Sometimes old behaviors , that we used as survival mechanisms in our past, are no longer helpful. Maybe there is another way of dealing with your mother, for one thing, than being on the defensive. And it sounds like your "defensive" is really an "offensive", "Ill push them away before they have a chance to do anything that I will need to defend myself against". Then defense becomes offense.
Is this you? Do you want to stay with the old , outdated survival mechanisism? is it still helping you?
You cannot change others, only yourself and how you react, so think if it's still the best way to take care of yourself.