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post #1 of 13 Old 12-20-2009, 11:50 AM Thread Starter
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A vent of sorts.

First thing's first... I'm adopted. And it's no big deal. I was adopted as a baby, and have never known any other family than my own. My Mom and Dad are the people who raised me. My birth parents are not my family, and never will be. I never want to meet them, I never want to know them. It's not in hatred, or some kind of grudge for adopting me out. I just don't care that they exist, however bad that may sound. I feel VERY strongly that my real family is my adoptive family, and I really can't explain it, but It would just be wrong for me to think otherwise.

I also have a sister who is adopted. She's a year younger, 17. She's bipolar (diagnosed, takes medication, etc), and really has a lot of issues. She is very very hard to live with. But she's my sister. And even when she puts me down to the point where I wish I was an only child, is cruel, says hateful things, and causes our family to be completely torn apart, (whole other issue), she is my little sister. She has recently decided to find her birth mother, and without asking, sought her out through letter she had written. My sister called her, talked to her, met her half sister, and eventually met her. She told me all this in private, and it hurt, a lot. I told her how I felt, and she got mad at me. "How you you be so selfish not to be happy for me! I've wanted to meet Ronda (her birth mom) all my life, and now I finally have! What is wrong with you?!" I explained. It's great for her, she can do what she wants, but I don't want to meet her. A few weeks later my sister told our parents about meeting Ronda, and that she wanted them to meet her. They were so understanding, met her, etc. Peachy keen, that's great, I don't care, I'm not meeting her. She tells me later about how she's going to spend New Years with her sister. She says this nonchalantly. But it stung, and still does. I'm her sister. Not this girl she just met. Even with all the sh*t she puts me though, it hurt so badly.

That was all a month or so ago.

I was out last night. My Mom flew to New York this morning. I came home at around 9AM. I walk in the door, say hi, take off my shoes and leave them by the front door as usual. My Dad walks around the corner and screams at my to pick up my shoes because Ronda's coming over. Wow, way to tell me. I move my shoes, and go upstairs. I'm not meeting her. They know how I feel about it. A few minutes later my sister screams at me to do the dishes. I do the dishes. A few more minutes, and my Dad screams at me to bring my laundry fro the laundry room upstairs. I do this. I understand we have company coming over. But the thing is, I've been home for two and a half hours and no one has yet to say a word to me other than to scream at me. No, "Hey Gillian." Or anything. It's not a lot to expect. But nope, all too preoccupied in their own little world. Didn't care to tell me in advance when they know how I feel. Because obviously, it doesn't matter to them.

I went downstairs to get a glass of water, Ronda's not here yet. My Dad yells at me that I'm in Pajama pants, and that I need to get dressed. I tell him what he already knows. I'm not meeting Ronda. She doesn't have to know I'm here, I'll stay upstairs to not be rude. But I am not meeting her. Rachel hears this, and even though I've also explained to her, she starts screaming at me. My Dad threatens to ground me from the barn and take away my car.

So I call my Mom, who is probably the only understanding person in my family. She understand how I feel. Tells me not to worry about it, etc. She says she'll talk to my Dad. She calls back a while later and tells me that I should at least go say hi. I tell her that I can't and I won't. She's not mad. I wish she was here because I really just need a hug.

I've been hurt so badly because of all of this. It feels like no one gets how or why I feel the way I do. My sister thinks that she has a horrible life. And that somehow had she not been adopted out, she'd live such a better life. Our parents give us SO much. We live in a beautiful house, she does dance lessons, she gets all the nicest things, she doesn't want for anything, and she sees none of what she has. We are SO lucky to have what we have, and to have parents that care so much, I'm not saying I'm perfect. But I appreciate what and who I have in my life. And it is SO WRONG to imagine that her life would be so much better elsewhere, with here "real", "better" family.

There's probably more to write. Ronda just got here. I'm sitting in my room wishing I was anywhere but here. I don't want a pity party. I just want someone to understand. Ronda is not my family, she's not my sister's mother, and she's not a part of my life.

I wish they'd respect that.

I give myself very good advice, But I very seldom follow it
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post #2 of 13 Old 12-20-2009, 12:31 PM
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im sorry ! that sounds really tough

Gypsy & Scout <3
Everybody is a genius. But if you judge a fish by its ability to climb a tree it will live its whole life believing that it is stupid. ~Albert Einstein
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post #3 of 13 Old 12-20-2009, 12:33 PM
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I understand where you're coming from. I'm adopted too. I was a surprise baby. My adoption however was signed as optionally open. I know who my biological parents are sort of through past letters and I know I have an almost identical brother that is about 2 years older than me.

I have always seen my family as my own not my biological family since I really don't know them. I was given the option at 13 to arrange a meeting and see the faces that had written me a few times and I shrugged it off, no biggie I didn't care. The option was then given to me again when I was 15 and my teenage angsty brain said "screw that they gave me up why the hell would I want to meet someone that didn't want me!" then I was given the option again when I was 18 and I'm fine with letters although I haven't received any since I was 11. I know they're out there and good for them.

Now I don't have an adopted sister at all but I can understand your view on her being your sister and not anyone elses because that's how you grew up and that change is hard. I knew it hurt my mom a lot when I was little and just out of anger would say "you can't tell me what to do you're not my real mom!" She wouldn't show it but I can't understand why something like that wouldn't sting. I know for a fact my family has given me tons more than what my biological family could have ever given me. I couldn't ask for a better family and I know that's what my biological parents looked for when they found out I was on the way.

I don't think you should have to meet Ronda. She's not your biological mother and even if she was you still have a choice. Although it was your sisters choice to invite her over your family should respect your wishes to be invisible for the time Ronda is there. Forcing you to be included would probably create a noticeable tension. Ya know, the kind you can cut with a knife.

