Marriage and Horses - Page 4 - The Horse Forum
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post #31 of 35 Old 11-20-2013, 06:15 PM
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: U.S.A
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The thing about marriage is that two people are accepting each other as a semi-permanent factor of their lives. Every fault, every strong-suit, every difference, every similarity is something this person should have accepted or should have been willing to accept before he proposed. These are all things you'll have to deal with until you file for a divorce (or, more optimistically, until death does you part.) He should have known about your passion for horses and your desire to get one. Contrarily, from your first post (My marriage has been extremely rocky ever since the mention of getting back into the equine industry came about 8 months or so ago. With the mention of that, I went forth into the equine world again and bought a horse.) It sounds like the decision was made by you and you alone, however that may NOT be the case. I don't know the whole story.

Sit down and talk with him first before you assume that he's as bad as he's made out to be in this thread. Communication fixes everything. Gauge what to do from that conversation. Maybe he's afraid of horses? Take him out to the barn, show him a good time. Maybe he's afraid you'll get hurt? Support him and make him feel secure that you /won't/ get hurt. Maybe he feels like you left him out of the financial decision and therefore thinks all those things he does? Apologize profusely and ensure to him that you'll include him in major financial decisions in the future. You're a couple now, a team. You should have included him in the horse hunt and money making decisions. (Again, just operating on what /could/ be the problem.) Find a happy medium. Go to his hockey things with him and provide incentive to take an interest in your hobby. Open the door, lead by example and provide room for success in this relationship by doing so. Don't just up and call it quits over this one rocky period, because your marriage will not last if you operate that way. Remember, the bond of marriage is supposed to last for the rest of your life. There's a TON of room for other rocky patches. Don't rule out couples counseling either.

Now if you've tried sitting down and talking to him, finding ways to compromise, tried the counseling, and see no change? That's when you have to re-evaluate his character and whether or not you want to be tethered to him for forever. Some men do manipulate their women to the point of no return, I would know. I've witnessed it several times in my family. Those types will gripe about horses until she quits, then she picks up a book club. He'll gripe about that until she quits, then she'll pick up a college class. He'll gripe about that until she quits. Eventually he has manipulated her into being a stay at home mother with no friends and no ambitions. It's THOSE guys you gotta ditch before those wedding bells even get a chance to ring. It's you who has to know when to quit feeding into him.

And I do want to say that it's true - a marriage is to enhance your life and your separate lives don't disappear when you're dating or married. But you have to remember that a lot of people with insecurities demand more attention than others, what may be enough time spent together for you may not be enough time spent together for him. You have to find a happy medium that doesn't enable him to make your separate life disappear.

The path is different for you and me, but the journey begins in the heart.
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post #32 of 35 Old 11-20-2013, 06:34 PM
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Cariboo, British Columbia
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He has to be a little happy for you in your horse life or it's not going to be a happy or fulfilling union.

I am not here to promote anythingNo, that's not true, I am here to promote everything equestrian and everyone enjoying horses!
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post #33 of 35 Old 11-20-2013, 07:27 PM
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Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: SE TN
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Sometimes it's hard to be a woman
Giving all your love to just one man
You have bad times, and he'll have good times
Doing things that you don't understand
But if you love him, you'll forgive him
Even though he's hard to understand
And if you love him, oh be proud of him
'Cause after all, he's just a man

Stand by your man
Give him two arms to cling to
And something warm to come to
When nights are cold and lonely
Stand by your man
And show the world you love him
Keep giving all the love you can
Stand by your man
Stand by your man
And show the world you love him
Keep giving all the love you can
Stand by your man

For we wrestle not against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this world, against spiritual wickedness in high places.
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post #34 of 35 Old 11-20-2013, 08:24 PM
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Well-I have a few thoughts here, and mine are a little different than some of the others. Having been married over 35 years I have learned a few things. Take it or leave it. This is the same advice I give my kids. If the person you are with is not more portent than your personal wants-you are with the wrong person. Years ago I put my needs before my DH. He built us a huge house, where the horses could be in the yard….a real dream house. For all of the WRONG reasons. Things do not make people happy Happiness comes from a deeper level of relationship. It took us separation and years of couples counseling to get our act back together. I love my horses-he is allergic to them, and understands now why I have them and love them. But-he also knows that he is ALWAYS first. Kids are second, animals are after that. He puts my needs and wants ahead of his own and I do the same.
Whoever said you have to give 100% in marriage was wrong. You have to give at least 150%. And good communication is key. Spend the time and get it right.

I totally agree that some men use religion to control-my brother is one of them. Makes me sick. Please don't fall into that trap. You are your husband PARTNER, not his slave. But as a partner, you must do your part to support him, and he you. Go to a few of his hockey games and show an interest, perhaps.
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post #35 of 35 Old 11-20-2013, 09:35 PM
Join Date: Feb 2008
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Originally Posted by ChelseaAnibelle View Post
My marriage has been extremely rocky ever since the mention of getting back into the equine industry came about 8 months or so ago. With the mention of that, I went forth into the equine world again and bought a horse. My husband now thinks that the horse is more important than him, that I “idolize” horses, and that I would run over anyone to get my dream. While he comes from a wealthy family, I come from a less fortunate one, and I work my butt off to be able to have my dream. He’s extremely hurt by us not spending enough time together and blames the horse for everything, but he’s not willing to go to my work (a barn) to eat lunch with me or come and hang out with Ladybird and I. Has anyone else struggled with balancing a horse and a relationship? How did you go about fixing it?
Oh waw that is a really tough situation. I don't even know what to actually say or how to respond. I think he just needs to understand your passion and understand that its entirely different than your relationship with him. I would suggest going for couple's counsilling just to have someone help you talk about it, and have a non-bias person help you guys talk things thru.
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