Just found my birth mother. Very emotional and confused:( - The Horse Forum
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post #1 of 18 Old 10-13-2011, 01:59 PM Thread Starter
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Unhappy Just found my birth mother. Very emotional and confused:(

HI, I don’t know where else to put this so I put it here. I am really looking for support here. Seems easier to tell allot of people you don’t know at all then my family. So here it goes.

I am about to turn 20 years old (Nov. 19th) I was adopted at the age of 18 months old. I was taken out of my birth mothers home at the age of four months from many CPS calls. I was severely malnutrition and under weight and sick. I was rushed to the hospital and put on life support and given the totally of failure to thrive. They where pretty much waiting for me to die. I beat the odds and got strong and healthy.

My birth mother, an alcoholic to the extreme would be found passed out blacked out not taking care of any of us (I am the youngest of 4 other siblings) We were all put into the same foster home, the twins who are a year and half older then me got adopted out together, and my oldest sister was old enough to stay with her, over the age of 16. Katie my sister who is next oldest then the twins had it the roughest but that is a whole other story and not mine to tell. I was adopted out first and into a wonderful home, single mom who couldn’t have raised me better and thanks to her I have been riding since I was four years old and she has supported 110% my passion for horses!

Back to the point...

Anyways today I got an email from Katie. Who I had a falling out with before summer started (we have had an on off relationship for a few years) anyways she I guess took on a search for our birth mother (oh forgot to add in the part of my siblings and I all have different fathers)

So I guess she found her....and she talked to her for hours. I am very happy it worked out for both of them, I personally think my sister really needed this closure given our extreme start to life and hers taking a turn for the worse when mine kept getting better.

So I guess my mom, Debbie lives in FL. Has been sober for a few years now. So after reading my sisters email and crying (yes I told my mom about this) I got the courage to email my birthmother (I got it from my sister) so I emailed her...I told her I didn’t want to meet her right away and that emails where all I can emotionally handle right now, and here is where I want to start crying again. Been (in just 2 hours from finding out) a huge roller coaster of emotions...and I hate it.

I don’t know what to think expect or do.
Help? Please!?

Last edited by farmpony84; 10-13-2011 at 03:43 PM. Reason: ran spell check
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post #2 of 18 Old 10-13-2011, 02:25 PM
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A roller coaster of emotions is absolutely normal, and healthy right now. You did the right thing by setting your limits for what you could handle, and making it known as to not push too far too quickly.

There is no set rule of how this story has to play out. Take all the time you'd like, or jump right in to getting to know her. Keep open communication with your adopted (real mom in my eyes) mom, because she too is probably feeling an emotional roller coaster, not that its your problem to worry about her.

Let your sister have her peace, and try not to compare who does what with your biological mom. Just take everythingin stride. I know your feeling pressure, but keep reminding yourself that nothing needs to be determined today, or tomorrow. It took 20 years to get to the point. Give yourself time.
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post #3 of 18 Old 10-13-2011, 02:43 PM
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I second letagirlshowu and would like to add...if at all possible, get in touch with a family counselor. They can help you and give you the support as a person from the outside. And of course, horses are always a great backup! My prayers will be with you.
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post #4 of 18 Old 10-13-2011, 03:00 PM
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Bless your heart. I will ask Jesus to give you strength and comfort.

Your birth mom obviously had serious issues and you are lucky to have lived because of them. You were adopted by someone who has loved and guided you and she will most likely guide you through this also. Talk to your mom...she will always have your best interest at heart.

As for birth mom...go slow. There is nothing wrong with making a connection - my parents divorced when I was an infant and my biological father was too cheap to have a connection with us and didn't really want to. Moved out of state even though his parents lived here til I was 10. I have spoke to him and seen him 2 times since I have been an adult. I am a genealogy nut so I wanted that info - other than that I really don't have much to do with him. His name is on my phone so I know it is him calling - I generally let it go to voice mail.

Email is good - maybe later actual phone calls. She may have major changed and she might not have. So keep expectations low and you won't be disappointed. I used to think my real father actually cared and was heart broken to realize he didn't. He isn't capable of it.

Best of luck my dear and I will pray for you.
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post #5 of 18 Old 10-14-2011, 04:43 PM
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I agree with above, it's all normal to have lot of different feelings. Give yourself time that you need to get your mind clear and listen your feelings. If needed, also I'd suggest counsellor.

"On hyviä vuosia, kauniita muistoja, mutta kuitenkaan, en saata unohtaa,
Että koskaan en ole yksin, varjo seuraa onneain.
Vaikka myrsky hetkeksi tyyntyykin, varjo seuraa onneain.
Ja pian taas uusin hönkäyksin, varjo seuraa onneain.
Hei tuu mun luo, pieneksi hetkeksi. Puhutaan, varjoni, valkoiseksi enkeliksi."

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post #6 of 18 Old 10-15-2011, 08:11 PM
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Do talk to your mom about this. Don't leave her out of the loop. She will need reassurance as many in this case begin to feel displaced. Make her part of the process. I know several families who have gone thro this and being part of the process played a huge roll in not feeling they were losing their adopted child. You will drive yourself crazy second guessing how meeting her will go, if you decide to do that. Just take one day at a time but please keep your mom involved.
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post #7 of 18 Old 10-15-2011, 08:58 PM
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You have a mom. You owe this other person absolutely nothing. Any contact at all YOU choose to give is totally a gift from you and is in no way owed to her. Forgive her and move on but you do not need to give her any power over you, It is your life live it for you and be with the people that bring you joy and happiness. Just because someone is related by blood doesnt mean you have to have anything to do with them if they make you miserable.
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post #8 of 18 Old 10-16-2011, 08:45 AM
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I'm curious, what is your primary motivation for wanting to meet your biological mother? I was adopted within weeks of being born and many years ago the hospital contacted me and asked if I wanted to meet my biological mother at her request, but I politely declined. (They can't tell her my new name or where I live, etc.)

To me, personally, my mother (R.I.P) is the one who took care of me all my life and I have zero interest in meeting my biological mother. My sister on the other hand was also adopted and met her biological mother when she was a teen. She was moved by the meeting and thought of it as a good experience but vowed to never meet her again.
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post #9 of 18 Old 10-16-2011, 01:47 PM
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I agree with everyone else take it slow and at anytime if you decide to stop contact do not feel bad about it. I have a friend that is adopted and she got in contact with her biological parents because of some major health issues she has. Her parents were teens when they had her and gave her up to have a better home she had a loveing family growing up and as an adult tried to have a relationship with her birth parents but her mom turned out being nuts (honestly tried to kill my friends cat) but her dad and she have a good relationship he actually just came for a visit with her and they had a great time he lives in Ireland and they talk regularly on Skype. Good luck to you and I will keep you in my prayers.


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post #10 of 18 Old 10-16-2011, 02:16 PM
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Since my brother has two adopted children we had looked into the history of adoptions. Young unmarried teens were often forced to give up their babies. Agencies were tight-lipped and had the law behind them. For many years information was not forthcoming and it wasn't until the laws were changed and they've gone through both good and bad changes. With my brother's first, the mother had 48 hrs to either give the child up or keep it. Then it was 6 mos. My brother and his wife wanted another child but not if the child could be yanked away. That didn't work either as adoptees were afraid of making the emotional investment. Now the laws are back to 48 hrs and full disclosure of health issues. If a mother wishes to contact her child she has to deal thro an agency who consults with the adoptive parents. There is no direct contact unless all parties are in agreement. This all depends in what state or province one was residing in at the time of adoption as the laws were often different. One should never feel a mother abandoned her child, it is far more complex that that. She has lived with it and wondered how the child is doing.
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