I need support and feedback regarding my birthmother
   

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I need support and feedback regarding my birthmother

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  • My birthmother is crazy only to me

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    02-07-2012, 08:25 PM
  #1
Green Broke
Angry I need support and feedback regarding my birthmother

Okay I will make this short cause thye message I am attaching is VERY LONG. AS some of you have known I am adopted, Ilove my family! I was dopted at 18months but taken out of the home at 4 months old. Katie my older sister and I came into contact with our birth mother in October of 2011 and lets just say we have learned alot about her and its really just very sad and extremly frustrating. I have decided to maybe cutt her off but am giving her a 2nd chance and will see how she reacts to this. Keep in mind my little sister charity died at 6months old and never left the ICU because of the efects from drinking and maybe drugs. Come to find out two weeks ago my soldest sister who I never met and who had sever disablites from the drinking and drugs passed away but also hada child. The 4th of febuary would have been her 39th birthday. This has been a crazy jurney for my sister and I. She has cutt her off after seeing she is very orinatated with drama and needs help from adoctor. Yes I feel compassion for my birth mother but SHE MADE CHOICES that got us all here. That's ON HER. She has been over steppingthe boundries callingherslef mommy and mom and calling me baby doll and baby girl and getting WAY to touchy feely with me.

Here is the message I sent her. I would like any feed back on this if you would be able to give nay or just some support. Now I wish I was moved already so I could go see Olivernad just hug him or see my boyfriend but its the end of the school/work day so I am not able to do either at this time!

THANKS
Sam
     
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    02-07-2012, 08:26 PM
  #2
Green Broke
Okay so I need to geta few things out and off my chest and I hope you do nottake it to personally or hard. Its just how it is.

I came into this new relationship with you knowing it would have it hard, emotional and frustrating times along iwth the good times and good talks. I am not the kind of person to stand up and fend for myself or tell people how it is I really feel if I am beingbotherd but I feel I do in this cirmcumstance. First of all I would like it if you adresed me as Sam or Samantha, I am not baby gil or baby doll or hunny. Im sure you are wondering why, here it is and this is where it might become difficult for you. You are not my mom mother mommy. You are Debby. I feel very un comfortable when you call me these names as a. I still don't know you that well and we are not a a nick name family basis. You are a stranger to me. Yes you gave birth me to and I thank you for that but my mom is the one who raised me, she will always no matter what be my mom andyou will be Debby. We do not havea mother daughter working relationship, I don't know you you don't know me all that well still. I will most likely never call you mom just simply cause you did not take that role by the actions you chose to make that got us into this very sistaution. I am not blaming you, I do not know what was going on in your life back then or who you where back then. It is just how it is and how it worked out to be.

Second, I have heard that you have talked ill of my mom and I to Katie. Don't get mad ather and what not, you told her, and of course she will tell me, to protect me cause she cares about me. I am not at all saying you don't care, I am not saying she is drivinga wedge between you and I. She HAS NOTHING to do with the email to you about hw I feel so I would be disapointed in you if I found out you whent to her after reading this and talked down to her. This is between you and me and us only. I am not here to patch togther anyone elses relation ship with you, not Katie's not the Twins. You need to understand we all feel different on this matter and will react differently.


Also I am not sure as I didnt ask anyone but if it was you who told Mark about me that was not okay. I don't mind getting to know people from my biological family but that's just it none of you are family. You are complete strangers. I have no memmories of any of you and what I grew up knowing wasnt postive, wasnt somthing that I was pleased about. I have had major struggles from this, from the alcohol from being taken away not just metally and emotionally but physically as well. Anyways I would have much perferd if you had asked if I wanted to get to know other people from your side of the family. Not get a message from a stranger informing me he is my brother in law and oh by the way his wife my sister is dead and ohh guess hwta I havea neice. Can you see how that can shock a person....how that may effect me of many different levels?
I have also come to understand that you have expressed that your felings may have been hurt when I asked about Charity. If so I would have wished you could have told me. I understand that its a sensitive personal matter that will raise some high emotions, that's 100% undserstandable. Here is why I asked about her, I came to find out about her death at the young age of 10. Too young. It was traumatising and effected me. I also came to learn later on my mom was looking into adopting her so then I was even more traumatized and effected by this.

