Sorrelhorse may or may not be leaving.

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Sorrelhorse may or may not be leaving.

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    07-08-2013, 04:20 AM
Sorrelhorse may or may not be leaving.

This is not meant to be a dramatic "feel sorry for me and give me all the attention" post. Or at least I don't intend it to be. But I need to rant, and I feel I owe you guys an explanation as to what is going on.

So here's the story.

So I'm recently graduated. My parents dropped a divorce on me right before, during the most stressful preperations of my life.

My dad had been having an affair with my best friends Mom for a year. She is now pregnant with my only sibling, my friend now hates me, and my dad is so obsessed with having this baby it's made him neurotic. And her Mom (Let's call her Dee) is scared of her current husband and wants to put the baby up for adoption. I am terrified of losing my only sibling. Especially like this. I won't lie. I feel betrayed and abandoned by my father. He still talks to me and gives me money and wants me to live with him, but he was been verbally abusive to my mother and me and says disturbing things that aren't healthy. He scares me. I know I should visit him but I don't want to. All we do is fight anyway, and it's always been like that, even before the divorce.

My Mom started dating our farrier. I am so happy about this, because she's happy with him, and he is a wonderful guy. He is sponsoring me and helping us as much as he can. Only now, we are left behind by Dad who took most of the money with him. My Mom is on disability and can't pay the rent for the house, tv, internet, power, horses, etc on that. Boyfriend is helping us out but she is too prideful, and won't admit that we can't even feed ourselves right now. She told me that after all the bills, we only have $50 for the rest.

Now how scary is that?

I'm working now for a cowhorse trainer. He owes me a couple hundred right now and I am working more. I don't know if this is going to work out to help me pay for everything, but I am going to crunch numbers and see. I am also doing odd house sitting for an arabian ranch which pays very well, and working horses in exchange for hay at another ranch. Our horses are all on pasture right now and doing fine, so feed right now isn't going to be an issue. It will be during the winter.

My dad was paying for the internet (by my request, that's all I asked of him when he left) but he just now cancelled it. I asked him to put it back up and let me pay for it (It's super cheap here) but he refuses. Mom can't get it because she doesn't have the income. I can't get it myself because I'm not "technically" working. I'm just getting paid. Plus I'm still under 18 until August.

Now, the internet wouldn't be a big deal, excepttt...I have made myself a problem. I have become the person every single internet person comes to when they are feeling...suicidal. I don't have another word. I have people who literally can only reach me through skype, facebook, etc. I have people who I have spent hours with talking them down and giving them all the hope I can. I have people who openly admit if it wasn't for me they would have offed themselves. I haven't told them any of my problems. I haven't told them the internet is going to go away. I just gave them my phone number, but I have two in australia who I knew personally before they moved there who can't afford to call me, and I obviously can't afford to call them...

I don't know what to do with the horses. Right now, I'm toughing it out and waiting to see what kind of finances I personally have. I am mad at my mother (Without justification, I'm just mad to be mad, even though I shouldn't be) for bringing home April and Bubbles when she knew we were entering a hard time. Now I have an old horse and a horse who would be lucky to be selected for slaughter meat (Sorry but it's true.) and at the moment, I don't have the time to change that because I'm too busy bouncing from ranch to ranch trying to make money to feed the horse. If I could get her broke I could sell her, but I don't have the time. I'm frustrated right now beyond belief.

I will hold onto Selena as long as I can, as she is the only one technically mine. If the money gets too tight, I am going to lease her out. If I sell her, I'm scared I'll go back to being suicidal. I'm scared I'll cut or starve myself again. I'm scared I won't be able to handle it, but I'm even more scared that she will suffer because of me.

That is so jumbled. But that's what's going on.

I am going to try and spend my "me" time on HF and the internet. (Or, whats left of my me time) and just relax. I feel very serene here with all my pixel friends. Even fifteen minutes a night helps. I just don't know how long I'm going to have that luxury.

So that's my rant. Now you know. I hope I can find a way to make everything work...
Ray MacDonald likes this.
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    07-08-2013, 04:48 AM
Green Broke

Wow, what a trooper and strong person you are for going through all of that.
First off I want to send you and your mom a HUGE cyber hug.

Second. Stop and take a moment. Take a deep breath. Your an amazing young person.

You can only do what you can do realistically. Over working yourself is not the answer, you can't help your mom out if your burn yourself out and don't take care of yourself first.

