tough last couple of days... just having a vent - Page 2

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tough last couple of days... just having a vent

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    08-06-2012, 03:54 PM
Hugs and Prayers sent.
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    08-06-2012, 04:09 PM
Thanks everyone :)

DB, in your professional opinion, what do you think is my issue, if anxiety is not it? I'm mostly ok, had some very dark times nearly 2 years ago, upon losing a horse that was very dear to me, where I honestly was suicidal but haven't been back there since. That's how I know how it feels to really, honestly believe that there are no options.

I do have panic attacks, far more often than I have these depression attacks, and I make a point of not letting either kind of attack win. I go out, I do things, if I have a panic attack I give myself a minute to calm down and then do whatever it is I'm freaking out over anyway. I do all the things that my former psych suggested, and nothing has changed except that when I'm low I'm not as low... but I think a lot of that is because I've had time to grieve over my horse and come to terms with his death and the bullying that came after it, more than anything else.

I have a box with that horse's hair in it which I intend to burn in the morning. It's time to let him go now. I don't need his hair to remember him and all the good times. I can feel him here with me now, nudging my shoulder the way he always used to do when he wanted a treat, and though I'm crying I'm also smiling.

I'm down again today but I can feel that tomorrow will be better.
    08-06-2012, 04:25 PM
BEP I cannot give you a diagnosis over the internet.
I am concerned about the persisitent angry thoughts about your self and others.
Also taking things out of perspective such as the injury to the horse can be signs of a few things. Combine this with a lengthy grieving process and suicidal thoughts and you have a few things that need to be tested and treated.
Anytime you mourn something for more than 6 months that disrupts your life to the point of controling it you and anyone else needs to seek professional help.
Your mental wellness is as important as being physically fit.
The symptoms you are posting about are warning signs. Heed them.
The longer one deals with depression the worse it gets. The worse it gets the harder it is to treat. Shalom Donald
    08-06-2012, 04:37 PM
I figured that, but all of what I said is the absolute truth and what I would tell to a psych in person... actually I forget things when I'm talking out loud, and I really struggle to "admit weakness" aloud so I try to avoid the issue full stop, so I would probably show what I wrote to a psych instead of talking aloud.

Had a panic attack today over something really stupid... hahahaha but the things I have panic attacks over usually ARE really stupid, and I'm unnaturally calm about whatever it is that's really bothering me. I had a panic attack over cutting the end of a bolt that was sticking out from my round pen repairs, worked myself up into a fuss and convinced myself I couldn't do it... but did it anyway. The sense of accomplishment over cutting the bolt was out of proportion to the actual task, but totally reasonable for overcoming a panic attack and just keeping on at it.

Usually "I can't do this" over little things like that really means that I don't feel like I can do something bigger... I actually feel great now looking back on how I crushed that panic attack, and more confident about working with my filly. My head works in strange ways and seems to have connected cutting one stupid bolt to working with a very sensitive 2yo TB that needs a LOT of training and re-training. If I can cut the bolt even though I'm in the middle of a panic attack, then I can do a good job with this mare. Um, ok?? Lol
    08-06-2012, 04:39 PM
I sent you a PM. Any questions pm me back. Shalom
    08-06-2012, 04:51 PM
Thank you, I've got it but it's nearly 4am so I really need to go to bed :P

Edit to add; insomnia comes after the negative thoughts begin, it's not the cause of them like my mother seems to think.
    08-06-2012, 05:02 PM

Dbarabians is very, very right. Additionally, please know that not all anti-depressants work the same way. Just because ONE doesn't work, doesn't mean that another won't work. Some times it takes a long time to find the right one.

I have dealt with depression ever since I was in high school and I'm in my mid 60's now. After looking at my recurring bouts of depression throughout my life, my current doctor put me on an anti-depressant permanently. It works.
As long as I take my medication, I am a normal human being. I have the normal range of emotions. If I stop taking it, thinking I don't need it anymore...I become suicidal in about 3 weeks.

In my case it's a definite chemical imbalance aggravated by a supremely dysfunctional childhood. I've learned to deal with my childhood. The medication takes care of the chemical imbalance.

PLEASE keep pursuing treatment and don't discount anti-depressants or anti-anxiety medications. Just because one or two don't work, does NOT mean that one of them won't.

It's much easier to explore emotional issues when you are not in the grip of a serious depression already. Think of the medications as an adjunct to counseling or therapy. Just because I need them to function doesn't mean that you will. And if you do? There's no shame in having a chemistry that's different from other people's.
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    08-06-2012, 05:04 PM
I'm not even 18 yet, my doctor won't put me on anything other than prozac because I'm so young... and that helped with the panic attacks but not the depression attacks. He upped the dosage several times for no change, until I put my foot down and said I wasn't going to take any higher of a dose because I wasn't going to risk addiction... and with my personality, it's a real risk. I stopped taking it because I can deal with the panic attacks and they were the only things that it was doing anything for. So there wasn't any point, really.

The psych I went to was amazing for the panic attacks and they're nowhere near as bad as they used to be but she never saw me when I was in a funk, and she was blind so she couldn't tell if I was holding back anyway - which I do, in person, because I don't trust people as a whole. It's strange because I have no issues with pouring my heart out onto the internet, and the net is where I was bullied the worst...
    08-06-2012, 05:17 PM
Blue eyed pony, I know exactly what you are going through. I have been diagnosed as bi-polar, manic depressant. I have been in therapy am on meds. Right now they are working. I still get an occasional panic attack which I have a special med for to help with it. Yes I do journal it does help to control the depression. Maybe if you some other hobbies you could do. I knit and crochet as well. It has been said that knitting will help with depression. I didn't ever want to hurt any body else just myself. And yes I was to chicken to do it because I knew I couldn't be with my Lord and Savior, if I did. You are at a point where if you don't do something, it will take over and cause you do something you will regret. Get a second opinion and try again instead of going through the motions. Please!
dbarabians likes this.
    08-06-2012, 08:09 PM
People who refuse to follow a DR's orders are refusing to understand their disease. This is the first thing ones need to do in order to heal.
Understand your illness, treatment, and recovery plan.
By refusing to do any of this you are surrenedering to the disease.
If you are under 18 I really am concerned now. Shalom

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