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I need to get this off my chest....

2K views 26 replies 21 participants last post by  natisha 
#1 · (Edited by Moderator)
So I don't know anyone I can talk to about this, because no one is taking me seriously. So I need to get it off my chest.

My mother-in-law hates me. Maybe its because of the fact I am the second wife of my man, and she resents the fact I am not Natalie (his first wife).

Maybe its the fact there is a fair age gap between us. (8 years).

Maybe its because I'm not pregnant.

But she hates me with a passion. At her house, I offered to help with making dinner, she accepted. Fve minutes in, she told me I was doing it wrong, called me a 'failure at being a wife' and told me to not bother trying to help again. The next day? Screamed at me for never offering to help.
She belittles me for have Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder from childhood abuse, and says I am weak for not wanting forgiving the man who beat me.

She told my husband's cousin that none of his friends like me, and that the whole family hate me (I have met only his siblings, and I actually talk to his friends regularly and they seem to quite like me). She calls me a user on a regular basis, and since we moved interstate to begin a life on our own together, she has ousted him from the family. She didn't tell him his niece was born (found out from his brother's friend's sister on Facebook), and didn't bother to call or text him for Christmas, his birthday or the New Year.

My own mother said, "Oh I am sure its not that bad!"
.....Clearly, it is.

Any advice from someone who has been in a similar situation? Or just someone who can tell me if I am just over-reacting by being offended? Though to be honest, I highly doubt I am....
 
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#3 ·
It is just very sad that her behaviour has lead my husband and I to decide to keep our lives so separate from her that if we have children, they will not meet her until she changes her attitude because my husband is worried she will spew horrible opinions of me to them. I always pictured having a better family than the one I grew up with, and it makes me very sad to think that because of her refusal to try and get to know me, my children may miss out on a grandparent.
 
#4 ·
I can relate to not getting along with a MIL, but not to the degree that you are dealing with. Take it as a blessing that your husband is able to see things from your point of view, and take comfort in the fact that he is willing to stand by your side through this. If she wants to behave like that, let her. You have your own family, and she can choose to like it or lump it. If you don't have to deal with her behaviour, then don't. Let her carry on the way she is, and she will end up a very lonely unhappy woman.

My MIL doesn't like me, infact I haven't spoken to or seen her in several months at this stage. My husband won't stick up for me, and I find in incredibly frustrating that he lets her be such a condescending cow towards me. I know I'll never be good enough for her, but I just get on with things. She rarely sees the kids, and I didn't hear a peep out of her over Christmas - I refused to go this year and told DH that it was time we started our own Christmas dinner. Every year I was force to go up there, help her with dinner, help clean up and have her insult me throughout the process. The one year I didn't help prepare dinner (I had a young baby) she was downright rude and made DH handwash all the dishes (claiming the dishwasher was broken, yet it worked fine the next day!).

I used to let it get me down, but now I've hit a stage where I really can not be bothered. If she wants to make a song and dance about not seeing my kids enough, why doesn't she hop in the car and drive to us?! I've gotten over it, and you will to. People make choices in life, and her attitude will get her nowhere. Those closest to her will start to fall away and she will regret her action. You make your family - which is your husband and yourself for now, happy. When/if kids come into the picture - your family is yourself, husbands and kids - nobody else need interfere.

Best of luck, and I hope that she sees sense soon.
 
#5 · (Edited by Moderator)
Well my MIL told me I was just out to get the farm and was using sex to get her son in my clutches.... This was when I was a 19 year old virgin who'd been seeing him for only two months, so yeah I feel your pain!
If I tried to help around the house, it was implying I could do it better; if I helped around the farm, I was ignoring her; when we got married she said it would never last .( been married 16 years now) When we had kids she told me I was a failure as a mother and that I was deliberately starving my baby because I was breast feeding him exclusively; he was six WEEKS old!
There are soooo many examples of what a witch she could be. Hard thing about it is we live less than 100meters apart on the same farm and for ten years I worked on the farm too. Also, she could be nice as pie when hubby or others were around.
When this all started I was too young and immature to do much, and I let it get to me way too much. I'm pretty stubborn, and I decided early on that I loved my hubby, and if I wanted him I had to deal with her. Thought I was getting on top of it until we had kids, but that opened up a whole other can of worms, which along with me getting post-natal depression after my second child, was a recipe for disaster!
Eventually I learnt to let it go, I can't change her, and I refuse to let her affect me. Now she knows not to push my buttons because it gets her nowhere. I do my own thing, I don't care if she likes it or not and I refuse to discuss it with her. It's easier now I work off the farm and the kids are older, but I've survived for 19 years, and have been happy with myself and how I've handled her on the whole.
Good luck
 
