This is not meant to be a dramatic "feel sorry for me and give me all the attention" post. Or at least I don't intend it to be. But I need to rant, and I feel I owe you guys an explanation as to what is going on.
So here's the story.
So I'm recently graduated. My parents dropped a divorce on me right before, during the most stressful preperations of my life.
My dad had been having an affair with my best friends Mom for a year. She is now pregnant with my only sibling, my friend now hates me, and my dad is so obsessed with having this baby it's made him neurotic. And her Mom (Let's call her Dee) is scared of her current husband and wants to put the baby up for adoption. I am terrified of losing my only sibling. Especially like this. I won't lie. I feel betrayed and abandoned by my father. He still talks to me and gives me money and wants me to live with him, but he was been verbally abusive to my mother and me and says disturbing things that aren't healthy. He scares me. I know I should visit him but I don't want to. All we do is fight anyway, and it's always been like that, even before the divorce.
My Mom started dating our farrier. I am so happy about this, because she's happy with him, and he is a wonderful guy. He is sponsoring me and helping us as much as he can. Only now, we are left behind by Dad who took most of the money with him. My Mom is on disability and can't pay the rent for the house, tv, internet, power, horses, etc on that. Boyfriend is helping us out but she is too prideful, and won't admit that we can't even feed ourselves right now. She told me that after all the bills, we only have $50 for the rest.
Now how scary is that?
I'm working now for a cowhorse trainer. He owes me a couple hundred right now and I am working more. I don't know if this is going to work out to help me pay for everything, but I am going to crunch numbers and see. I am also doing odd house sitting for an arabian ranch which pays very well, and working horses in exchange for hay at another ranch. Our horses are all on pasture right now and doing fine, so feed right now isn't going to be an issue. It will be during the winter.
My dad was paying for the internet (by my request, that's all I asked of him when he left) but he just now cancelled it. I asked him to put it back up and let me pay for it (It's super cheap here) but he refuses. Mom can't get it because she doesn't have the income. I can't get it myself because I'm not "technically" working. I'm just getting paid. Plus I'm still under 18 until August.
Now, the internet wouldn't be a big deal, excepttt...I have made myself a problem. I have become the person every single internet person comes to when they are feeling...suicidal. I don't have another word. I have people who literally can only reach me through skype, facebook, etc. I have people who I have spent hours with talking them down and giving them all the hope I can. I have people who openly admit if it wasn't for me they would have offed themselves. I haven't told them any of my problems. I haven't told them the internet is going to go away. I just gave them my phone number, but I have two in australia who I knew personally before they moved there who can't afford to call me, and I obviously can't afford to call them...
I don't know what to do with the horses. Right now, I'm toughing it out and waiting to see what kind of finances I personally have. I am mad at my mother (Without justification, I'm just mad to be mad, even though I shouldn't be) for bringing home April and Bubbles when she knew we were entering a hard time. Now I have an old horse and a horse who would be lucky to be selected for slaughter meat (Sorry but it's true.) and at the moment, I don't have the time to change that because I'm too busy bouncing from ranch to ranch trying to make money to feed the horse. If I could get her broke I could sell her, but I don't have the time. I'm frustrated right now beyond belief.
I will hold onto Selena as long as I can, as she is the only one technically mine. If the money gets too tight, I am going to lease her out. If I sell her, I'm scared I'll go back to being suicidal. I'm scared I'll cut or starve myself again. I'm scared I won't be able to handle it, but I'm even more scared that she will suffer because of me.
That is so jumbled. But that's what's going on.
I am going to try and spend my "me" time on HF and the internet. (Or, whats left of my me time) and just relax. I feel very serene here with all my pixel friends. Even fifteen minutes a night helps. I just don't know how long I'm going to have that luxury.
So that's my rant. Now you know. I hope I can find a way to make everything work...