This coming weekend I will be going to a psychiatric clinic to help me overcome depression, cutting, and an eating disorder. Let me tell you my story...
I am almost 18, my birthday is in May. I am a Matric (senior) at a private school, where I have been all my life. For close on 12 years I have been bullied, constantly about my speech, as I have a stutter, or my weight. When I was young I was quite heavy, now I weigh 53kgs, but I still have a large stomach which I am now teased for. I don't have many friends, because of my stutter, and I am not cool, so if anyone were to be seen with me it would be just awful for their social ratings. I do not do orals in front of my classmates, because there is constant giggling ans mocking when I do, nor do I answer questions in class or read an answer aloud. This was the best solution my teachers could come up with to help me, and while I am very grateful, it added a new problem... I then got accused of having "special treatment", and that made me even more of an outcast. I became very subdued, and only spoke when spoken to, and tried to answer with the least amount of words as possible.
I was constantly told that I am a liar about everything, and that I was fat and ugly. This was repeated so many times that I eventually began to believe it, so one day I went home, and smashed all the mirrors in my house with my bare hands to avoid looking at myself. I had to have 4 stitches. I felt so ashamed of myself, and took to wearing big baggy clothes to hide myself. I had so much emotion built up inside, but I felt as if I couldn't tell anyone, so as an outlet for that emotional pain, I began to cut myself. Over the years I have made 168 cuts on my left arm, and 36 on my right. This helped in a way; my pain was now something I could feel, and if I could feel it, I could handle it. I was diagnosed with severe depression, and was sent to a psychiatrist for two months. It helped a lot, and I began to get better. But then the bullying would begin again. That was when I started my eating disorders.
I first began starving myself, and was diagnosed with anorexia. I wouldn't eat for days, making up excuses and lying to my mom, telling her that I wasn't hungry or had already eaten. I lost a terrible amount of weight, I went from 74kg to 32kg, and had to be hospitalized. I never fully recovered, but was discharged. From then on out my mom would force me to eat, literally keeping me at the table until all my food was gone, watching me to make sure I ate. But that was when I started making myself throw up. I didn't want to pick up weight, I didn't want to be fat... I was constantly pale and sick. My mom was (and still is) so worried about my frame of mind that she took to restraining me to my bed at night, so that I couldn't harm myself. Some nights even now this is still the case.
All of this has been going on since I was 13. I have been suffering at the hands of bullies, mentally, physically and emotionally for close to 5 years. I still have an eating disorder, I still cut myself, and I am still considered to be depressed. But with the help and support of my friends (what few I have left) and family, I am going into rehab. I have made the decision to better my life. I am going to get help, and I am going to be okay. Doing what I did was not the answer to my problems.
That is my story. And I hope that people realize that their words hurt. Words leave scars, and can really hurt someone. I would know. Bullying is not a joke, it is not a funny activity that you can do with your pals to that person sitting over there. It damages a person. I will never be the same. I weigh 46kg, which is still not as healthy as it should be. I take 7 tablets every day to keep myself calm and okay, and I will always be covered in scars. So to every person going through this, believe me when I say that it is not the answer. Go get help, go to someone you trust, it will be worth it in the end.