Growing up I always wonderd who you where, why I was adopted, why you werent the one to raise me but I wouldnt have it any other way from how my life has turned out. I love my life. I have a amazing supportive family who understands me and loves me. I have grown up witha great child hood and great childhood memeories. I graduated highschool and am now a collage student blancing a social life, home life, a full time long term relationship,working as well as a horse. I couldnt be happier with who I am and what I am doing with my life right now. I belive it was ment to be for me to be raised in this family and to become who I am now.

For now I would like to take our relatioship back a few notches. No phone calls please. This isnt all to do with you, my life right now is hectic, school and midterm,s then finals, working more hours and needing time to myself.

If this is somthing you are not okay with let me know. I am not asking you to not express how you feel after reading this, as I would like to know and better help you understand where it is I am coming from.

I would now like to hear your side of things. Why where we taken away. What made you become an alcoholic. Why did you make these choices that ended you up here?
Really you owe this to me. I don't mean to make you mad or upset although im sure I have as this is a very sensitve matter. But its my life, its who I am. I am traumatized and will always be different because of the choices you made and will have to live with them the rest of my life. I have turned all of that so far into positive things and will continue to do so. But you owe me these answers.

I will be de friending you as part of the taking steps back. You can still message me and I will still respond but this really is it. If you choose to take this the wrong way and turn it back on me or Katie I iwll end our relationship faster then you know. Katie is my sister I care and love her more then you know, I will protect her and stand up for her.

She has gone through enough trauma and hardships in her life and has recently come through these things to the other isde, stronger. Smarter. She is an amazing young lady and has become and amazing sister after all the crap she went though since birth. We have become alot closer in this whole adventure of getting to know you. Right now she can't do this anymore. She has way to much good in her life to be bruaght nown by drama with you. She needs time and she needs to make sense of all of this. This is ALOT for all of us.

From what I understand there is so much you can do to better your l ife. Counsling. Getting out of the house. Meetingnew people and creating new friendships. Get yourself healthy. DO what you need to to for yourself to make yourself the best you can be. Drama, sleeping all day and being depressed is not going to get you anywere good in life. Your in control of your life not anyone esle. So please get up and do some things that willl better your life and your mind.

Sam
     
    02-07-2012, 08:31 PM
  #3
Super Moderator
Sam,
I didnt' read this message all the way. It's very personal. Are you sure you want it on the internet?
Faceman, Wallaby and BaileyJo like this.
     
    02-07-2012, 08:36 PM
  #4
Weanling
I would really think about it this overnight before posting. I didn't read it all either but might want to just sleep on it.

Do you have a good friend or another support person you can talk with over with in person? I can imagine it is pretty heavy duty stuff.
     
    02-07-2012, 08:38 PM
  #5
Weanling
That is a powerful email. You did well laying out how your feeling & putting down boundaries.
Posted via Mobile Device
     
    02-07-2012, 08:39 PM
  #6
Green Broke
Yes I know I put this up. I want to get feedback. Yes its personal but to me she is a stranger so at the same time its not and it is alot eaier getting this out to poeple I don't really know If you don't wnat to read it or comment on it I am perfectly fine with that. Just had to getit out and not somthing I can just post on FB cause that's too personal for me.
     
    02-07-2012, 08:44 PM
  #7
Started
Quote:
Originally Posted by Klassic Superstar    
Okay so I need to geta few things out and off my chest and I hope you do nottake it to personally or hard. Its just how it is.

