I need some advice...

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I need some advice...

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  • Friends or horses? forums
  • I wish my mom would be happy for me

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    03-12-2012, 08:13 PM
I need some advice...

So due to how my mom treated me growing up I am always in defense mode. Right now and for the past almost 2 years I have been on defense lock down with my mom over my relationship with my wonderful boyfriend and how I am a failure to her because I am involved with him. But my defensive demenor has troubled me so when making more long term friends. And it breaks friendships faster than I can make them. Not saying I have no friends I just have very few. I have awesome acquaintances and I know plenty of people but when we start hanging out more and what not my protective side is always getting in the way.

How should I fix this? Or should I just wait til the "right" friends come along? I feel really stupid for asking this. Its almost immature but I just need help.

But at the same time I'm extremely honest and some people say that, that's what people don't like about me. Ugh I'm having an insecure moment. Help?
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    03-12-2012, 08:27 PM
Smile Snap!!

Whey!!! Haha nice to meet someone as honest as me! I have very few close friends because I am honest but trust me it's the better way to go. I would rather have one friend who would look out for me than 20 who seriously don't care what happens to me. As long as your happy with your partner then it doesn't matter what other people think. I'm also on lock down and I used to get really down about it. But alot of people comment on how happy I am and free spirited now that I have come to understand it and be myself. As long as your happy with yourself (and horse, partner :P) then the rest doesn't matter. Here if you need to talk nice to meet someone in the same situation!! Seriously! Xxxx
    03-12-2012, 08:31 PM
Smile forgot to add this

I'm very honest and I would say alot of people don't like it. But it's only because people don't like hearing the bare truth. Obviously there's times when we need to keep schtum when things are personal and can be very hurtfull but everyday life then no be honest, people will respect you more if you do! And they know they can trust you, even if your not the best of friends lol. Plus people like to know where they stand. Don't be rude though, just honest
    03-12-2012, 09:41 PM
Haha thanks. That's exactly what I needed. I do use discretion. But I guess where I'm sarcastic it doesn't help with my honesty. I'm told it comes off arrogant. Which I am truthfully the last thing from. I am happy I wish my mom would just be happy for me. It kills me that its so much task for. But your right as long as I'm happy it doesn't matter. :) Thanks Teegz
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    03-12-2012, 10:08 PM
Sometimes old behaviors , that we used as survival mechanisms in our past, are no longer helpful. Maybe there is another way of dealing with your mother, for one thing, than being on the defensive. And it sounds like your "defensive" is really an "offensive", "Ill push them away before they have a chance to do anything that I will need to defend myself against". Then defense becomes offense.

Is this you? Do you want to stay with the old , outdated survival mechanisism? Is it still helping you?
You cannot change others, only yourself and how you react, so think if it's still the best way to take care of yourself.
    03-13-2012, 07:18 PM
Super Moderator
Would it be possible that you're dealing with your past now and maybe also that affects a little on your behavior and how do you experience your behavior?

It's good that you've recognized that part of you. Recognizing is the first step when you decide to change something.

Give yourself time, allow yourself to find a way to be ok with your past. Try to recognize why do you feel the way you do, maybe find some resources in you which can help you to overcome the difficulties that you've recognized.
    03-13-2012, 08:31 PM
There's a difference in being honest and being truthful - it's called tact. If people are saying that you're too honest, you may just be being too blunt. Nothing wrong with it, but some people can't handle blunt. Change the way you deliver your messages to people.

Secondly, take responsibility for your actions. It sucks that your mother mistreated you, and while you cannot control your reaction to situations, you can certainly control your RESPONSE to the situations. Take a mental step back, really think about what is being said and their possible motive, then proceed.
    03-18-2012, 04:59 PM
I've been trying lately to listen more than respond. I do always take responsibilities for what ever I say or do. That's one thing I make sure of. I am pretty blunt and I'm really sarcastic. Which people take as really weird or really funny.
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    03-18-2012, 05:00 PM
I'm definitely working on it though
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    03-18-2012, 09:43 PM
Oh man we're alike.. kinda got the same situation goin' on right now too. Im always seeming to be stuck on defensive still and its not always the best for the situation. And people just don't seem to get whats happened and why im like who I am. I don't really trust anyone still since I've got so much dirt. Its hard. But things are slowly getting better. Everyones posts above are giving some good advice.

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