The Horse Forum banner
Status
Not open for further replies.

Stress/tension reduction!

986 views 13 replies 7 participants last post by  kiltsrhott 
#1 ·
I'm under a lot of stress right now...

I'm currently working a stressful job that I commute 30 miles one way to get to. I'm looking for another job that's closer to home and is a better fit for me, but until I find one, the job hunt and interviews are just adding to the stress.

In addition to working full time, I'm doing self care and working off the cost of board at my grandfather's farm, plus working off the cost of lessons at a different barn. I clean 8 stalls, muck paddocks, clean water buckets and troughs, feed, and bring in/turn out 4 days per week at my grandfather's barn, and then clean 3 stalls and water buckets at another barn 2 days per week. My goal is to get my grandfather to hire someone to do stalls at his barn, which would eliminate the 8 stalls 4 days per week and free up a lot of time. I'd just have to pay a little board. Until then it's a nightmare trying to push the hiring process forward and keep up with all the work at the same time. I've seriously considered moving my horse to another barn and paying full board, but I'd feel awful abandoning my family, and I'd hate to take on that large of a financial burden at the moment.

On top of all that, our land lords are selling the house. We've been having showings at least once per week, which means my hubby and I have to stay on top of all the housework and keep our apartment spotless. They gave us a reduction in our rent for our troubles, but it's still a lot of work! And we have no idea if we'll still have a place to live or not once it sells...

To complicate matter's further, we were planning to buy a house in the fall, so we're scrambling to get enough money together to buy our first home ahead of schedule, so if the new owners of our house give us the boot, we're not stuck signing another year lease, and throwing another year's worth of rent money into the abyss.

On top of that my husband broke his nose and it didn't heal right. He's having a lot of trouble breathing. He has trouble sleeping because he can't breathe and I can't sleep because his nose is so darn noisy. He's been seeing a doctor about it and will likely need surgury to correct the problem.

So basically, I'm wound tight. I have no free time, not enough sleep, and a million and one things hanging over my head right now. It's starting to affect me physically. My shoulders and neck are killing me. I have chronic headaches, and intermittent upset stomach. I'm exchausted, and unable to focus. I'm turning into an alcoholic because wine is the only thing that calms me down enough to get to sleep at night.

I was having stellar dressage lessons on a second level school master until about two weeks ago. Now my riding instructor is leading me around telling me when to breathe, and reminding me not to clench every muscle in my body. She was having me do some stretches with my arms yesterday, and I ended up having muscle spasms in my back and having to get off. I haven't ridden my own horse for a week and a half. It's probably a combination of her being in mad heat, needing her teeth done, and me being so tense that make her jumpy and wound up lately. I know trying to ride her like this will only undo an entire year's worth of work. If any of you know what I went through last winter/spring with my horse, that's not helping either. She developed a bolting problem, and it took me months to get to the bottom of it. We got it all figured out, and have had some really great rides since then. She hasn't offered to bolt for nearly a year, but deep down, I still don't trust her, and that's not helping the tension problem during riding.

I need advice! I so desperately need to relax, so I can avoid making myself ill, and so I can continue to make progress in the saddle. Does anyone have any meditation exercises, or stretches, or any other tips that might help me?
 
See less See more
#2 ·
Why do you think you'd be letting family down? Are you assuming this? As for the apartment, why not start looking for another instead of waiting to see if it sells. That could go on for months. You need to cut back on something as it sounds like you are close to burnout. I've been there and for a while I couldn't even work because of mental fatigue which takes it's toll on the body.
 
#3 ·
Take a breath, take some time for you.

Do something away from everything that is causing you stress. Go for a walk. Forget the worries, everything will still be there when you get back.

Can you interview and hire someone to do stalls? Have the person come to the barn when you are there cleaning anyway. Or just find someone in high school to come by a couple times a week. Something to get some of that load off of you.

If the lessons aren't going so great right now can you stop them and stop doing the extra work to work them off until you get a house?

I'm just throwing ideas out.
 
#7 ·
Sorry, I totally missed your post this afternoon.

I am doing the leg work to try and find someone to clean stalls. I spread the word to some local stables and riding instructors but no one's stepped up to the plate yet.

I've considered stopping the lessons too. If they continue to go badly over the next couple of weeks, I might just take a break. They were helping me a lot for a while there, but if I start to feel like they're consistently not helping, then I might quit temporarily.

I like your idea of taking walks. I may tell everyone to shove it and take a trip to a local trail this weekend. :)

I don't like drugs in general, but sometimes it's the lesser of two evils. Ending up with an ulcer or any of another host of medical conditions resulting from the stress would just compound your problems. Alcohol I don't like either because you need more and more.

I'd go to the doctor and ask what he recommends. I would however ask what the scenario for getting off of whatever he prescribes is though. The SSRI's that they like to hand out are a pain to discontinue.
I have actually considered this too. I want to see my family doctor and maybe get some muscle relaxers to ease the spasms in my back and the pain/tension in my neck and shoulders. I've been on muscle relaxers before, and they do help with that stuff, though I get quite loopy after taking them. Maybe there's something else she can prescribe. I would like to stay away from anti-depresants, though I suppose my wine habits aren't great either.
 
#4 ·
Thanks Saddlebag. Think it may come to moving the horses if something doesn't give soon. I've already talked to my husband about it, and he's on board with it. I talked to my grandfather as well, and he said there'd be no hard feelings if I left, but I'm certain my mom would be ******.

