Hello, all, and sorry, this will be long.
I guess I need to vent and I'm looking for support. I'm not trying to make anybody feel sorry for me, though, and I usually cope with these situations quite well, but sometimes it's just too much.
I have been diagnosed with Asperger's syndrome as an adult some years ago, but I managed to fight through my situation as a child and a teenager by myself. My parents suspected that something is wrong, but they have always felt that mental illnesses are somehow shameful, so we didn't talk about it and I was just considered distant and difficult. In case somebody isn't sure about what AS is, here's a great resource on the symptoms, which are all moderate to severe in me - AANE - What is Asperger Syndrome?
I won't go into details about my daily life and I don't want to seem as if I feel "special" (really, I'd rather not sometimes), but the hardest thing for me has always been eye-to-eye communication. It is really easy to communicate over the Internet, as I don't have to think about my facial expressions and body language, but, when it comes to real life communication, I'm trapped. Any expression of any emotions has been learned behavior for me, it is just a programme I use to be able to socialize. I do feel, I do have emotions, but it just doesn't show naturally. It is if I'm living behind a stone wall - I can see everything perfectly, down to the smallest details, and I can feel deeply for most of what I see, but those who are on the other side don't notice it.
And so it comes tho the fact that, no matter what I do and how I try to express myself, it just goes into nowhere and even closer people note how monotonous my tone of voice is, how void are my eyes, how harsh, emotionless, etc. I seem, how unnaturally I move or act sometimes. It doesn't matter that I can act out the different facial expressions that are needed in conversations, because everybody sees that they are not "alive", and many openly express their discomfort around me.
It is different around horses, they are really my healers, and for a while I believed that I am becoming better and better about expressing myself, and I felt really happy for it, as if I was making some real progress and actually having hope in making good, natural relationships with people I like.
But yesterday I got to know that a person I care about very deeply has expressed her concerns about how cold, distand, even aggressive about my opinions I am, and how uncomfortable it is being around me. What hurt me the most is that she didn't tell it to me - apparently she didn't feel it would be worth the conversation. And I never, never wanted to hurt her... So I see that my body has lied to me again, and I am still behind the wall. And there is no cure for it. I will get over it, as always, but for now I feel I have hit a "low", being miserable and cut off from the rest of the world. I understand why people feel so around me, it is just natural, but I still dream of how it would be to be heard and seen.
The only really clear way of communicating for me is writing, because then I don't need my body to look like it cares and I can write down how I really feel and what I am. So I plan to write a letter to this person and express my feelings upon this matter, and I hope it won't just make everything worse than it is already.
Thank you for looking into this and I apologize for any grammar mistakes. I'm still shaken and can't think clearly right now, to be honest.