Needed to vent some... - The Horse Forum

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post #1 of 12 Old 05-06-2013, 04:16 PM Thread Starter
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Needed to vent some...

Ugh, I guess I just need somewhere to vent right now. This might be long, but it's much needed. I will try to provide as much back story as I can so if anyone does decide to actually read this, wont be so lost. Starting in 2009 and up until about two years ago my life was in the gutter and I was headed towards total destruction. I was an out of control, drug addict, alcoholic, with many many psychological issues. I was suicidal and basically successfully killed myself two times. It was in the midst of all of this that I met my current boyfriend. We met in a suicide chat room back in 2009 and I was engaged at the time. He lived in California and I in Florida. Long story short, I moved to CA to live with him two years ago. We have so much in common and we understand each other mentally; for the most part. I moved seeing this as a chance to start my life over, quit drinking, quit drugging, and getting the proper help and medications I need to control my psychological problems. I kinda went "balls to the wall" with it and am back in school, getting fit (lost 40 lbs so far), I'm clean and sober, I work hard to make ends meet etc...my boyfriend on the other hand does not have the kind of motivation I now have, to live a better, healthier life. He is overweight and has health problems because of it. He says he doesn't have the will power to start eating right. Now this upsets me because it makes me feel like I'm not enough of a reason to want to get healthy. He is what motivated me to become who I am today. He said it's so easy for me to change things. What he doesn't understand is that it's not. I feel like I'm the one putting in all the effort and feel that he is dragging me down now. I don't want to leave him because I owe my life to him, I love him, and I am happy with him. I'm afraid this is all going to go south because it seems we are going in different directions now. How can I motivate him to want to get healthy? I just don't know.
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post #2 of 12 Old 05-06-2013, 04:24 PM
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This may be hard to hear but only he can motivate himself to step up and have a better life. Why does he need to change a thing when he has "everything" that he could ever want or need? :/

I wouldn't think of it as you owe him your life. You found strength to change your ways.. which isn't easy.

^^ Just how I see it.. don't let that hold you back. If it's not working then you need to go another way around it. Maybe set small goals for each other or take him to a counselor.
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post #3 of 12 Old 05-06-2013, 05:03 PM
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It's very important that YOU keep company with other people who are living in recovery. For the time being, I would suggest you seek out NA or AA groups and stay in the company of others who know the daily work required to stay sober.

You don't have to stop loving your boyfriend, but you must take care of yourself , first and foremost. Maybe he will choose to join you there, maybe not. But if you lose your sobriety, all is lost, including him.
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post #4 of 12 Old 05-06-2013, 09:09 PM
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you need to live your life for you, you can't "make " someone anything , happy sad love whatever they have to do it for themselves. I stayed in a horrendous marriage trying to "Make" someone happy that was determined to be miserable and wanted everyone around them to be miserable too, ev entually I said screw that. Be miserable all you want I'm going to be happy. And I am. You have to make your self happy and do what is good for you. Have people in your life that you enjoy. But don't delude yourself that you can make anyone do anything
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post #5 of 12 Old 05-07-2013, 12:40 AM
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Well, you know what they say, you are responsible for your own happiness. He can't make you responsible for his, and vice-versa.
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There is just as much horse sense as ever, but the horses have most of it.
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post #6 of 12 Old 05-07-2013, 12:47 AM Thread Starter
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Originally Posted by Missy May View Post
Well, you know what they say, you are responsible for your own happiness. He can't make you responsible for his, and vice-versa.
I am happy, it's just, I fear he's not going to be around in the long run due to his health problems that he has the power to fix. Ya know?
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post #7 of 12 Old 05-07-2013, 01:00 AM
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Originally Posted by PurpleMonkeyWrench View Post
I am happy, it's just, I fear he's not going to be around in the long run due to his health problems that he has the power to fix. Ya know?
That is just it, he has the power to fix them and they won't get fixed until he himself is motivated from within. It has been my experience that you can't "fix" other people.

There is just as much horse sense as ever, but the horses have most of it.
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post #8 of 12 Old 05-07-2013, 01:01 AM Thread Starter
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That is just it, he has the power to fix them and they won't get fixed until he himself is motivated from within. It has been my experience that you can't "fix" other people.
I know but there must be something I can do to light a fire under his butt
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post #9 of 12 Old 05-07-2013, 09:22 AM
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I know but there must be something I can do to light a fire under his butt

Not if HE doesn't want to change. HE must make that decision, not someone else. I'm sure its tough to watch someone you love not make the right decisions, and you've done your best in trying to motivate him, but if HE doesnt want to, I would stop pushing him, especially if its dragging you down. You need to surround yourself with positive people.

This is what happens when you have democrats in office
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post #10 of 12 Old 05-07-2013, 10:00 AM
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We can only save ourselves. If your BF doesn't want to, there's nothing you can do or say that will change his mind.

Also, HE did not save you, that was something you did yourself. He may have been your inspiration, but it was your own inner strength and determination that made it happen. Please don't confuse that with thinking HE saved you.
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