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Marriage and Horses

This is a discussion on Marriage and Horses within the General Off Topic Discussion forums, part of the Life Beyond Horses category

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        11-15-2013, 04:13 PM
      #21
    Started
    Your husband needs to wake up and smell the coffee. He's a want, not a need, and you might have to remind him of that.

    Being married doesn't mean sacrificing your individuality or independence. You still have your own separate life. Your horse is none of his business and his approval is not needed. You are also not obligated to put up with any crap from him. End of story. Stay strong and stand up for yourself.
         
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        11-15-2013, 04:46 PM
      #22
    Started
    My boyfriend is often disappointed when I decide to spend time at the barn instead of spending it with him. I'll go out to the barn in the evening sometimes, and he'll call me with a sad tone when he finds out that I'm out there. He's not upset that I'm into horses, just that he gets to spend less time with me once in awhile. He has his activities that take him away from me sometimes, and it just takes communication to make sure that one of us isn't think that we'll hang out in the evening, while the other one is planning on being at the barn or doing another activity. There have been occasions when I've skipped going to the barn to spend the day with him, and there's been times that he's skipped things for me. You can't be selfish (not saying that you have been!) and feel that you are able to go out during every free moment and not have it take a toll on your relationship. However, he needs to accept that he may regularly have to do without you for a good portion of the day.

    Both of you need to try to communicate when you'll be free and when you aren't. Once in awhile suggest doing something together when you would normally go to the barn. Try to get home early enough to eat dinner with him and tell him what's going on at the barn. My boyfriend is not into horses, but when I get home I'll mention a few highlights from the trip. I think it goes a long way to making him feel included, and he knows that he's always encouraged to go out there with me.

    You know your husband better than I do. This could either be an adjustment period where he's trying to get used to life when you're not available every second, or this could be an indicator of bad things to come. You say that he doesn't want to go to the barn to eat lunch with you- does he expect you to come to his place of work to catch lunch occasionally? Does he get irritated if you suggest that you spend time together instead of doing his activity? Does he even HAVE a hobby that doesn't involve you? If he expects you to sacrifice your time and wishes without offering anything himself, then you have a problem. If he doesn't have his own hobbies, then that is probably part of the problem as well. If you're going to be at the barn all day, then he can't just go play baseball with his buddies (or whatever it is that men do!). Encourage him to spend that time doing something for himself, and help him to realize what that may be.

    The thing that concerns me most about the situation is that he is saying that you will step on whomever to realize your dreams. That shows a lack of confidence in you as a person, and a lack of trust. It also sounds like he is trying to make you feel guilty for any steps that you've taken to realize these dreams. I don't know what you mean by getting back into the horse industry, but if you really do plan on making some sort of living out of it- training, teaching lessons, working at a barn, owning a boarding stable someday- then his actions are not promising. If he can't even handle it with you owning a horse and doing normal horse ownership things, then how will he feel if you're spending many more hours a day out there away from him working with other peoples' horses? If those are the dreams that you truly have, then he may not be the sort of person that can accompany you through those dreams.
         
        11-15-2013, 04:51 PM
      #23
    Trained
    I agree with the posters suggesting hubby needs to pull his head out of his behind.
    A relationship is a part of life, not life itself. Men have a difficult time with this, especially if they are used to having a woman, either a mother, wife or gf, at their beck and call at all times.

    This is the reason I am no longer with my ex. It was fine for me to have ambitions between the hours of 9-5 and provide for him as long as I could be home to cook his supper and be available for child bearing. Mention any ambition outside of that was cause for a tantrum. Which is what it is, a tantrum, like a small child wanting sweets.

    If you want the relationship to work, go to therapy now. Personally I couldn't be bothered with the time already put into the relationship to then spend more time and money on something that obviously would not work to go, so we split up and now I just have a fun stalker who is just itching for a restraining order.

    Any boy who is going to whine about something as trivial as a horse, should just go live with his mother for the rest of days. Jmo.
    Posted via Mobile Device
    natisha likes this.
         
        11-15-2013, 09:36 PM
      #24
    Trained
    Quote:
    Originally Posted by DuckDodgers    
    My boyfriend is often disappointed when I decide to spend time at the barn instead of spending it with him. I'll go out to the barn in the evening sometimes, and he'll call me with a sad tone when he finds out that I'm out there. He's not upset that I'm into horses, just that he gets to spend less time with me once in awhile. He has his activities that take him away from me sometimes, and it just takes communication to make sure that one of us isn't think that we'll hang out in the evening, while the other one is planning on being at the barn or doing another activity. There have been occasions when I've skipped going to the barn to spend the day with him, and there's been times that he's skipped things for me. You can't be selfish (not saying that you have been!) and feel that you are able to go out during every free moment and not have it take a toll on your relationship. However, he needs to accept that he may regularly have to do without you for a good portion of the day.

