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Motorcycle crash renders me unsupportive

3K views 32 replies 21 participants last post by  Cacowgirl 
#1 ·
My boyfriend literally woke up one morning and decided he wanted to get a motorcycle. I have always been supportive of his choices, however; this choice seemed so painfully random, and unlike him. After all the gear and the purchase of the bike, he was nearly $5000 in, so I just kept my mouth shut about it.

On the occasion we would speak a bit about the dangers involved in motorcycle riding, which usually ended in him going on about the dangers of horseback riding. I can't say much... when i was eventing, i had a rotational fall that left me in a coma. So I clearly understand the dangers of riding and jumping horses. But I feel like it's not the same. I've been riding since i was 5. It's part of me. It's who i am. It's not just a fad, or an idea. It's a lifestyle choice that i had made long before the boyfriend!

Anyway, so today he decides he wants to go out with a huge group of people from an internet forum, to ride a canyon that goes through Malibu. Long story short, he ended up losing control of the bike and laying it down. He's alright. Minus a large amount of road rash, a ruined pair of $400 motorcycle boots, a cracked $500 helmet, and a completely wrecked 2012 Ninja.

I have told him that this is it. He needs to get the money from the insurance and be done with it. He says i'm not being supportive. And i agree. I'm not. But come on! He's only had the damn bike for 5 months and he totals it!!! I'm angry and bitter about it. So what do ya'll think.... how would you feel?
 

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#2 ·
I feel like if he's supporting you in the VERY dangerous sport of horse back riding... you should support him. Maybe it's not 'just a fad' and just because he hasn't been riding since he was he was five (yeah, pretty sure there are laws preventing that...) doesn't mean it isn't as much a part of him as riding is a part of you. Maybe it's something he's secretly wanted to do for a long time?

I, personally, think you're being hypocritical. I don't like motorcycles either, but you have to put it into perspective...

Did he demand you sell your horse when you fell? Does he demand you sell your horse every time you fall and have a minor injury (or no injury)? Do you oblige him?

If not, then you have no place to tell him to do the same.
 
#3 ·
yes, you're right about a lot. However, the difference is that when i'm thrown, it tends not to cost anything. I'm sore for a couple days, and that's it. The price that he pays with every fall off that bike is incredibly monetary, as well as the very high chance of paying the ultimate price with his life. It's really tough to just be "okay" with it.
 
#4 ·
And while that IS true, I'm sure you're spending LOTS of money on your hobby as well. And while it may not seem as likely to you, a fall very well COULD cost you your life. And I feel like, as riders, we're more prone to falling (horses spook, bolt, refuse) than someone riding a bike. I know it's hard to see this accident and NOT think it's going to happen every other day, but chances are it ISN'T, and you're doing damage to yourself (mentally, emotionally) and your relationship by worrying.
 
#5 ·
I have a similar situation. However, I trust that he is safe on the road and always wears his gear. I do worry about the other *******s on the road, but such is life. I personally dont ride, bikes scare the hell out of me. I'm not about to suggest that he give up the bikes just because its not my cup of tea.

Life isnt safe. You can die at any moment, from anything. Might as well enjoy life and do what you love.

And unless you are paying for his hobby then its really not your concern what he does with his money.
 
#6 ·
If you think about it...hes only $5000 in and he'll be getting money from insurance for the wrecked bike. How much are you(and your parents!) in on your horse since you were five? I think since he's being supportive of you in a risky sport it, you should be supportive of him in his hobby as well. Its his life, his money. I say be thankful he wasnt seriously hurt in the accident :)
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#7 ·
I do agree with the others in that while you may not like his choice, being supportive of him in his hobby of choice will allow for less conflict and a better bond between the two of you.

If he is supportive of your habit, gots gives you a sense of comfort, yes? Kind of like 'Hey, he knows how much this means to me and cares enough to support me whether or not it be the safest hobby.'

Imagine him thinking the same thing. He'll look to you for support and trust that you'll be there to do so.

I understand the dangers of motorcycles. I've been injured many a time, but it was something I liked doing so I kept on doing it! Not many of my friends or family were supportive, but the few that were, I valued their opinions far more and looked to them before anyone else.

I'm certain the two of you aren't lacking in trust, but this is just another thing that will add to that and make you two stronger.
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#8 · (Edited)
You're not being rational. Riding horses is MORE dangerous than riding motorcycles, and you've already been seriously injured.

If this is his passion, you're honor bound to support him. If you don't, then you're the worst type of hypocrite.

At least his bike has some monetary value and can be replaced easily enough. You can't say the same about horses. Plus, except for regular maintenance costs, his iron horse is much less expensive overall than your flesh and blood one.

