Rules for dating my daughter
   

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Rules for dating my daughter

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  • Rules for dating a chef
  • Rules for dating a chef's daughter

 
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    02-09-2009, 04:27 PM
  #1
Showing
Rules for dating my daughter

I've always kept a copy of these rules and they have served me well. I particularly like #6


Rule One: If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up.

Rule Two: You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.

Rule Three: I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes to big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of you date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.

Rule Four: I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a "Barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.

Rule Five: It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is: “early."

Rule Six: I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.

Rule Seven: As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process than can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?

Rule Eight: The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to introduce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka - zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which feature chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.

Rule Nine: Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged, dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.

Rule Ten: Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveways you should exit the car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, and then return to your car - there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.
     
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    02-09-2009, 04:31 PM
  #2
Yearling
Funny stuff.
     
    02-09-2009, 06:07 PM
  #3
Green Broke
Quote:
Originally Posted by shmurmer4    
funny stuff.

Yea, date his daughter and see how funny he is. Lol.
     
    02-09-2009, 06:41 PM
  #4
Yearling
I totally agree with every single rule on that list. My daughter is only 7 months old and I'm already getting prepared.
Although, when a boy comes to the door to pick up my daughter the first time, I plan on going to the door in a bloody apron sharpening my chef's knife. That outta send the message loud and clear.
     
    02-09-2009, 06:51 PM
  #5
Showing
Quote:
Originally Posted by RegalCharm    
yea, date his daughter and see how funny he is. Lol.
Exactly...
     
    02-09-2009, 07:47 PM
  #6
Green Broke
Quote:
Originally Posted by Whipple    
I totally agree with every single rule on that list. My daughter is only 7 months old and I'm already getting prepared.
Although, when a boy comes to the door to pick up my daughter the first time, I plan on going to the door in a bloody apron sharpening my chef's knife. That outta send the message loud and clear.


Then ask him if he knows what the term GELDED means. LOL
     
    02-09-2009, 09:56 PM
  #7
Yearling
Not scared, black hats and RI's taught me not to be :)

During the time I was in the military a man tried that cleaning his weapon non-sense, I asked him if he wanted me to teach him to use it.
     
    02-10-2009, 12:30 AM
  #8
Chat Moderator
The gun he is cleaning is not the one you need to fear it is the one he has concealed under the table aimed at your mid section to the one you need to fear.
     
    02-10-2009, 01:58 AM
  #9
Yearling
LOL my dad wanted to have that operational but Ma said no. Horses should (and currently are) keeping me occupied and away from the male of the species
     
    02-10-2009, 04:06 PM
  #10
Super Moderator
Haha that was good . I think my dad could act a little like that if I dated someone.
     

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