I came into this new relationship with you knowing it would have it hard, emotional and frustrating times along iwth the good times and good talks. I am not the kind of person to stand up and fend for myself or tell people how it is I really feel if I am beingbotherd but I feel I do in this cirmcumstance. First of all I would like it if you adresed me as Sam or Samantha, I am not baby gil or baby doll or hunny. Im sure you are wondering why, here it is and this is where it might become difficult for you. You are not my mom mother mommy. You are Debby. I feel very un comfortable when you call me these names as a. I still don't know you that well and we are not a a nick name family basis. You are a stranger to me. Yes you gave birth me to and I thank you for that but my mom is the one who raised me, she will always no matter what be my mom andyou will be Debby. We do not havea mother daughter working relationship, I don't know you you don't know me all that well still. I will most likely never call you mom just simply cause you did not take that role by the actions you chose to make that got us into this very sistaution. I am not blaming you, I do not know what was going on in your life back then or who you where back then. It is just how it is and how it worked out to be.

Second, I have heard that you have talked ill of my mom and I to Katie. Don't get mad ather and what not, you told her, and of course she will tell me, to protect me cause she cares about me. I am not at all saying you don't care, I am not saying she is drivinga wedge between you and I. She HAS NOTHING to do with the email to you about hw I feel so I would be disapointed in you if I found out you whent to her after reading this and talked down to her. This is between you and me and us only. I am not here to patch togther anyone elses relation ship with you, not Katie's not the Twins. You need to understand we all feel different on this matter and will react differently.


Also I am not sure as I didnt ask anyone but if it was you who told Mark about me that was not okay. I don't mind getting to know people from my biological family but that's just it none of you are family. You are complete strangers. I have no memmories of any of you and what I grew up knowing wasnt postive, wasnt somthing that I was pleased about. I have had major struggles from this, from the alcohol from being taken away not just metally and emotionally but physically as well. Anyways I would have much perferd if you had asked if I wanted to get to know other people from your side of the family. Not get a message from a stranger informing me he is my brother in law and oh by the way his wife my sister is dead and ohh guess hwta I havea neice. Can you see how that can shock a person....how that may effect me of many different levels?
I have also come to understand that you have expressed that your felings may have been hurt when I asked about Charity. If so I would have wished you could have told me. I understand that its a sensitive personal matter that will raise some high emotions, that's 100% undserstandable. Here is why I asked about her, I came to find out about her death at the young age of 10. Too young. It was traumatising and effected me. I also came to learn later on my mom was looking into adopting her so then I was even more traumatized and effected by this.

Growing up I always wonderd who you where, why I was adopted, why you werent the one to raise me but I wouldnt have it any other way from how my life has turned out. I love my life. I have a amazing supportive family who understands me and loves me. I have grown up witha great child hood and great childhood memeories. I graduated highschool and am now a collage student blancing a social life, home life, a full time long term relationship,working as well as a horse. I couldnt be happier with who I am and what I am doing with my life right now. I belive it was ment to be for me to be raised in this family and to become who I am now.

For now I would like to take our relatioship back a few notches. No phone calls please. This isnt all to do with you, my life right now is hectic, school and midterm,s then finals, working more hours and needing time to myself.

If this is somthing you are not okay with let me know. I am not asking you to not express how you feel after reading this, as I would like to know and better help you understand where it is I am coming from.

I would now like to hear your side of things. Why where we taken away. What made you become an alcoholic. Why did you make these choices that ended you up here?
Really you owe this to me. I don't mean to make you mad or upset although im sure I have as this is a very sensitve matter. But its my life, its who I am. I am traumatized and will always be different because of the choices you made and will have to live with them the rest of my life. I have turned all of that so far into positive things and will continue to do so. But you owe me these answers.

I will be de friending you as part of the taking steps back. You can still message me and I will still respond but this really is it. If you choose to take this the wrong way and turn it back on me or Katie I iwll end our relationship faster then you know. Katie is my sister I care and love her more then you know, I will protect her and stand up for her.

She has gone through enough trauma and hardships in her life and has recently come through these things to the other isde, stronger. Smarter. She is an amazing young lady and has become and amazing sister after all the crap she went though since birth. We have become alot closer in this whole adventure of getting to know you. Right now she can't do this anymore. She has way to much good in her life to be bruaght nown by drama with you. She needs time and she needs to make sense of all of this. This is ALOT for all of us.