    Both of you need to try to communicate when you'll be free and when you aren't. Once in awhile suggest doing something together when you would normally go to the barn. Try to get home early enough to eat dinner with him and tell him what's going on at the barn. My boyfriend is not into horses, but when I get home I'll mention a few highlights from the trip. I think it goes a long way to making him feel included, and he knows that he's always encouraged to go out there with me.

    You know your husband better than I do. This could either be an adjustment period where he's trying to get used to life when you're not available every second, or this could be an indicator of bad things to come. You say that he doesn't want to go to the barn to eat lunch with you- does he expect you to come to his place of work to catch lunch occasionally? Does he get irritated if you suggest that you spend time together instead of doing his activity? Does he even HAVE a hobby that doesn't involve you? If he expects you to sacrifice your time and wishes without offering anything himself, then you have a problem. If he doesn't have his own hobbies, then that is probably part of the problem as well. If you're going to be at the barn all day, then he can't just go play baseball with his buddies (or whatever it is that men do!). Encourage him to spend that time doing something for himself, and help him to realize what that may be.

    The thing that concerns me most about the situation is that he is saying that you will step on whomever to realize your dreams. That shows a lack of confidence in you as a person, and a lack of trust. It also sounds like he is trying to make you feel guilty for any steps that you've taken to realize these dreams. I don't know what you mean by getting back into the horse industry, but if you really do plan on making some sort of living out of it- training, teaching lessons, working at a barn, owning a boarding stable someday- then his actions are not promising. If he can't even handle it with you owning a horse and doing normal horse ownership things, then how will he feel if you're spending many more hours a day out there away from him working with other peoples' horses? If those are the dreams that you truly have, then he may not be the sort of person that can accompany you through those dreams.

    Couldn't you both plan to do your activities during the same time so then you're also free at the same time?
    Posted via Mobile Device
         
        11-16-2013, 01:42 AM
      #25
    Started
    Quote:
    Originally Posted by DancingArabian    
    Couldn't you both plan to do your activities during the same time so then you're also free at the same time?
    Posted via Mobile Device
    You could definitely try! Often times easier said than done though. If your lesson is at noon and his poker game is in the evening it's less doable. The problem that I think may be here is that she is gone to the barn for a good portion of her time (nothing wrong with that at all!) and that his activities take much less time. He gets home, she's still gone, he gets whiney.
    Posted via Mobile Device
         
        11-17-2013, 08:42 PM
      #26
    Weanling
    Quote:
    Originally Posted by ChelseaAnibelle    
    He is sincerely jealous of my time spent with the horse and time spent at work :/ I work 45-50 odd hour weeks, teaching kids about horses and sharing God at my work. And then I have to feed and train my horse. He works 40 hours a week, 9-5 and has hockey once or twice a week at like 8:00 PM, plus has online class twice a week. We're both kind of busy, but he thinks that his stuff is more important and that I should be at home more. We talked and agreed to just fully seek God in this time (not getting rid of my horse), and allow Him to bring peace between us, and allow us to swallow our pride. I've heard of that book though, the 5 Languages of Love, and I think I should look into it. Thank you!

    Here is the problem: Religious guys like that use religion to control women. You are seen as the subordinate wife, you should be a homemaker, and your primary purpose is procreation, raising children, and always putting your own goals and wants dead last.

    As the others said, and I will say much more bluntly and without apology: If that is not the thumb you want live under for your entire life, get out now while you are young, and before you have any children with that man. They never change. Mostly they just get more passive-aggressive and may turn abusive.
    franknbeans, waresbear and redpony like this.
         
        11-17-2013, 09:13 PM
      #27
    Green Broke
    The first thought that came to my head after I read your OP was, "How much time are you spending with your husband?"
    If you're spending all of your free time with your horse, then I understand where he is coming from and why he is not happy.
    franknbeans likes this.
         
        11-20-2013, 04:07 PM
      #28
    Foal
    Just a quick thought....if he's complaining about you spending your time with the horse......what's going to happen if you have kids??

    Kids can take up alot more time than your horse can....

    If you do think about having children with him in the future....I recommend the two of you get some MC....otherwise his insecurities is going to escalate....and your marriage will become unhealthy.
         
        11-20-2013, 05:24 PM
      #29
    Green Broke
    There's a reason God made a lot of men

    It took me 5 years to find the last horse I bought. My current BF was found in a Tractor Supply parking lot when he offered to put salt blocks into my truck for me. So far he's been great accepting my life style but if he ever made me chose-he'd lose. He knows I'm set in my ways & that there are a lot of parking lots.
    A partner should enhance your life, not be your life.
         
        11-20-2013, 06:30 PM
      #30
    Showing
    Oh, you married one of those who thinks his guy stuff is important while your stuff is frivolous. These guys are too stupid to realize a happy wifey makes a happy hubby. These guys are takers not givers. My sis married one and she was too stupid to ditch him. We get only one shot at our life on this earth so why spend it with someone who doesn't support you. My hubby was happy to haul hay, feed, etc. ok with vet bills but I made sure I spent time with him sharing what he enjoyed. (thank heavens it wasn't tv hockey or football)
         

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