Self care in times like this may feel very selfish but in the long run are what make things happen. If you need to hop on the internet after a long day of working to help provide for your family and your father agreed to pay for that and nothing more I see no problem with him sticking to his word.

If your talking to people on this site helps clear your mind and give you better perspective on home life problems or horse related and helps you decompress own it and don't think of it as a bad thing.

You are only human. You can only do what any other person can do.

I too have been in the position of caretaker to a single parent and being the one with the only supporting job. It is not an easy task physically or emotionally. Know your such a strong caring person to be able to do this. This day in age so many people would have turned down a wrong path or not helped in the ways you are or altogether split from both parents and said deal with this on your own. But you didn't.

Know your mom is beyond grateful for all that you do even if she doesn't say it. A child's support and love and understand without judgement is more then any parent can ask for and your doing just that for her! Its priceless and so wonderful!

As for your father, I can somewhat relate. I am adopted and found out this year in meeting him for the very first time that I was the result of the divorce of his first wife from my eldest half sibling, that I was the result of the affair my father had.

In time you can only hope your relationship with him will lesson in stress and awkwardness. You can only do your half and have high hopes and low expectations for anyone else.

Again Hugs, Know I one person on this site that has more then enjoyed fallowing your threads, viewing your photos and listening to your successes in life!

I hope you stay with us and that what ever is meant to be is meant to be and works its self out without hurting your anymore!

SorrelHorse likes this.
    07-08-2013, 05:10 AM
Thank you girly...It means a lot hearing that coming from you.

I am going to do my best, but I can't help but feel like I shouldn't have to be the strong one here, because I'm just a kid for god's sake. And I'm starting to really feel like one every passing day.

Your hugs are so much appreciated :/ And thank you for your advice too, it means a lot to me.
    07-08-2013, 05:11 AM
I didn't want to read and not post - huge hugs! I really hope things work out for you even if they don't seem like they will right now. You can only do your best especially in a situation that isn't your fault.
    07-08-2013, 05:19 AM
Green Broke
You are JUST A KID, heck I am 21 and I am still JUST a KID. No one our age should have to deal with the burden you are faced with.

Take it day by day, Be honest with yourself and everyone around you.

When you need a break and to get away, being 10 minutes to a whole day, do it you deserve and will come back feeling better and with a clearer head.

Do things that make you happy too!! Don't over face yourself.

Be a kid, but be the smart hard working happy kid you're allowed to be!
    07-08-2013, 08:37 AM
Wow, SH! You have A LOT on your shoulders! I'm so sorry about the whole situation you are in, I wish I could help somehow. :( I hope everything will work out OK (and SOON) for you and your mom! And I also hope that other woman will NOT adopt out a baby! * Hugs *
    07-08-2013, 08:49 AM
Green Broke
I am just amazed daily at how mature you guys are. I'm Proud of you for taking all of this in so well and working to make everything you can happen.
Your parents are in the wrong- and it makes me angry. We should not steal our children's childhoods from them, I can't stand to see that.
Praying it keeps working- and you get to keep your girl.
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    07-08-2013, 09:14 AM
Green Broke
Sorry that you are facing so much unrest. I hope your Dad will rethink things & pay the internet bill, at least for awhile. As you can see, people care, and many of us hope your life becomes better soon.
    07-08-2013, 09:57 AM
Oh dear, you poor thing. Your dad really has messed up big time here, destroying at least five lives here in the process. You are a victim in the train wreck of his life, and it is not fair.

Now for yourself: YOU are number one and if you look after number one then you will hopefully have the strength to help with your mum's life, and to keep your horse. Do as the other's say, take a deep breath and do this one day at a time.

Now I am going to say something hard. You are not the only one that can help those people out there on the internet that have been relying on you, but they have all chosen to see you as their saviour. This is an unfair and selfish burden that they are each putting on you. Wherever in the world these people are, they have options to turn elsewhere, whether they seek help from the Samaritans, or their church, or their doctor, or local friends.

Now that your life has been derailed by your dad you don't have the capacity to help everyone else - I think that you should turn these people away to other sources of help.

I wish you much luck with the future days and weeks. Tell your dad how you feel, but don't break ties with him; he may be a prize idiot, but he is still part of your family. Best wishes.
    07-08-2013, 01:19 PM
I am so sorry that you have to deal with this. Sending lots of hugs and support your way.

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