Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: New South Wales, Australia
I think that it's a tricky situation. It's hard enough getting a new boyfriend and having them get used to you being into horses. They don't understand the amount of time and money and heartache that goes into horses. But from the beginning it's part of the package. They deal or they move on.
However, it's different for you because horses weren't part of the "package". You were together in a certain way and then you got horses and everything changed.
I want to jump on the (somewhat) bandwagon and say that he should respect your hobbies and he needs to deal with this and he's being unreasonable. I can't though. I imagine about what if I was in a relationship, that things were a certain way, we spent time together around work, maybe select hobbies and we were happy. Then I imagine he got a new job, a new hobby and all of a sudden he's not around. He's working longer hours, then in his spare time he chooses to do something that I don't hate, but that I don't value either, like motorbikes or golf or something I have no interest in. I'd feel really upset. I'd ask myself why isn't he choosing to spend time with me anymore?
When I'm in a relationship with someone it's important for me to spend time with them, to share our lives. I wouldn't date someone in the army or something, who went away for months, or even someone with a business job that was away every other weekend. I wouldn't have signed up for that.
Horses aren't just a hobby, it's not like you're taking pottery a couple nights a week. They overtake almost every aspect of your life. You're a horse person, or you're not.
I guess I'd just try to look at it from the perspective of has your relationship changed since getting the horse? Are you spending a lot less time together? Are you communicating less? Because if these are his complaints, then I do think they are valid because the relationship that you both agreed to continue has changed.
When you do spend time together, do you talk about the horses? Or are you spending time with him? So many times I come home and blabber to anyone who will listen about what my horse has done today. Sometimes I forget that people don't care. I think that in some cases you have to leave the horse stuff at the stable, come home and be the wife, or the girlfriend or whatever.
I'm not saying he is right, or you're wrong but I'm just saying that I might act exactly the same as him in a given situation.
I know you think he's not making effort, not coming for barn lunches, but if you lunch off why can't you meet him at a local cafe? A park for a picnic? Effort goes both ways. Make a list (I love lists) of the time you spend with him, be honest about when you're actually together engaging, not just existing. Write your horse hours, the hours you used to be together, work out if there really is a problem that needs to be addressed, and what you could do. And talk about. Always talk.
Sorry for my extremely long and unhelpful post.