There are 8 horses there (only 2 of which belong to me and my husband). We have been working very hard, together, as a family (me, husband, mom, dad, sister, and grandfather) to keep the place going. My husband and I do more work than anyone else because we don't buy supplies (other than our own horses' supplements), don't own the property, and don't pay anything in board. It was a superb arrangement for a few years, because we needed the money. However, my husband has been working a lot of overtime, so I've been doing our share by myself. It's wearing me down not having him around to help.

My concern for my family is that if I leave, they'll have to take on my workload, plus what they're alrready doing. My parents have a lot on their plate because they're building a new house, and my grandfather is not a spring chicken anymore. I know it's not my fault they own six horses between them, but I still feel like it's my responsibility to help them out, or at least give them some advance notice before I peace out... which I already did. I told them that if they didn't hire someone soon, we'd leave. I just need a way to cope for the next couple of weeks.

I've thought about moving, but moving is stressful too, as well as expensive, and then we'd be bound to another lease and have to put off our dream of home ownership even longer. Our current rental was a lucky find. It's cheap as cheap can be and in a perfect location. If we go somewhere else it will either be much smaller, or much more expensive, and will not be as centrally located for us.

I know how I can make all of this better, but it's going to take time, effort and more stressful moments in order to fix it. I'm just looking for way that I can cope until then.
 
#5 ·
I don't like drugs in general, but sometimes it's the lesser of two evils. Ending up with an ulcer or any of another host of medical conditions resulting from the stress would just compound your problems. Alcohol I don't like either because you need more and more.

I'd go to the doctor and ask what he recommends. I would however ask what the scenario for getting off of whatever he prescribes is though. The SSRI's that they like to hand out are a pain to discontinue.
 
#6 ·
Well, you can only do so much. You said it would put an extra work load on your family if you moved your two horses elsewhere. That should make your point to them - right there. That is, if they are aware of your other efforts/difficulties.
Personally, I would prioritize and probably end the work for lessons arrangement.
 
#9 ·
It would be satisfying to leave and let my family pick up the slack. I do feel quite under appreciated and it would certainly be a good way prove my point. I bend over backwards to help people, and I rarely get even a "thank you". When I had Ursula (my horse) away for training this past fall, I still continued to do my share of the work, even though my horse wasn't there. When my husband's horse was out on lease to a 4H kid two years ago, he still did his part even though his horse was gone for the better part of 4 months.
 
#11 ·
Well, I don't like to explain a predicament or state the obvious to family - twice. You may be the same way, and it (personality) makes this sort of thing doubly stressful. If such is the case, the very best stress reduction, IMO, is to fly on your own steam and try not to burn bridges whilst taking your marbles and going elsewhere. :)
 
#12 ·
I don't think you need sympathy, you need boundaries.

Start with what you can do and can't do.

There is nothing you can do about your husbands nose. Don't worry about it for now. Can you sleep in another room? Proper sleep can do wonders for stress. I strongly urge you to find a more sustainable sleeping option.

Stop lessons. Lessons are great but you're already stretched too far. You can pick them up again later after everything else is resolved.

With your work it's annoying to have to drive there but there is nothing to do about that now. Try to spend the time in the car relaxing, listening to music you like and taking some time to yourself.

Family and horses... its probably the hardest part. Can you reduce the care needed for your horses, ie. turn them out 24/7 with a roundbale you buy? Then you talk to your family about paying a paddock use fee and start taking care of your own horses. Maybe offer a couple of specified hours on a day where you tell your family you'll come over and help them with the property. That can include cleaning troughs or stalls or fence repair but it's still time you're helping with the property.

Be clear with them and tell them how it's going to be. Families often don't take hints, or listen to suggestions, they forge ahead with what they want. They'll be upset maybe but if you don't set your boundaries things aren't going to change. You're doing more work than paying off board should be, and you're not in a position to. If they are really upset, move your horses but it can't be up to you all the time. They all have horses and if they want to keep them they have to look at managing their care themselves or hiring someone.

You're not letting anyone down. Sometimes it feels like we have so much duty to family we can't say no. But they have a duty to you too. They have a duty to help you when you're not coping and they're not.
 
#13 ·
Ugh. More crud is bubbling up, all at once. I've been suggesting we do something about the footing in our riding arena for a year, because it's hard as freaking cement and dragging it isn't making a difference. I FINALLY got my grandfather on board, but because nobody else cares that our footing sucks, I'm the one that gets to call the quarry and set up sand delivery. My mom has been "busy at work" and hasn't set up the appointment for teeth floating and sheath cleaning yet and we have three geldings that need sheath cleanings and 6 horses that desperately need teeth done, so I'll be in charge of that too. *headdesk*

Maybe I'll use this as an excuse to take a few days off work...

I'm going to give this about 2 weeks and if we don't have anyone lined up to clean stalls, me and my horses are out. I already did the research and I have about 5 boarding stables lined up to call.

My husband also wants me to go with him to visit his parents this weekend for mother's day. This is a another source of stress for me: his parents. He and his father like to get into big arguments about religion, that usually end in someone disowning somebody else and I get caught in the middle. I told him he can go without me. I'm staying home. >:[
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
You have insufficient privileges to reply here.
Top