#7 · (Edited by Moderator)
I'm really sorry you are going through this. I know you're not the only one with MIL problems, however this sounds a bit extreme. I personally think your husband needs to tell her to back the heck off...under no situation is it okay to scream at you. At that point of hostility in the situation I think he needs to get involved.
 
#8 ·
Sorry she is like that. I really do get it. My mother was the evil one. Truly evil. She treated my sister-in-laws and my husband like you are describing….and would even make statements in public that were so inappropriate it made my jaw drop. I could really tell some stories. Anyway, for some reason, at least in my family, the men(my brothers and dad) coddled her and put up with this behavior. I will never understand that. My sister-in-laws loved my dad, he loved them, and they managed to put up with her. I, on the other hand, cut her no slack. I did not put up with her carp….and when she said things to and about my DH-she heard about it. We also moved out of state-it was the best thing we ever did. She was then mad that we took her grandkids away from her, and, unfortunately, my kids have very few good memories of her, and in fact, went to her funeral for me, and to support me. She got no better as she aged, unfortunately. When we took her to see my dad when he was dying-she looked at him, and said she had a hair appointment and needed to leave. SHe was a very sad person, looking back on it, and lived a very shallow, meaningless life.

I would recommend that your DH just deal with her behavior as it happens, and not let her bad mouth you. He needs to call her out on it.

Good luck-I wouldn't wish this on anyone. It is definitely a strain on a relationship. My DH and I got to the point that we could laugh about it together-it was just SO crazy…..after 30 years of marriage she still would ask me "Are you still with HIM?" Never using his name. It is HER that is the problem, not you, and it took me years to realize that at her age, she was not going to change.
 
#9 ·
Moderator Note-
Just a friendly reminder- we are a PG rated forum and several rather adult words have been cleaned up a little.
While I realize folks were just relating things that were said to or about them, I think the point is understood just as well without using non PG words. :D
Carry on...
 
#10 ·
I've always believed that any problems caused by my family were mine to deal with and hubby's were his. It's worked out pretty well because neither of us will get involved with the other's family member if they're misbehaving. Since you've moved out of state, the problem should be pretty self limiting. It's sad that the kids will miss out on one grandparent but really? Do you want your kids exposed to that kind of vitriol? I would not and wouldn't allow her anywhere near them.
 
#11 ·
Where is your husband in all this? I think it also falls on him and he should set her straight. He can't make her like you but he should insist that she at least be respectful to you.

My ex's mother was a piece of work as well. She told him that she didn't like me either. Problem was, she hadn't even met me yet. Then after she met me she told him, "I like the way she dresses but I think you should still be with Debbie" (his ex who cheated on him.)

For Christmas the first year she bought me 2 presents. One was a full length, long sleeve nightgown with a turtle neck. I didn't even think they made those but I suspect there was a message in it. She also gave me a pair of jeans that were like a size 34 and I was at that time a size 2. I could literally wrap them around the outside of me a few time. I thanked her profusely for her generosity and then donated both items to the thrift store but I wasn't going to allow her to win by being upset by it. ha ha

I keep telling my sister who has 3 sons that I pray she isn't so controlling that she will be so rude to a woman who is trying to have a relationship with her son.
 
