that belongs just to them, they shouldn't involve you or your brother in them.

I agree with others, don't let that thing eat you mentally anymore but talk about it with someone. Tips that sheisinthebarn's gave sounds IMO great. Perhaps you can clean the atmoshpere talking about the divorce with you mom, without getting the things that you dad said involved?

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post #9 of 19 Old 04-27-2010, 09:22 AM
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I agree with Always. No way should your father have told you ANY of this. All he was trying to do was put a rift between you and your mother, which is horribly wrong and terribly immature.

Was your mother right for having an affair? Absolutely not! But since your father appears to be an immature, selfish little boy, I'm beginning to see just why she might have felt the need to have some real adult company in her life.

Plus, what does her having breast augmentation have to do with anything? Many women have the surgery, and it doesn't make them cheating floozies.

Your father deliberately and with malice aforethought decided to tell you, a child, all these horrible things about your mother. He knew exactly what he was doing, and the fact that you're afraid he'll stop talking to you if you confront your mother and she tells him what you said, just shows me that he's a vindictive, whiney little boy.

Please go talk to a counselor or another adult whom you trust. You need to get this off your chest. Your mother isn't necessarily the bad guy here, but your father wants to make sure you think she is, and that's just wrong.
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post #10 of 19 Old 04-27-2010, 09:35 AM
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Speed covered pretty much everything I was getting ready to post. You have been put in a horrible position - one that you should never have been put in in the first place. I hope you will find yourself someone to talk with about this.
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