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Marriage and Horses

This is a discussion on Marriage and Horses within the General Off Topic Discussion forums, part of the Life Beyond Horses category

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        11-07-2013, 11:14 AM
      #11
    Yearling
    My husband and I got married young, especially by today's standards, I was 19 (20 in 6 days) and he was 21. We have now been married 20 years, we learned early on that communication was the number 1 necessity to keeping a strong marriage. Number 2 was compromise. And we also always had God in our marriage.

    I can't tell you how to fix your problem, but I'm a strong believer that if you keep communication lines open and stay flexible (both of you, not just one), you can make it work. I also believe He has a greater plan.
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        11-07-2013, 05:37 PM
      #12
    Yearling
    Could you offer to have him out to the barn with you? Spend time there together with the horses? I'm glad my other half supports my horsey love - and in fact without him I couldn't own either horse. He'd more than willing to come help with the horses, and sometimes just wants to come watch me work with them.

    Otherwise you've been given good advice. Talking it out is the only thing that's going to help this. He's being unreasonable - how would he feel if you got angry at *him* for going out to hockey? If you were jealous of that time? Bet he would say you're being ridiculous. It's the same concept.
         
        11-07-2013, 08:38 PM
      #13
    Trained
    Well, I am not trying to be negative here....trust me. If it were me, I'd simply get out while the night is still young - run. That is just me. Horses are not a "dream" to me, they are my oxygen supply. I married a non-horsey person. That is hard enough as it is!!! But if DH didn't support my love for horses AND made it an "issue", well...I'm sure I could manage to draw my next breath w/o him.
    natisha likes this.
         
        11-07-2013, 08:54 PM
      #14
    Green Broke
    I guess I'm fortunate. DH is a very secure person, and secure in our love for each other. Because of that, we both have our own interests, plus share quite a few together.

    He enjoys seeing me with my horses, because he sees how happy I am. He doesn't see this in terms of me not being happy with him. Like I said, we are both secure people in ourselves and with each other.

    Maybe that is something your husband is not. Only communicating in a calm and caring way will any progress be made. Of course, you also may have to open yourself to really hear things you may not want to.

    Good luck to you.
    franknbeans, DimSum and VickiRose like this.
         
        11-07-2013, 09:09 PM
      #15
    Weanling
    I will second the answer of communication... Or finding a hobby to entertain him otherwise.

    I was incredibly luck with my husband. He maybe rode a horse once before he met me and slowly got more and more involved in the horses the more we were together. He's incredibly supportive, heck, he bought a horse trailer and an Expedition before we got married so I could haul on my own (My dad would always cop an attitude when it came time for horse shows) He's taken a couple months of lessons with me and is a quick learner.

    The best thing you can do is communicate that it upsets you that he doesn't support your hobby. He should, in my opinion. Horses are one thing I told my husband I would choose over him ;) Tell him that it hurts you that he won't come to lunch at your place of work.

    Is he afraid of horses? Allergic maybe? I think a sit down chat is a must for you two... Be open, honest, and mature. Don't attack him or put him on the defense (even if he tries to be defensive).
         
        11-07-2013, 09:09 PM
      #16
    Green Broke
    Honestly? I think if you come out of horses he will have something else to gripe about. These types usually do.

    I'd be getting my ducks in a row, as this attitude of his does not bode well for your future together.
         
        11-07-2013, 09:25 PM
      #17
    Trained
    I agree that balance and communication are essential to a relationship, but somewhere along the line both of you will have to do some serious self reflection and soul searching to determine what marriage really means to each of you.

    In my experience, many horse people are extremely passionate about their horse life. I have an acquaintance that divorced her husband and actually told him that he could have their children if she got the horses. Just food for thought....
         
        11-07-2013, 09:47 PM
      #18
    Super Moderator
    I would not expect him to like what you do. Maybe not even support it. Just as long as he does not try to undermine it, or belittle you, or destroy it.
    Eventually, over time, he may change to be more accepting, and he may see that it makes you happy, and if he loves you, he will enjoy seeing you happy and want that for you. But, to expect him to not have any feelings of jealousy is probably not very realistic.
    It is even true that when a woman has a baby, the husband will go through a period of time where he may feel replaced, and quite jealous of his baby now usurping his spot as #1 in the eyes of his wife. He will then feel really bad for having such a selfish, and maybe illogical emotion, since he loves the baby, too. Time brings couples through all that, usually.

    I would insist on what's important for you, but don't insist he feel the same way. Just keep stating how happy you are made to feel wtih time spent with horses, and maybe he will start to feel good that you feel good.

    But , you also have to give him some of your time, too. It's just the facts, ma'am, that spouses have to be placed in a very high place of importance, or things WILL sour.
    VickiRose likes this.
         
        11-08-2013, 05:20 AM
      #19
    Green Broke
    I think that it's a tricky situation. It's hard enough getting a new boyfriend and having them get used to you being into horses. They don't understand the amount of time and money and heartache that goes into horses. But from the beginning it's part of the package. They deal or they move on.

    However, it's different for you because horses weren't part of the "package". You were together in a certain way and then you got horses and everything changed.

    I want to jump on the (somewhat) bandwagon and say that he should respect your hobbies and he needs to deal with this and he's being unreasonable. I can't though. I imagine about what if I was in a relationship, that things were a certain way, we spent time together around work, maybe select hobbies and we were happy. Then I imagine he got a new job, a new hobby and all of a sudden he's not around. He's working longer hours, then in his spare time he chooses to do something that I don't hate, but that I don't value either, like motorbikes or golf or something I have no interest in. I'd feel really upset. I'd ask myself why isn't he choosing to spend time with me anymore?

    When I'm in a relationship with someone it's important for me to spend time with them, to share our lives. I wouldn't date someone in the army or something, who went away for months, or even someone with a business job that was away every other weekend. I wouldn't have signed up for that.

    Horses aren't just a hobby, it's not like you're taking pottery a couple nights a week. They overtake almost every aspect of your life. You're a horse person, or you're not.

    I guess I'd just try to look at it from the perspective of has your relationship changed since getting the horse? Are you spending a lot less time together? Are you communicating less? Because if these are his complaints, then I do think they are valid because the relationship that you both agreed to continue has changed.

    When you do spend time together, do you talk about the horses? Or are you spending time with him? So many times I come home and blabber to anyone who will listen about what my horse has done today. Sometimes I forget that people don't care. I think that in some cases you have to leave the horse stuff at the stable, come home and be the wife, or the girlfriend or whatever.

    I'm not saying he is right, or you're wrong but I'm just saying that I might act exactly the same as him in a given situation.

    I know you think he's not making effort, not coming for barn lunches, but if you lunch off why can't you meet him at a local cafe? A park for a picnic? Effort goes both ways. Make a list (I love lists) of the time you spend with him, be honest about when you're actually together engaging, not just existing. Write your horse hours, the hours you used to be together, work out if there really is a problem that needs to be addressed, and what you could do. And talk about. Always talk.

    Sorry for my extremely long and unhelpful post.
         
        11-12-2013, 01:02 AM
      #20
    Showing
    Oh I see so many relationships where the man thinks all his guy stuff is important whereas anything wifey has or wants is frivolous. I've often joked with the men who are like this, a term I heard not too long ago. Would you rather your wife went to the bar or the barn when she needs a break.
    frlsgirl likes this.
         

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