#12 ·
There is no reason that this woman should continue to be a part of your life. I know that it's easier said than done, but I would push her out if she is going to be such a rotten person. Have a discussion with your husband and explain that you will push her out if she does not straighten up. This is not something that you should be dealing with. My mom's grandmother was this same way when she was growing up. She loved certain family members (her brother and sister, nephew, etc) and HATED others, such as my mom and her niece. Because she lived with my mothers family growing up the home life was awful. Distance yourself- like my great grandma, women like these need to be out of your life. You don't deserve this treatment.
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#13 ·
Aaah, so no one is good enough for her sonny boy. She may have had a lot to do with why the first marriage failed as it can create a lot of marital stress. My father was somewhat badmouthing my BIL who wasn't present. I reminded my father that his attitude was rather damaging to my sister's relationship with her husband and that we all have enough to cope with without the negative input from relatives.
 
#14 ·
So sorry you are going through this. Some people are just mean.

My own MIL was very mean to me. And, she gossiped about me to others in our smallish town. Some told me, with sympathy, what she was saying. Her treatment to me and the tales she told really hurt my feelings. At first.

A wise, older woman suggested that MIL had a sickness. Whether psychological or spiritual, it didn't matter. She suggested that when I thought of my MIL, I picture her in the window of a hospital. It did help take the sting from MILs words.

I did, once, send MIL a bill. It was for material my existence provided as gossip fodder. "x" hours at "y" rate = total. I noticed she toned it down after that.

My children avoid her. She missed out on a lot.
 
#15 ·
I know it's unfair that someone who should love you is being so cruel.

But, remember, words are only that. Everyone has an opinion. In the end, the only person she is really going to be hurting is herself, as she is going to miss out on the lives of potential grandchildren.

In my opinion, she is acting like a child.
 
#16 ·
I am so sorry that your mil is like that. No one should have to deal with someone like that. Like others have said, is HER who is going to be missing out, and HER that has the problem. Your kids will be much better off without her in their lives, as hard as that is to say, because grandparents should be a part of every kids life, but they don't need to be around her negativity. I would talk with your husband, and as long as he's on the same page, have him nicely tell his mother that you guys will no longer be visiting because she can't be respectful to you. At this point it's not even a matter of being nice, it's just a matter of basic respect, and you deserve to demand that respect. If she's not willing to change, then she's the one who's going to suffer, and who's going to miss out on some amazing moments. You already had one abusive relationship in your life, and you are strong enough to not want to continue that pattern, so the best thing is to not be around her. Your kids will thank you later in life when they are old enough for you to explain why you never go to grandma's house. Good luck, hopefully your husband is siding with you, and supporting you as much as he can. Here are some long distance internet hugs.
 
#17 ·
I think you really only have two choices here. Forget about it and kill her with kindness or confront her and air somethings out. Either way at least you are trying. If there is still a problem it is hers. in that case only 2 things can happen on her end. She'll get over it or die mad.:lol:
 
#18 ·
I definitely feel your pain, except mine is my future MIL, though she has been the way you're describing yours to be ever since we started dating. You would think after how many years we've been together she would have figured it out by now she would stop but she hasn't. You are lucky your husband is standing with you in this, my fiancé does not, his mother has always controlled and micro managed his life. Even now as a grown man she still does. We almost broke up so many times because of tension with his mother. We are planning on moving to Montana in a few years time if all things go well, but that's already being put into jeopardy just because how much of a hold she has on him. No matter how hard I try to make my fiancé see how much it hurts me and that it's not ok he will not see it, he refuses to think his mother can do anything wrong or that the level of attachment/control she has over him is not healthy. Anyway, starting to get a little off topic. I think it was good you moved away, that should help quiet things. Unfortunately with things like this, your husband has to be the one to stand up to your MIL, she will take him far more seriously than she will you. And maybe if she understands how serious y'all are, and that you're standing together on the issue she might change her tune. If not, do not be afraid to go as far as cutting her out completely, it will be hard on your husband and any children should y'all have any, but in the long run it will be way better than having all her negativity buzzing about.
 
#19 ·
You can only rise above it and show her that you are the better person by totally ignoring any spiteful remarks she makes and getting on with your life because she doesn't have to be a part of it and when she is its on your terms not hers
I don't get people like this but I'm thinking she must be really bitter and miserable to want other people to feel the same way
 
#20 ·
In reply to those who ask where my husband is in this...