You don't have the right to dictate his life. As long as HE understands the risks and are fine with them, you need to smile and deal with his hobby. If you don't, some other girl will.
 
#9 ·
His crash costs money so he has to get rid of the bike? How much do you outlay on your horse on a weekly basis. My bet is more than he has outlaid on the bike.

I think you are being a hypocrite. You have an expensive, dangerous hobby. You can't dictate what he chooses to have as a hobby.
 
#11 · (Edited)
Yeah. I agree with the above posters though I do get where the OP is coming from. My spouse bought his first Harley 2 years ago and although it terrifies me I support him. I was a paramedic and in LE for years so I have a lot of first hand experience with seeing the aftermath of motorcycle accidents. I had literal panic attacks the first few times I rode with him, but I've gotten better about it. Still not comfy with riding the motorcycle but I do support his hobby.

Want to know the ironic part? He got into horses because of me and seriously fractured his left wrist last fall after getting thrown off (moments after the pic in my avatar was taken). Love him for not throwing THAT back in my face LOL.
 
#12 ·
I've ridden horses (off and on) most of my life, got my first motorcycle last summer at age 53. Be supportive. If he's over riding his skill level, that would be cause for concern. Rather than saying "get rid of your bike, it's dangerous", what about suggesting he take a rider safety course? I took basic rider safety before I got my bike (I had NEVER ridden before) and it has been invaluable. My husband took it with me, he needed a refresher after not having ridden for years.
 
#13 ·
i just find it a little strange that one could wake up one morning and be "passionate" about motorcycles. He's still making payments on the bike. It's not something that he bought outright. So while I may spend thousands and thousands of dollars a month on my horse, it's money that i have to spend. My horse is not owned by the bank, and isn't under the constraints of what an insurance company decides is covered or not. So if the insurance company decides that the bike isn't worth as much as he owes, then he's upside-down. Or if they decide that the bike can be fixed and not totaled out, then he's stuck with a bike that he'll never be able to sell due to it having been in a bad crash. For instance, would you buy a car with a salvage title?

And if we can touch briefly on the subject of horse riding accidents vs. motorcycle accidents:
Book of Odds: The Dangers of Hog & Horse Accidents

Per capita, horses are 20 times more dangerous. Which i understand. However look at the stats for deadly motorcycle accidents. I would venture to believe that most of us know at least one person that has either been critically injured or killed on a motorcycle. While I personally, don't know anyone (thank goodness) whom has been killed by their horse. Has every single one of my riding friends been thrown 100+ times, yes. But hospitalized, no.
 
#16 ·
Well I am naive. I never really thought of riding horses being that dangerous. Always thought motorcycles would top it. Anyway, as soon as we can afford it I would like to get my hubby a motorcycle. He would love one. I will worry but I will support him.
 
#17 ·
Just because you don't understand it doesn't mean it's impossible. Have you talked to him about this 'sudden passion'?

Your money arguments make no sense to me, the horse market is pretty poopy right now and horses like to hurt themselves, if your horse gets hurt chances are its worth less than his damaged motorcycle, and while you might be spending money you 'have'- the bank was willing to finance him, they dont usually do that for people who won't be able to pay, personally I would rather finance something like that if I had the option and it was convenient for me to pay off.

The bottom line is- motorcycles are dangerous and can be expensive, horses are dangerous an are very expensive, being unsupportive f him in his passion (no matter how new it is) while he supports you in yours is a sure fire way to damage your relationship.
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#18 ·
I am short on time right now, but I will answer later when I am work & have time, lol (work huh?). My hubby rides and has crashed, I will give you my perspective on it, might help you.
 
#19 ·
He didn't just wake up one morning and suddenly decide to get into motorcycles, I guarantee he's been thinking about it for quite some time and just now told you. Now he has to get the experience needed to ride how he wants. Let me ask you a question, at 5, after 6 months of riding would you have climbed up on a thouroughbred at the racetrack and raced around the track? That's essentially what he did and a common mistake among new bike riders (Yes I rode one for years before getting into horses). Just like new horse people buy a horse that's to much for them, new bike riders buy a bike that's to much for them.

My suggestion, don't lay down the law about him riding. If he listens to you he'll likely end up deeply resenting you making him give up something he enjoys. That can lead to some major blowups about other topics but the root is in him giving up the bike and likely it will be over your horses. If he doesn't listen to you and you insist it will end up in some major blowups. So instead (don't nag) suggest he starts riding a less powerful bike until he gets more experience and to take some riding instructions. Also helps to get a cheap to repair used bike for learning on.

