Suicide loss - Page 2 - The Horse Forum
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post #11 of 74 Old 08-22-2013, 11:33 PM Thread Starter
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Have you noticed that there is "light at the end of the tunnel". Or will there always be an awful feeling inside of you?

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post #12 of 74 Old 08-22-2013, 11:37 PM
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Originally Posted by HeroMyOttb View Post
Flytobecat- Did you are any of your family feel guilt? That if you did something different then the loved would not of done it?
First, let me say that I'm so sorry for the loss of your brother. I echo the sentiment that there was nothing you could have done. Substance abuse SUCKS and makes people do things they would never do, if not impaired. I think everyone feels some degree of "What could I" or "If only I could have done X than I could have stopped him.". More often than not, it's simply not true. Those who are truly driven to suicide many times will not let on to anyone what they are planning. Especially in the case of the addicted, they have withdrawn and sometimes cut themselves off from their family/support system so thoroughly that the thought that the person might commit suicide has never crossed the family's minds.

It's a huge tragedy and it's not uncommon. The worst part, IMO, is that the suicidal person's pain on earth is over but his loved one's pain has just begun. There is no good answer for the family/friends who have suffered such loss.

The family member in my family who suicided never let on. Not even his therapist had an indication. He was bipolar but had been very well controlled on meds, was extremely intelligent, worked for one of the big genetics labs in the San Francisco area doing research and was in charge of an entire research team. The team never knew. His wife's first inclination that there was trouble was when the police showed up at the door. Since he commuted to work during the week and came home on weekends, no one knew that he'd had a crash in his moods. It was over and done with before anyone even knew there was a problem.

Some professions are known for high suicide rates, cops/deputies commit suicide a lot. I've been in those funerals and most of them the reaction is stunned disbelief. Until the person who kills himself doesn't show up for work, no one knows a thing.

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post #13 of 74 Old 08-22-2013, 11:46 PM Thread Starter
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My friend told me that the pain of the person who committed suicide never goes away, its just transferred to other people. Which I exactly like you said. And it's 100% true. My whole family is devastated. My father is very very bad. Which I have never in my life seen my father cry until this past month. My mom, my sister, and I are bad as well. Just so hard to lose someone you have known your entire life.

My 10 year old nephew found my brother in the outside screen porch. My nephew and grandparents said he was acting completely fine hours before the incident. Except he sent my mother a disturbing message saying how he was lost, and needs to be around good people. So other then that message, we really did not have a clue. My brother has been in some low points in his life but came back from them. He did not seem like he was in one of his low points.

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post #14 of 74 Old 08-22-2013, 11:58 PM
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Originally Posted by HeroMyOttb View Post
My friend told me that the pain of the person who committed suicide never goes away, its just transferred to other people. Which I exactly like you said. And it's 100% true. My whole family is devastated. My father is very very bad. Which I have never in my life seen my father cry until this past month. My mom, my sister, and I are bad as well. Just so hard to lose someone you have known your entire life.

My 10 year old nephew found my brother in the outside screen porch. My nephew and grandparents said he was acting completely fine hours before the incident. Except he sent my mother a disturbing message saying how he was lost, and needs to be around good people. So other then that message, we really did not have a clue. My brother has been in some low points in his life but came back from them. He did not seem like he was in one of his low points.
Oh dear. I am so sorry for your whole family. And a little extra for the 10 year old who had to find him. I hope you are all seeing a grief counselor, and if you're not, I highly recommend it. It won't make it all better or go away but will give you help with dealing with the pain, guilt, anger, angst and all the stuff that comes with this kind of death.

It's very hard because you feel like there's so much unfinished business, like you're left holding the bag. You didn't get to say "I love you" or any of the things you feel you've needed to say. You all really need to support each other and talk to each other a lot right now. Don't shut down and withdraw from each other. Reach out to a preacher, a priest, a counselor, a best friend. Because after awhile, you will feel like you need to go on but if you shut down, then you won't be sure how to get started with life again. Right now, you're kind of just stuck in shock, disbelief and pain, but eventually that will start to let up and it will be time to move forward. You'll never forget your brother, but keep him in your heart and concentrate on the great times you've had with, not on this sad, sad ending.
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post #15 of 74 Old 08-23-2013, 12:03 AM
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Well I do kinda.....but I was the one who committed suicide. Yes I have killed myself, but someone doesn't want me to go yet.
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post #16 of 74 Old 08-23-2013, 12:05 AM
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My father committed suicide when I was a teenager. I didn't know at the time, but he had tried it before. He was an alcoholic and my parents were divorced.
At first I felt guilt as if I could have changed something. Then came anger because I felt he gave up. Eventually, I reached a point of understanding, but that was a long time coming.
You mainly need to talk to someone about what you are feeling. Usually, your family is too close to the loss to do that. If you have a pastor, guidance counselor, or someone like that I would recommend speaking with them. I would also suggest family counseling.
Instead of focusing on what you could have done differently, try to focus on the good things. It won't always hurt this bad.

So in lies the madness, the pursuit of the impossible in the face of the complete assurance that you will fail, and yet still you chase.
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post #17 of 74 Old 08-23-2013, 12:08 AM Thread Starter
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My family actually is going to a suicide grief support group on monday to start us off. My sister did tell my nephews teacher what happen so the teacher can keep an eye on my nephew and see if she notices any changes. We are all watching him for sure since he is so young and its very traumatizing. If my brother was in his right mind he would of never of given my nephew the opportunity to find him.

As for the unfinished business it is so true. The last timeI saw my brother I was a little annoyed and was not in the mood for talking but he was happy and talking to my dad about his two jobs, then his girlfriend showed up and he went to leave very quickly and I was not able to say I love him or give him a hug which one of the few times that ever happened. My family is very big into showing affection. So that was very hard to deal with as well.

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post #18 of 74 Old 08-23-2013, 12:09 AM Thread Starter
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I feel like this is going to be a very long and hard journey for my family.

Chad Barnes 6-16-85~7-22-13
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post #19 of 74 Old 08-23-2013, 12:13 AM
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Originally Posted by HeroMyOttb View Post
I feel like this is going to be a very long and hard journey for my family.
It is. Be kind to one another, yourself and most of all, have patience even when you think you can't find anymore. Be patient with yourself most of all.
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post #20 of 74 Old 08-23-2013, 12:21 AM
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Originally Posted by bitinsane View Post
Well I do kinda.....but I was the one who committed suicide. Yes I have killed myself, but someone doesn't want me to go yet.
mind explaining that wouldn't that be a suicide attempt since you survived it?

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