It first started when we were living near her, and my husband would just sit there, not saying anything. Keep in mind I am a young wife, therefore not much life experience + over-emotional/anxious state of mind = bursting into tears everytime she yelled at me. Since we have moved, and it has continued, I have told him to step up and tell her its not right, but he insists he will when they see each other in person, because if he calls or messages on Facebook, she can just ignore it. Not sure if this is an excuse not to or not....just have to wait and see I suppose.

Did I mention she ADORES his brother's fiancee Nikki, who ran off interstate while 5 months pregnant because he and Nikki had an argument.

Its strangely comforting to know I'm not the only one and mothers just think no one is good enough for their darling boys!
 
#21 ·
I think that in one respect it's better to do it over the phone, or in person, because an email can be ignored, facebook isn't really the proper place to air out family problems, even in private messaging. That being said, it sounds kind of like he's trying to put it off as long as possible by waiting until you guys get together in person again. I do agree that even on the phone, she could hang up if she doesn't want to hear it, but with him at the house, she could also just storm into her room, and shut the door and refuse to hear him out, so there's no way to find a time when she CAN'T get away, or refuse to talk to him. I would just remind him when the subject comes up, that you don't want to be around and should be asked to be around that kind of negativity, and explain in detail exactly how it makes you feel, and what it is that you find wrong, so it's not just a broad "Your mom hates me, and yells at me", where he can ignore it, or say that you are just being too sensitive or reading into things. Then remind him that he said he would talk to her, and you'd feel better knowing that he does the next time they get together. I personally just wouldn't go with him, because you don't need to subject yourself to that just to make sure he actually tries to talk to his mom. I'm sorry that you are dealing with this, and hopefully things get better, one way or another.
 
#22 ·
Sometimes this bitterness can be caused by the mother feeling unneeded. After all, she raised him for quite a few years with him needing her care and comfort. It's a tough nut to chew but maybe try including her is something you plan. Take her out for lunch? I took my slightly toxic MIL to a dinner theatre which she wound up thoroughly enjoying. Being a beautiful evening we strolled for a while before I hailed a cab to take her home, which I paid for. That evening was the ice-breaker.
 
#23 ·
it's definitely best for you and you PTSD that you cut her out of your life, better for you husband, nobody should have to listen to their mother spew hat about the person they love and better for your future kids, nobody should have to listen to their grandmother spew hate about their mother, in general nobody should have to listen to anyone spew hate about anyone. Cutting toxic people out of your life is healthier for you. If your husband wants her gone, there is point in arguing he knows he better than you so he can tell better if she'll come around or not. If she does ever change her attitude, by all means let her into your life. My grandmother who I met once when I was a baby (and I'm glad for that we would never have gotten along) hated my dad til the day she died was always bitter about him and the fact my Mom married a non-Christian.
 
#25 ·
Quite possibly your MIL does have her own issues and in being unable to resolve them by herself is angry and taking that anger out on you. Whether it's some traumatic event, lack of confidence, a need to feel needed, or even if its just a huge personality conflict, it is still not right for her to treat you in this manner. Perhaps she "likes" your SIL because she doesn't feel threatened by her - the SIL "is just as screwed up" as your MIL??? Bear in mind, I really have no idea - just a thought. See the SIL isn't perfect and maybe your MIL sees you as perfect and therefore feels threatened.

Who knows. Your hubby needs to stand up for you and his family. You need to politely stand up for yourself when necessary and politely decline to be drawn into a confrontation when possible. It's tough. If it means MIL is not a part of your family's life, then so be it. You and YDH are responsible for your own futures and that of your children to come. Your MIL is not. Tough nouggies for her.

I've been there with my own mother. Honestly, when I cut off all relations with her, I felt a huge relief. It took years and a serious family situation for her to accept that she was not in control of my life or my family's life. After that, we figured out where each of our limits were.

Good luck.
 
#26 ·
Yes, been in this, several times too.

Move, and stay away from her.

And would bet that she treated your wife in law the exact same way.

She has a screw loose, and no reason for you to be subjected to it at all.

You didn't break her, and you can't fix her.
 
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