Here's another bit of information for you when it comes to bikes. There are two types of bike riders. Those who have laid their bike down and those who lie about having laid their bike down.
 
#20 ·
Count me in the irrational and hypocritical camp. My husband knows that if he buys a bike he will never hear the end of it. I know a lot more horse riders than bike riders, but of those I know zero equestrians who've been killed, but multiple bikers who've been killed. It's not him I don't trust, it's the idiots who don't look where they're going who scare the crap out of me. He is a decent driver but not a defensive enough driver for a bike, so no bike. Dirt is a lot kinder than concrete and car bumpers.
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#21 ·
Eh...in the Face household we don't tell each other what we can or can't do...except for that threesome with Johnny Depp that Mrs. Face keeps talking about - that ain't gonna happen. Anna Faris maybe, but not Johnny Depp...
 
#22 ·
Lol! It's not that I'm telling him he 'can't', he just understands that he would have a severely unhappy wife, which usually results in a severely unhappy husband. He doesn't care much for the horses, but also hasn't outright forbidden them - he's just let it be known that if they were to be sold, he would probably celebrate.
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#23 · (Edited)
Whenever my Hubby decides to do something dangerous, like hand gliding or not going to the doctor, I always tell him that my second husband and I will enjoy spending his money.

He has never hand glided, he just mentioned it once.

I would totally freak out if my husband got a motorcycle, I am sure I couldn't do a thing about it though.
 
#24 ·
I agree with SR. If you're not supportive of his new hobby, some other girl will be. I also agree with Darrin that this wasn't a spur-of-the-moment decision. He's probably thought a lot about it, but knowing how you'd react, he made the decision on his own.

My ex-husband rode a motorcycle when I met him. He had a 1996 Ninja ZX-6R. He bought it new and, while I knew that he knew how to ride, I still worried. As has been said, I didn't worry so much about him as I did about all the other idiots out on the road. However, it was his passion and he loved that bike, so I was supportive...even when he desperately wanted to upgrade from him little 6R to a Suzuki Hayabusa (1300cc crotch rocket...the fastest bike in production, at least at the time).

I think you're totally being hypocritically. It honestly doesn't sound like you're concerned about his safety. It sound like you only care about the money he's spending. Even with the payments he's making, and insurance and maintenance costs, he's spending FAR less per month than you are on your horse.
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#25 ·
I couldn't imagine having the nuts to tell my boyfriend that he had to sell his bike or wasn't allowed to ride motorcycles. He's a grown man and you aren't his mother, you're his girlfriend. Either support him in exploring this passion or decide that it's something you cannot deal with and end the relationship. Horses are a very dangerous hobby and much more expensive than motorcycles, so in my opinion you are being very hypocritical.

I dated a guy who thought it was ridiculous and dangerous that I rode horses (funnily enough he was a motorcycle rider that did high speed stunts on his bike), he didn't like it, but beyond a little ribbing he kept his mouth shut because he knew that it was my life and decision. Our relationship would've ended a lot sooner if he would've tried telling me what to do about my horses and my hobby.
 
#26 ·
The ninja is a 250cc bike. Nothing big. As a matter of fact, i LOVE bikes. I grew up with a father that rode sport bikes. Nothing smaller than a 1000 cc bike was parked in our driveway. So i was raised around a man that was confident and safe with his bike. My boyfriend on the other hand, was scared. Right out of the gate. He was terrified of riding and terrified of falling. So that really made me nervous. I know those of you know what i'm talking about... those people you meet that maybe love horses and want to ride, but are so terrified they can barely function. It makes you nervous. Makes you worry that their lack of confidence will end in a mess. Which it normally does. The same can be said in this instance. He went out with a bunch of confident veteran riders, and ended up being the squid and trashing his bike.

You're all very right. I'm not his mother. I'm not his wife. I can't tell him what he can and cannot do. I just wish he was more confident and comfortable with his "passion" so that i could feel like he was going to always chose to do what is the most right and the most safe.... not just for him, but for other people on the road as well.
 
#27 ·
I find it odd that you say he is terrified & lacks confidence....generally I have found that overconfidence coupled with inexperience is at the root of most wrecks (equine and motorcycle). The answer is education and PRACTICE. I've been riding a year (800cc Suzuki) and have yet to lay it down. I WAS terrified...I spent weeks just riding around the block, learning my bike. I still recommend a riding course.
 
#28 ·
Can you get hin interested in golf? Most of the "equal money for hobby" couples I know are horse/golf related. That's a bummer he went with bike. That's a tough fence to ride. You sort of have to be mutually supportive since your hobby is dangerous too, but I can see where you're coming from.
 
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