Tasers, DO NOT TEST ON YOUR SELF
 
 

       The Horse Forum > Life Beyond Horses > General Off Topic Discussion

Tasers, DO NOT TEST ON YOUR SELF

This is a discussion on Tasers, DO NOT TEST ON YOUR SELF within the General Off Topic Discussion forums, part of the Life Beyond Horses category

     
    LinkBack Thread Tools
        01-08-2009, 06:07 PM
      #1
    Green Broke
    Tasers, DO NOT TEST ON YOUR SELF

    Dear Carl,
    Last weekend I was at Larry's Pistol & Pawn looking for a little something special for my wife, Renee. I came across a 100,000-volt pocket taser. Its disabling effect on an assailant was described as short-lived, with no long-term consequences, but would allow my wife--who would never consider a gun--adequate time to retreat to safety.
    WAY TOO COOL!!
    Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two AAA batteries and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed, but then I read (yes, I read the instructions) that if I pressed the taser against a metal surface and pushed the button at the same time, I'd see a blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs, to verify that it was working.
    Awesome!!!
    I have yet to explain to Renee that new burn spot on the face of her microwave.
    There I was, home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right? I sat there in my recliner, reading the directions, my cat Gracie looking on intently. Trusting little soul. I got to thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh and blood moving target. I admit I thought about zapping Gracie for a fraction of a second. She is such a sweet cat, but if I was going to give this device to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?
    So there I sat in shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and taser in another. The directions said a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant, a two-second burst would cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control, and a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. A burst longer than three seconds would be a waste of batteries.
    I'm sitting there alone, with Gracie looking on, her head cocked to one side as if to say, 'Don't do it.' But I was reasoning that a one-second burst from such a tiny little thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself a one-second burst, just for the heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and...
    HOLY MOTHER OF GOD! WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION!
    Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up from my recliner, and body slammed us both onto the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, tingling legs, nipples on fire, and testicles nowhere to be found.
    SON-OF-A... That Hurt Like HELL!
    If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a taser, you should know that there is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself. You will not let go of that taser until it is dislodged from your hand by your involuntary violent thrashing about on the floor.
    A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was relative at that point) I collected what wits I had left, sat up, and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. How did they get there? My triceps, right thigh, and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it was shot up with Novocaine. My bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. And I'm still looking for my testicles!!
    I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return.
    Still in shock, Jacob
         
    Sponsored Links
    Advertisement
     
        01-08-2009, 06:16 PM
      #2
    Super Moderator
    Omg! Hopefully nobody tests that.
         
        01-08-2009, 06:43 PM
      #3
    Weanling
    I wouldn't recommend being tasered. Twas not fun
         
        01-08-2009, 10:29 PM
      #4
    Weanling
    omg!!! Ah cain't see!!!
         
        01-08-2009, 11:06 PM
      #5
    Cat
    Green Broke
    LOL - too funny. I'll stay far from the wrong end of one of those!
         
        01-08-2009, 11:10 PM
      #6
    Green Broke
    Quote:
    Originally Posted by PaintedLady    
    omg!!! Ah cain't see!!!

    Take off the sunglasses
         
        01-09-2009, 03:38 AM
      #7
    Weanling
    Has mah girlfriend been tellin stories again?
    I swear...you can't believe a thing that gal tells ya!

         
        01-09-2009, 07:45 AM
      #8
    Green Broke
    LOL< yes she has , and well some really good ones to boot.
         
        01-09-2009, 09:16 AM
      #9
    Weanling
    Painted, you absolutely slay me. You allus have. I do not think I could be, or stay, in a bad mood around you.


    Regal, that was sick. And very, very funny. I loved it.

    Love your avatar, too! Same reasons.
         
        01-09-2009, 09:53 AM
      #10
    Green Broke
    Well a well trained ... cat is important lol.
         

    Quick Reply
    Please help keep the Horse Forum enjoyable by reporting rude posts.
    Message:
    Options

    Register Now

    In order to be able to post messages on the The Horse Forum forums, you must first register.

    Already have a Horse Forum account?
    Members are allowed only one account per person at the Horse Forum, so if you've made an account here in the past you'll need to continue using that account. Please do not create a new account or you may lose access to the Horse Forum. If you need help recovering your existing account, please Contact Us. We'll be glad to help!

    New to the Horse Forum?
    Please choose a username you will be satisfied with using for the duration of your membership at the Horse Forum. We do not change members' usernames upon request because that would make it difficult for everyone to keep track of who is who on the forum. For that reason, please do not incorporate your horse's name into your username so that you are not stuck with a username related to a horse you may no longer have some day, or use any other username you may no longer identify with or care for in the future.

    User Name:
    Password
    Please enter a password for your user account. Note that passwords are case-sensitive.
    Password:
    Confirm Password:
    Email Address
    Please enter a valid email address for yourself.
    Email Address:

    Log-in

    Human Verification

    In order to verify that you are a human and not a spam bot, please enter the answer into the following box below based on the instructions contained in the graphic.


    Old Thread Warning
    This thread is more than 90 days old. When a thread is this old, it is often better to start a new thread rather than post to it. However, If you feel you have something of value to add to this particular thread, you can do so by checking the box below before submitting your post.

    Thread Tools

    Similar Threads
    Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
    Test pms sent Mike_Admin Horse Forum Rules and Announcements 0 11-02-2008 04:49 AM



    All times are GMT -4. The time now is 06:38 PM.


    Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.5
    Copyright ©2000 - 2014, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.
    Search Engine Friendly URLs by vBSEO 3.6.0