When life gives you lemons....chuck em at whoever is giving them to you!
I don't want lemons! I want cookies!

Last edited by drafts4ever; 12-20-2009 at 12:38 PM.
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post #4 of 13 Old 12-20-2009, 12:36 PM
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I understand where you're coming from. If you don't want to meet her, hopefully no one makes you. Try to think about it and understand from their point of view too though.
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post #5 of 13 Old 12-20-2009, 01:07 PM Thread Starter
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Thanks you guys. I do 100% understand her wanting to meet her and know her. But I think bringing her over to our home without telling me and expecting me to be okay with it and meet her myself is asking too much. They went out to lunch and I stayed up in my room for the time she was here. It's much less what's been happening and much more how the rest of the family has treated it, and me. She can do what she wants, but I don't have to be part of it.

I feel much better after getting all that out, by the way.

I give myself very good advice, But I very seldom follow it
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post #6 of 13 Old 12-20-2009, 06:08 PM
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Originally Posted by Spastic_Dove View Post
I understand where you're coming from. If you don't want to meet her, hopefully no one makes you. Try to think about it and understand from their point of view too though.
I agree with that.

Nice to hear you're doing better. Hope you can solve your things out with your sister, especially if she starts to keep on touch with her biological mother more. I see her view too, some of people want to clarify things happened in their past (noticed that too: I'm not adopted but I have some skeletons in my closet too and around my 18-19ish I started to think them and wanted to solve things out).

Anyway I see you don't want to take a contact with these people and I see your point too. Hopefully none will force you; I think it's your personal thing. If you want someday to meet your or your sister biological parents it's ok, but if you don't it's ok too. Just for peace of your mind it should be as like you feel right to do.

"On hyviä vuosia, kauniita muistoja, mutta kuitenkaan, en saata unohtaa,
Että koskaan en ole yksin, varjo seuraa onneain.
Vaikka myrsky hetkeksi tyyntyykin, varjo seuraa onneain.
Ja pian taas uusin hönkäyksin, varjo seuraa onneain.
Hei tuu mun luo, pieneksi hetkeksi. Puhutaan, varjoni, valkoiseksi enkeliksi."

Pelle Miljoona - Varjo seuraa onneain

Last edited by TaMMa89; 12-20-2009 at 06:16 PM.
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post #7 of 13 Old 12-21-2009, 08:16 PM
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I can't empathize with you on the adoption part (although I sympathize! But I can relate on difficult siblings. Iwas around ten when my sister was 16, and it was hard. She was possibly bipolar, severely affected by depression, sometimes suicidal, and it was really, really hard to be around her. But I still love her and support her as she (now 22) tries to deal with her problems and finding her way in life.

Try to remember the struggle emotionally she is going through. she put you in a completely unfair situation and you have every right to be pissed. But she is probably going through a very difficult time in life trying to decide who she is and who her family(ies) is/are as well as dealing with being bipolar. I hope things work out for both of you!
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post #8 of 13 Old 12-21-2009, 09:24 PM
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I'm the biological mother of my son that was adopted out 21 years ago. IMO- I didn't give him up, I'm sharing him and giving him a better life then I could have at the time. My situation was harsh when I was pregnant and I had to make a choice, the hardest one I ever had to make. My father was even trying to pay someone to beat me up so I would loose the baby. He burned all the maternity clothes and baby items my Grandmother had bought.
I telling you this for a reason. Your adoptive parents are your family and you love them, they have raised you as thier own and loved you as thier own. Maybe there is a woman out there who loves you just as much, but had to make a choice, the hardest she ever had to make. I understand if you don't want her in your life. However, give her some credit, she made the choice to give birth to you and give you a better life then she could. She could have made another choice and you wouldn't be here today.
As for the tension in your house, I'm very sure that everyone is feeling alot of stress. I doubt if they realize they are hurting your feelings or singleing you out to take their stress out on. In times of stress people hurt the ones they love the most. Unconsiously they expect you to be strong, the backbone of the situation. And your sister needs your support because she is confused and you are a constant security in her life.
I hope this helped:) Good luck and you will be stronger for making it through this tough time.

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post #9 of 13 Old 12-22-2009, 12:58 AM Thread Starter
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Thanks for the nice words and help you guys. My sister apologized today and we talked. I do absolutely understand her want to meet her biological mother. And I do not think badly about Ronda, or my own biological mother's decision to adopt us out. It was the best thing they could do for us, and I'm SURE the hardest decision they ever had to make. I know that if I were to get pregnant now, (I'm 18, I know that my birth mom was 18 when she had me) I would adopt out. I think it's the bravest thing a woman could do. I am very thankful that I ended up in such a wonderful family, no matter what issues we may have, we all do care in the end.

Thanks again you guys.

I give myself very good advice, But I very seldom follow it
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post #10 of 13 Old 12-22-2009, 08:42 AM
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You sound like a very mature 18.

A thought for the future. If your family continues to have Ronda around for things you might want to look at her as simply a friend of the family. Not someone you have to have an emotional tie to, not some you even have to like. Just someone to be polite to and let everyone else enjoy. Kind of like you would do if your sister had a boyfriend that you did not like but was coming over every Saturday for dinner. Smile, nod and do not let it cause you stress.

It is OK that Ronda is nothing to you. And I find it to be very note worthy that you feel that what your sister is doing (bringing her bio mom into the picture to give her a better life) is not fair to your real parents, the ones who raised you both. But if she is going to be around for the long run it will be easier for you to learn the smile and nod trick.
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