From what I understand there is so much you can do to better your l ife. Counsling. Getting out of the house. Meetingnew people and creating new friendships. Get yourself healthy. DO what you need to to for yourself to make yourself the best you can be. Drama, sleeping all day and being depressed is not going to get you anywere good in life. Your in control of your life not anyone esle. So please get up and do some things that willl better your life and your mind.

Sam
A little harsh, eh? I think the part that gets to me the most is about the mom issue
Quote:
I came into this new relationship with you knowing it would have it hard, emotional and frustrating times along iwth the good times and good talks. I am not the kind of person to stand up and fend for myself or tell people how it is I really feel if I am beingbotherd but I feel I do in this cirmcumstance. First of all I would like it if you adresed me as Sam or Samantha, I am not baby gil or baby doll or hunny. Im sure you are wondering why, here it is and this is where it might become difficult for you. You are not my mom mother mommy. You are Debby. I feel very un comfortable when you call me these names as a. I still don't know you that well and we are not a a nick name family basis. You are a stranger to me. Yes you gave birth me to and I thank you for that but my mom is the one who raised me, she will always no matter what be my mom andyou will be Debby. We do not havea mother daughter working relationship, I don't know you you don't know me all that well still. I will most likely never call you mom just simply cause you did not take that role by the actions you chose to make that got us into this very sistaution. I am not blaming you, I do not know what was going on in your life back then or who you where back then. It is just how it is and how it worked out to be.
That seems... rather, or extremely harsh... For a minute, seriosuly, honestly, put yourself in HER shoes. How would you feel if your daughter told you this? And be honest with yourself. She IS your mom, and she always will be. No matter what happens in life, or what decisions she made. Whether you want to call her mom or call her Debby, that up to you, but it still is harsh.

I don't know anything that has went on in your life, or your relationship with your mom, but I still think that if you read this from your mothers perspective, you would be hurt to the extreme.
     
    02-07-2012, 08:53 PM
  #8
Green Broke
For me the definition of mom is who raised me. Who was there when I was sick. Who was there when I was upset and needed a mom. My mom, adopted me at age 18 months but fostered me for a long while before that. My birth mother gave up her rights if being my mom by the neglect and abuse. Yes she gave birth to so she my my biological mom. But when I refer to my mom, 100% of the time I mean my mom who adopted me. She made choices to have us taken away. She was neglectful and abusive.

I understand it's harsh, I wasn't trying to be lovey dovey and I know it's hard to give feedback when it's one sided and all that, again really needed to get this off my chest cause right one, no I don't have anyone else to talk to this about. I'm sorry if this offends anyone I don't mean that in any way! :)
     
    02-07-2012, 09:04 PM
  #9
Weanling
I think you did the right thing in your email to your birth mother by telling her where you're coming from and what has been handled poorly on her part. It's never easy meeting your birth parents and I know from experience. It's terrifying not knowing how they'll react to you. I was 18 when I was able to contact my birth parents but my birth mother never left any forwarding contacts at the adoption registry so I never met her till word got to her that I was seeking her. I always consider my adopted mother my real mother for all intent and purpose as she had all the real mothering responsibilities. My birth mother is more like a friend than a mother figure. I truly hope you can work this out and achieve some inner peace.
     
    02-07-2012, 09:07 PM
  #10
Started
Quote:
Originally Posted by Klassic Superstar    
For me the definition of mom is who raised me. Who was there when I was sick. Who was there when I was upset and needed a mom. My mom, adopted me at age 18 months but fostered me for a long while before that. My birth mother gave up her rights if being my mom by the neglect and abuse. Yes she gave birth to so she my my biological mom. But when I refer to my mom, 100% of the time I mean my mom who adopted me. She made choices to have us taken away. She was neglectful and abusive.

I understand it's harsh, I wasn't trying to be lovey dovey and I know it's hard to give feedback when it's one sided and all that, again really needed to get this off my chest cause right one, no I don't have anyone else to talk to this about. I'm sorry if this offends anyone I don't mean that in any way! :)
I don't think its going to offend anyone, its just your personal thoughts (:
     

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