I was raised in a laid-back Christmas/Easter Christian family, and since I was a teenager I do not consider myself Christian. I jokingly call myself a Buddhichristiapagatotemist because I have found elements of Buddhism, Christianity, Paganism, and Totemism that have been meaningful in my life. That said, I’ve made my peace with the fact that other people follow Christianity as a source of their faith. For some folks it’s the faith itself, for others it’s the community built around the faith. If it gives you hope, solace, comfort, and has a meaningful place in your life, use what works.
I do understand feeling like a bit of an outsider. My chief “belief” or way of thinking is Totemism, but not in the “Hurr durr I like wolves cause they’re cool therefore a wolf is my spirit animal” way that many people think of. Many people come into totemism wanting to know what an animal “represents” – I once walked out of a spirituality panel because the speaker said, and I quote, “Well I’m a Native American, and my people know a lot about this stuff”.
By that logic, I am Irish, so I know a lot about potatoes, whiskey, and peat moss. It’s also an extremely limiting way to think – you weren’t born Native American or white or Chinese or whatever, so therefore this mysterious osmosis-knowledge is lost to you! But that is a classic anthropological phenomenon. We need to distinguish our own culture from that of the “outsiders”, and religion is just one of hundreds of ways we do that. In a way, horses serve this purpose, for we are finding our “people” and our own niche of people like us within this community.
As far as totemism is concerned, I have tried to view it not as a weird, mystical-woo-woo outside force seeking me out, but something about a symbol that has meaning to me. My job is to discover why this symbol holds so much meaning for me, what that meaning is, and what it means for my life. It is a practice of self-reflection and meditation, as well as research into the symbol itself. It is less something seeking you out, but more you seeking the symbol out based on an emotional or mental need you have in your life.
That said, learning to be gracious as well as prudent in who you let into your spiritual life will go a long way to keeping peace on that subject.