Thanks everyone :)
DB, in your professional opinion, what do you think is my issue, if anxiety is not it? I'm mostly ok, had some very dark times nearly 2 years ago, upon losing a horse that was very dear to me, where I honestly was suicidal but haven't been back there since. That's how I know how it feels to really, honestly believe that there are no options.
I do have panic attacks, far more often than I have these depression attacks, and I make a point of not letting either kind of attack win. I go out, I do things, if I have a panic attack I give myself a minute to calm down and then do whatever it is I'm freaking out over anyway. I do all the things that my former psych suggested, and nothing has changed except that when I'm low I'm not as low... but I think a lot of that is because I've had time to grieve over my horse and come to terms with his death and the bullying that came after it, more than anything else.
I have a box with that horse's hair in it which I intend to burn in the morning. It's time to let him go now. I don't need his hair to remember him and all the good times. I can feel him here with me now, nudging my shoulder the way he always used to do when he wanted a treat, and though I'm crying I'm also smiling.
I'm down again today but I can feel that tomorrow will be better.
A CLEAN SLATE FOR THE FUTURE