Well I had a melt down this morning.
Finally really hit me when I was coming home from cleaning the barn I work at and wound up at my friends and just lost it when I got in her driveway. Now I feel like any and everything is going to make me cry all over again. Why is is that crying is so exhausting
I talked to my sister this morning and actually got to speak to my dad on the phone, he was awake and alert.
He is being transported home to have home hospice care in a little while and they are having a celebration of life party at 6.
I said I wasnt going....told my dad I might but I feel like its just way to much for me irght now and I don't want to be that awkward person since I only know my sister and dad....barely at that. I also feel like I would just fall apart all over again and I am so done cry for the day. I hate crying.
The transportation will be high risk since everything sets his heart rate and blood pressure off and he gets his coughing attacks...
They said they would call me when he got home and settled, so that is what I am currently waiting on. I again got very little sleep last night and expect till all of this is over I wont get much more the I already am.
I am out to go spend time with Ollie, he is about the only one who can really help me right now since my boyfriend is at work.
I have so much going through my head, good and bad and I know its natural but I still feel really really guilty for not seeing him sooner when he asked, when he was not so sick, called him more and not waiting for him to call me, gotten together and met the family when it wasn't under these circumstances. I feel like I may have failed being daughter to a father I never had till just this year. Its all I ever wanted growing up so why didn't I act on it when he became apart of my life.
I hate having no control over what is happening and it feels like its all happening so fast. I want to hit pause and just breath but can't.
Ill update more later when I hear more.
Thank you guys so so so so much for all your support through this. Its so much easier to get it out when you don't know people so personally if you know what I mean.
You guys are helping me cope with all of this more then you ever will understand!
I was listening to music in my car on my way home just now and my Cd has this song that made me just loose it all over again cause I feel like I can relate to it...
I lost my Dad last year after 7 months in hospital. We didn't have the best of relationships, so I understand the "bad daughter" guilt trips. I don't know your back story but I'm sure your Dad is very proud of how you have turned out and is grateful that you have been in touch with him. Hard as it is that your time has been so short, it is better than none at all. Sure, you might have played things differently had you known what the future held - I can guarantee, we've all been there. Please try to be kind to yourself and don't beat yourself up with those negative regrets. You have tough times ahead. I am thinking of you and wish for you the strength to see it through to sunnier times. X
UPDATE 7/22/13 Still with us, not for long though :(
So A. I am really pissed off right now and B. I am an emotional wreck.
So I got a call last night from my sister in law tell me he was going to be passing in a few minutes by the look of it, so of course I just lost my SH*T and broke down crying on the floor. Left my house cause I just couldn't handle being there and went to my trainers (family friend as well) and broke down further there in their arms and my boyfriend came to help me out and we all went out to sit in Ollies stall and get me to calm down.
I got my emotions together, and went home with my boyfriend and just slept....or layed there.. poor guy was doing all he could to help me feel better and I am sure I was no help.
So this morning he got me up and out of bed....just enough for me to migrate to the couch and curl up in his lap in a blanket. Something about him makes me feel safe and comforted and we don't even have to talk.
So he made it through the night and all of today....he is having trouble with his breathing but getting the pain relief he needs every hour and is at home with family...I can't be there....that is just way to much for me to handle and I know that would do more mental damage to me then any good feelings.
So today I went to my friends house when my boyfriend had to go to work. We just made cupcakes and hung out with her horse Z. Just to keep my mind off of what was happening.
So tonight my mom she is really doing all she can to support me through this and we had just started talking bout all of whats goingon and the stupid land lady who lives next to us just comes over and sits down at the table and starts talking.....all through dinner....
That is all for now
Thanks again for all of your support!!!
I want you to take what I'm about to say with a huge grain of salt because it's not exactly like your situation, but similar enough that I think it might need saying.
Go see your Dad. I know it will be tough for you emotionally, but trust me, the guilt of not going to see him would haunt you indefinitely after he's gone.
When my Grandma got sick, I simply couldn't bear to go see her in the hospital, knowing that she was just wasting away, in pain. So I didn't go see her. When she passed away, my grief was greatly overshadowed by my guilt. We lost her 8 years ago and I still feel overwhelming guilt whenever I think of her. The only things that go through my mind are; what if she'd wanted to see me? What if she was looking for me? What if I could have done something to ease her passing, even if it was nothing more than holding her hand or giving her a kiss on the cheek? Why was I such a coward?
It's really hard to see them in that shape, but the guilt if you don't is so much worse because there's simply no closure.
Today was a rough day.
Dad passed away a little after 4am, after getting to see his two other sons from CO and have them say their good byes and be there with him.
I am of course grieving and sad and it hasn't sun in and I feel numb yet am in physical pain like I have never experienced.
I got to say my good byes, say I love you and feel really good that I was able to do that when he was in a place that he could hear me and tell me he loves me back. I will always cherish that in my heart for as long as I live.
Because I am so tired I am just going to copy down what I out on Facebook since all my family and friends there knew also what was going on instead of trying to re write it and make sense of it all over again.
Thanks for you support, means so much to me.
He is now in a better place where I know I can talk to him anytime even if I don't hear him answer right away.
Never felt so comforted by the sound of a voice besides my mom. I'm so thankful to have such a caring loving new family members.
I am looking forward to future good times and many many memories with brothers and sisters and nieces and nephews, aunts and even a grandfather, most who even knew me before I was adopted.
Love you guys so much, thank you for helping me figure out who I am and where I come from.
I also want to thank my amazing mom who has guided me to be the person I am today, to be strong, positive and hopeful throughout the 20 years of her raising me I would be nothing, I owe all I am to her and she stands by me supporting me through this very rough time.
Thank you to all who have called, texted, held me when iv been at my worst recently and simply just talked to me just to get me talking and not hold it all in. Thanks for the thoughts and prayers none of you have gone un noticed.
This is just a new chapter in my life. To become more of an adult and learn who I am an grow closer to many new family members.
This will only make me stronger and wiser of a person and that's what my dad would want.
One day at a time. Doing things that make me happy and family proud.