A story im making.
 
 

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A story im making.

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        10-13-2009, 03:50 PM
      #1
    Yearling
    A story im making.

    Theres this boy in my school and I have reasently seen him being bullied. I have reported it and it is now getting delt with.



    This has really got to me so I felt like writing a short story about it. But im stuck on ideas.(as im not very good at these sort of things)
    So would anyone give me ideas on what to inlcude and that in my story. I will post the finished story which will be about a page a a4 paper in size 14 font. This is how im going to start it.

    I am going to explode. I have to tell someone the feelings I feel. I feel threatned by any sudden movement.



    Now, whats you suggestions?
         
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        10-13-2009, 04:08 PM
      #2
    Yearling
    Hmmmm... is your main character a boy or girl?
         
        10-13-2009, 04:24 PM
      #3
    Super Moderator
    You know... if you do it right, keep it small... you could look into getting it published as a childrens book... elementary age is where you want stuff like that to go...
         
        10-13-2009, 04:43 PM
      #4
    Yearling
    Right, I have changed my mind on how im starting it. This is my new idea.



    I can recall my very first day at school, and it was most definitley not something I want to remember, although it still lies in my memory and haunts me to this day. Setting my first footsteps into that school was a nightmare and nothing as I expected. I imagined making friends would be easy but instantly I could tell people had thier own groups. It appeared to me that each group had a some what 'leader'. All I could do was try to introuduce myself.

    I see some girls on the playground who looked about my age and so I approached them, I was nervous, everything and everyone around seemed so imtimidating, asif they didnt care I was there. As I walked up to them I asked whether I could hang around with them. "EXCUSE ME? Who do you think you are?"said the tall thin girl. ( I didn't know her name yet). I stuttered. "Ummm, Im Sara the new girl..uhhh". She glared back at me and laughed in my face, along with all of her friends.
         
        10-13-2009, 05:09 PM
      #5
    Yearling
    SOME MORE I ADDED ON.

    She pushed my shoulder with aggresion and told me to eat another pie. She was obviosuly the popular girl. I always heard about her but never knew it was true. Everytime I walked past people and everywhere I went, all I could hear was the constent name calling, whispering and the spreading around of rumours. I felt so alone and just wanted to escape. I didnt know wether to run or hide. I was now officaly the laughing stock of the school. I was, the ugly new thing. The hippo. The freak. Is this how the school would treat me for the rest of my time?

    I ddin't want it to be this way, I was so affraid of what could happen next. All of these laughing scary faces. I didnt know what to do. I wanted to tell someone. She said if I say one word about my worrys and fears. I would be in for it.









    what should I do next got any opinons or critque?
         
        10-13-2009, 06:17 PM
      #6
    Banned
    Maybe an update on spelling and grammar should be a priority.

    Or at least have it read by a GOOD proof reader?
         
        10-13-2009, 06:18 PM
      #7
    Yearling
    I don't think I need any more help, but critque would be great.





    Heres some more.


    What should I do? This was my worst nightmare come true. I was worried after realising this was day one, what will next year be like? Will I still be trapped in this frightening atmosphere?
    The night slowly passes, every secound seemed a minute and every minute seemed an hour. I hated it. As I slowly fastened my eyes, everything become a blur. Before I knew it, I was asleep...
    The next morning approched. Day two of my horrendous journey.
    I slowly dragged my feet across the wooden floor, I was thinking. I was scared. I grab my rucksack and headed off to school.
    Finally, the school was insight. My heart skipped a beat. I walked slowly taking everystep full of fear, hoping not to see my worst enemie. As I walked closer to the school, a shiver danced down my spine. I quickly and secretly ran to lesson but I was stopped. "Why, look who it is, girls." laughed the tall girl, the leader of the group, "Hows everything going?"
    "ermm, ermm. Ok I guess." I mumbled, although it came out as more of a whisper.
         
        10-13-2009, 06:32 PM
      #8
    Yearling
    This is my draft.




    I can recall my very first day at school, and it was most definitley not something I want to remember, although it still lies in my memory and haunts me to this day. Setting my first footsteps into that school was a nightmare and nothing as I expected. I imagined making friends would be easy but instantly I could tell people had thier own groups. It appeared to me that each group had a some what 'leader'. All I could do was try to introuduce myself.
    I see some girls on the playground who looked about my age and so I approached them, I was nervous, everything and everyone around seemed so imtimidating, asif they didnt care I was there. As I walked up to them I asked whether I could hang around with them. "EXCUSE ME? Who do you think you are?"said the tall thin girl. ( I didn't know her name yet). I stuttered. "Ummm, Im Sara the new girl..uhhh". She glared back at me and laughed in my face, along with all of her friends. She pushed my shoulder with aggresion and told me to eat another pie. She was obviosuly the popular girl. I always heard about her but never knew it was true. Everytime I walked past people and everywhere I went, all I could hear was the constent name calling, whispering and the spreading around of rumours. I felt so alone and just wanted to escape. I didnt know wether to run or hide. I was know officaly the laughing stock of the school. I was, the ugly new thing. The hippo. The freak. Is this how the school would treat me for the rest of my time?
    I didin't want it to be this way, I was so affraid of what could happen next. All of these laughing scary faces. I didnt know what to do. I wanted to tell someone, but I felt so invisable. She said if I say one word about my worrys, and fears. I would be in for it! What should I do? This was my worst nightmare come true. I was worried after realising this was day one, what will next year be like? Will I still be trapped in this frightening atmosphere?
    The night slowly passes, every secound seemed a minute and every minute seemed an hour. I hated it. As I slowly fastened my eyes, everything become a blur. Before I knew it, I was asleep...
    The next morning approched. Day two of my horrendous journey.
    I slowly dragged my feet across the wooden floor, I was thinking. I was scared. I grab my rucksack and headed off to school.
    Finally, the school was insight. My heart skipped a beat. I walked slowly taking everystep full of fear, hoping not to see my worst enemy. As I walked closer to the school, a shiver danced down my spine. I quickly and secretly ran to lesson but I was stopped. "Why, look who it is, girls." laughed the tall girl, the leader of the group, "Hows everything going?"
    "ermm, ermm. Ok I guess." I mumbled, although it came out as more of a whisper.
    "You havent told anyone yet, have you?" shouted the leader of the group while getting two inches away from my face. "Well, have you?"
    "No, I promise!" I managed to say, but my heart was beating so furiously I could barely hear the words as they left my mouth.
    One of the group members started walking away which was then followed by the others. I was shacken up and didnt know what to do.
    I felt like I was in a enclosed prison, no one to talk to, no one to help me.
    From this day onwards I hated going to school.
         
        10-14-2009, 10:11 AM
      #9
    Super Moderator
    It's pretty good so far. Once you run spell check it will be on to a terrific start. As for my critique:

    Although it's very discriptive I would spend just a little bit more time on the people. You've given just enough detail on the popular girl to leave the imagination wide open... I'm actually picturing a gangly knobby kneed spoiled brat! But I have a feeling she's a little bit more figure flattering then that! As for your character, maybe she needs to look in the mirror because all I've gotten is that she's really over weight and I'm thinking she's probably closer to average.

    But in all, it's very good. I'm enjoying it.
         
        10-14-2009, 03:49 PM
      #10
    Yearling
    What could I write and were should I put it? X
         

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