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Need advice and to vent about "friend"!

This is a discussion on Need advice and to vent about "friend"! within the General Off Topic Discussion forums, part of the Life Beyond Horses category

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        02-28-2013, 10:42 AM
      #11
    Yearling
    I've had friendships that have drifted apart - and I've been on both ends - the one left behind, and the one who moved on. Sometimes jobs or lifestyles or life in general shapes us and we end up slowly adapting to new things or growing out of old things and looking for new things. Don't take it as an insult if she's not wanting to hang out so much - it might just be that she's looking for different things in her life now. There are so many influences that you may not see which are driving her down the path she is on. But it does sound like it is time to let it go. I agree with Fourteen and I personally wouldn't bother sending even a happy bday wish. What you need to do is find something else to keep you busy and even if the one time she calls and you aren't busy, fake it anyway - you need to cut the emotional ties and she needs to see that you aren't always there waiting on the shelf for her when she decides it's convenient for her to be friends all of a sudden.

    I think you need to hold your chin up and start letting go. It won't happen overnight but if you want to salvage even the tiniest bit of your relationship with her, make sure you aren't coming across as being clingy and just let her have all the time she needs even if it is months and months. And put your family first - don't let her be disrespectful in your house. It is time for you to set your boundaries, too. She sounds like she is going thru some stuff - don't get sucked in. You can be supportive, but don't go chasing her around. Part of life lessons is learning how to 'be' a friend and not just 'having' friends - and this is a lesson she needs to learn. But for what it is worth, hang in there. It doesn't feel all that great right now but it will get better. Relationships (especially BFF breakups when they happen) are hard work.
    TrailRiderr likes this.
         
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        02-28-2013, 10:57 AM
      #12
    Green Broke
    Well..while I'd probably smack someone if they said my boyfriend/husband was dead to them..wasn't she drunk? I've learned to not pay attention to anything someone says if they're drunk, coming from a family of alcoholics on both sides.

    I wasn't trying tonsay she needed understanding..I'm trying to say to leave her alone with her "personal time" and if she comes back (ETA, with a genuine apology), then she was always a friend and obviously going through a very hard patch in life.

    I went through it with an ex-friend who was insane (well..turned insane). I told him I'd be there for him if he wanted to be friends again down the road, he never came back though. Thought I added that story in there, guess not, apologies.

    My point that I was trying to make (and completely butchered it, obviously) was to let her know you'll be there if she wants you back as a friend. Not to continue with her bullsh!t for the time being.

    I know that if I get drunk (not saying it happens all the time or anything..) that I'm not a nice person. I think I'm making jokes that no one takes as jokes and when someone makes me mad by saying a slightly rude joke back to me I holler and threaten to hit them..Which is why I will never drink at a bar unless I have money for hospital bills and assault charges (for me or someone else) and I won't drink with most people because I know how I can get, and I'm not willing to do such without someone I trust to hold me back/calm me down, knock me out, etc. Her friend obviously doesn't know her drinking limits either.

    But..if I misread and this friend said that your husband is dead to her while she was sober, then it'd be over..I think I read it as her saying it when she was drunk though, which like I said before..I pay no attention to what anyone says if their drunk.
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        02-28-2013, 10:58 AM
      #13
    Foal
    Thank you...

    Iseul~ It was the next day. She said it several times and she was most definitely sober.
         
        02-28-2013, 11:02 AM
      #14
    Green Broke
    I agree with speedracer. If you are done your done! And if anyone disrespected my husband in that way, they are out!
    TrailRiderr likes this.
         
        02-28-2013, 11:04 AM
      #15
    Showing
    Look up the meaning of in vino veritas est, Iseul. People say and do things when they're drunk that they wouldn't sober, because their filter is off.

    Doesn't mean they don't MEAN what they're saying or doing, because they do. It's just with the sober filter on, they're a little more civilized.
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        02-28-2013, 11:28 AM
      #16
    Green Broke
    Alright..my phone ate the giant post I had..so this'll be shorter so I don't ruin my phone if it does it again.

    Anywho, I haven't looked it up yet, but will. I know that the majority of the stuff I say drunk has never even crossed my mind, let alone it being true. I've been told my many people what I say, and aside from one horrid night at college in WV, it's very rare that I actually mean anything I say when I'm drunk.

    I also know that my dad had never even thought of hitting me and almost hit my mum when she did..But he use to try hit me and my cousins drunk because he thought he was messing around, didn't realize at the point that he's easily double, triple our size. I was never rude about it when I told him what he was doing the night before when I talked to him the next morning.

    Personally, I think it depends on the person and how they react to alcohol.

    I can't say for sure if her friend was being truthful or not without a filter, but I don't know her either. Anyone I've ever drank with knows that I don't mean anything I say and to pretty much ignore me when it gets to that point. I've been told I've said some pretty nasty things and no one has taken it to heart because they know I don't mean it.

    But..I guess it's a moot point since OP's friend said it sober the next day. In which case, friend gone, means nothing to me more than a random Joe Schmoe off the road at that point.
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        02-28-2013, 11:49 AM
      #17
    Trained
    Alcohol is a drug. It is a mind altering chemical and what some one says while under the influence does not mean that is how they feel.
    Sometimes it does sometimes not.
    Life is about change and how you deal with that change is important.
    Relationships grow , evolve, and sometimes end because the individuals change and mature. It is only natural.
    Every change brings another opprotunity to grow or meet new people.
    If your friendship with this person is not what you want it to be perhaps you should distance yourself from her. Just keep in touch sporadically. Wish her a happy B Day and IMO refuse to drink with her again. EVER. Shalom
    nvr2many likes this.
         
        02-28-2013, 11:55 AM
      #18
    Green Broke
    ^^^ And this is only one reason I do not drink!
         
        02-28-2013, 12:17 PM
      #19
    Super Moderator
    It sounds like she may be a raging alchoholic. She is busy burning her bridges and working her way toward bottom. Stand back, let her do what she must and in some time, she'll either destroy herself or , if she is lucky, hit bottom, find the help she needs , get sober, and start rebuilding the bridges. That's the time you are open to hearing her apology.
    nvr2many and dbarabians like this.
         
        02-28-2013, 12:26 PM
      #20
    Trained
    There is a saying that true friends can not talk for years and then pick up the phone and chat like they saw each other yesterday.
    I have very few friends left in my home town, most have moved away. But when I phone one or they phone me it is a no grudge hey how are you.
    Let her figure herself out and in a few years who knows your great friend might be back. Placing expectations on other people is the worst thing you can do because you will always be disappointed.
    Go and make new friends, and live your life without so much reliance on other people for happiness. Let them do them and you do you.

    Good luck!
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