Temper Tantrums, React like a Neanderthal - The Horse Forum

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post #1 of 15 Old 03-25-2009, 11:09 AM Thread Starter
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Temper Tantrums, React like a Neanderthal

You're in a store, little kid in hand, and then suddenly she tries to pull away. You bend down and whisper quietly in her ear, "Stay with Mommy, honey," knowing full well that this reasonable request is a foolish attempt to dampen the temper tantrum that is rising like a tsunami inside your kid. With a pounding heart, you scoop her up and run from the store before someone shouts, "Bad parent. Dreadful child. Get out!"

No one knows why 2-year-olds have temper tantrums, but most of them do. It starts with mild anger over something simple but then quickly escalates into full blown fury dramatized by screaming, fist pounding, foot-stomping, and screaming. The child also descends psychologically into a place where they can't be reached by words or physical comfort, and parents stand by helpless and confused.

Clearly, the child is distressed, but to the parent, the distress seems way out of proportion to the situation. And it is physically stressful for the child, which suggests that there must be some evolutionary reason why temper tantrums are so universal for little kids.

Pediatrician Harvey Karp, author of "The Happiest Toddler on the Block," and an expert in getting babies and toddlers to quiet down, claims that tantrums are an expected product of human development. He sees our little darlings as less-evolved savages driven by instinct and emotion, not thoughtful reasoning, and he suggests it's our job as parents to civilize them into Homo sapiens.

And so, Dr. Karp suggests, in the midst of a tantrum a parent should reach way back to our ancient ancestors and think like a Neanderthal and become one with the child and figure out how to stop the screaming.

His method is to speak in short phrases that reflect the primitive emotions of the child ("You are angry") rather than addressing the adult modern Homo sapiens situation of the moment ("Please stop. Big girls don't scream in stores.")

Apparently, nothing infuriates these little Neanderthals more than Homo sapiens logic. They just want to be heard and their emotions acknowledged and a tantrum is best controlled by the simple, "I hear you. I feel you."

Of course, Dr. Karp maligns Neanderthals by suggesting there were instinctual creatures swayed by emotions rather than thought. Neanderthals didn’t have language, but they had bigger brains than modern humans and could probably do logic problems with the best of us.

His advice is better couched in the notion that Homo sapiens, and presumably our ancestors, were designed to feel very deeply, and little kids simply want their emotions acknowledged, just like adults.

In fact, adults spend millions of dollars each year to talk to counselors and get their feelings heard. And relationships work best when people are able to see and hear each other's pain, misery, happiness and joy.

And so parents need not read the history of human evolution to know how to deal with their unruly kids.

All we have to do, even in the middle of the most embarrassing public tantrum, is to reach inside and feel that same frustration and anger with the world, and then bend down and say, as Dr Karp would, "I know just how you feel."

Meredith F. Small is an anthropologist at Cornell University. She is also the author of "Our Babies, Ourselves; How Biology and Culture Shape the Way We Parent" (http://www.amazon.com/Our-Babies-Ourselves-Biology-Culture/dp/0385483627/ref=pd_bbs_sr_1/105-8272221-3948434?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1183673018&sr=8-1) and "The Culture of Our Discontent; Beyond the Medical Model of Mental Illness" (http://www.amazon.com/Culture-Our-Discontent-Medical-Illness/dp/0309100666/ref=sr_1_1/104-1883712-0127906?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1183728920&sr=1-1).

I am concerned for the security of our great Nation; not so much because of any threat from without, but because of the insidious forces working from within. Douglas MacArthur
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post #2 of 15 Old 03-25-2009, 11:58 AM
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That is very interesting info... reminds me why im waiting A LONG time to have kids!!!!


It's not the will to win, but the will to prepare to win that makes the difference.
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post #3 of 15 Old 03-25-2009, 02:37 PM
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I've been taught that children have those tantrums because they try to learn control their feelings but they aren't mature enough and they have no 'tools' to handle with their feelings. Then they need somebody else to do it for them so they feel secure.

That's an interesting article and could be something like that.

"On hyviä vuosia, kauniita muistoja, mutta kuitenkaan, en saata unohtaa,
Että koskaan en ole yksin, varjo seuraa onneain.
Vaikka myrsky hetkeksi tyyntyykin, varjo seuraa onneain.
Ja pian taas uusin hönkäyksin, varjo seuraa onneain.
Hei tuu mun luo, pieneksi hetkeksi. Puhutaan, varjoni, valkoiseksi enkeliksi."

Pelle Miljoona Oy - Varjo seuraa onneain

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post #4 of 15 Old 03-25-2009, 08:26 PM
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Gags. Forget empathy.
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post #5 of 15 Old 03-25-2009, 08:44 PM
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There's more than one way to deal with a tantrum ;)
Mine goes like this, "If you disobey me (insert something child wants here) will be taken away)
One warning then one immediate discipline when it isn't obeyed. My daughter rarely throws fits these days :P At least with me. LOL

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post #6 of 15 Old 03-26-2009, 08:45 AM
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I've found that an 88¢ bag of fruity colored/flavored marshmallows in the grocery store prevent temper tantrums all together. I grab them off the shelf and hand it to my son (who's now 5 and past the temper tantrum stage) and now just asks if we can buy the marshmallows instead of opening them and munching through the store.

I didn't give him marshmallows any other time than when we were at the store, he loved them and they kept him happy while I shopped.

No need to go neanderthal and forget 1/2 the grocery list.

Be strong and courageous, and do the work. Don't be afraid or discouraged by the size of the task, for the Lord God, my God, is with you. He will not fail you or forsake you.

1 Chronicles 28:20








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post #7 of 15 Old 03-26-2009, 09:58 AM Thread Starter
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So bribery is a common thing so far. LOL

I am concerned for the security of our great Nation; not so much because of any threat from without, but because of the insidious forces working from within. Douglas MacArthur
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post #8 of 15 Old 03-26-2009, 10:02 AM Thread Starter
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Angel_Leaguer View Post
That is very interesting info... reminds me why im waiting A LONG time to have kids!!!!


Chicken!!!!!! LOL.




just funnin you.

I am concerned for the security of our great Nation; not so much because of any threat from without, but because of the insidious forces working from within. Douglas MacArthur
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post #9 of 15 Old 03-26-2009, 10:39 AM
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Bribery WORKS!!!

Be strong and courageous, and do the work. Don't be afraid or discouraged by the size of the task, for the Lord God, my God, is with you. He will not fail you or forsake you.

1 Chronicles 28:20








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post #10 of 15 Old 03-26-2009, 11:04 AM
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I wouldn't say giving the child a choice to throw a fit and lose something or just be good and keep what they have a bribe. More like a life lesson. You make the wrong choice and you lose something special. You do what's right and you get to keep it.

I'm my spare time I ride dragons and runners, practice my Harper skills, talk to dolphins and hang with MasterHarper Robinton.
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