Inga, I am so so sorry.
My Mom will be dead 10 years this summer, I still miss her terribly but know she is better off wherever she is now, but it took me an awful long time to feel that one - it doesnt stop me sometimes having a meltdown and wish she were still here with me though.
My thoughts are with you and your family, and all the best for today - please don't feel obligated to act or grieve a certain way, you don't need to be a "rock", you will get through this in your own way.
Stop for a minute, open your mind, learn. You may not agree with what I say, I may not agree with what you say but we will both learn something new.